[athena.agathon]

And my co-workers don't understand why I'm just 'meh' when they coo about how sweet it is...

[Sannah]

Do you want to explain more about how you felt?

[athena.agathon]

Thanks, Sannah. I'm not really sure why I posted at all...it was kind of a one-off. Actually, I kind of expected Valentine’s Day to be more of a thing for more people, but it doesn’t seem to be...which is good!

I know my parents are not deliberately trying to make me crazy (they just honestly do love me and are trying to show it). But the cognitive dissonance between what I know happened and the way my parents act toward me when things are going their way is confusing…like, when my parents are not angry, they can play nice. And that makes me feel crazy. And guilty…like I am this disrespectful, ungrateful, un-dutiful bad daughter. I am just making them angry by not being good enough.

I got brave and asked my mom on the phone last week what, in her perspective, happened when I was a kid. She told me I was hard-headed, had a temper, and inherently knew how to push my daddy’s buttons. She admitted he wasn’t very good at controlling himself, but, basically, it was my fault for provoking him.

When does an eight year old do anything that warrants picking her up, dumping her in the shower in her nightgown and turning the water on? Did I provoke him into giving me black eyes or holding me down and hitting me or throwing me at the ceiling fan? If this were happening to one of my clients, I know exactly what I would say, but, along with the being angry, I am still looking for some way that I can make it my fault or convince myself that I'm wrong that it was wrong or make sense of it somehow.

My mom didn’t remember the one specific incident that I asked her about (and there were many, over and over again as long as I can remember), and I know she was there. I remember things she said to me, the look on her face.

And this whole long winded thing is just to explain that I see those flowers and I don’t feel very much warmth or appreciation for my dad and I think I should, but I just can’t.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by athena.agathon

And this whole long winded thing is just to explain that I see those flowers and I don’t feel very much warmth or appreciation for my dad and I think I should, but I just can’t.

it is hard to feel appreciation or warmth for you dad, agreed.

[WePow]

There is no excuse for that abuse. I am so sorry you went through that!
It would be well within your right to never speak with him again if that was what you wanted.

Originally Posted by athena.agathon

Thanks, Sannah. I'm not really sure why I posted at all...it was kind of a one-off. Actually, I kind of expected Valentine’s Day to be more of a thing for more people, but it doesn’t seem to be...which is good!

I know my parents are not deliberately trying to make me crazy (they just honestly do love me and are trying to show it). But the cognitive dissonance between what I know happened and the way my parents act toward me when things are going their way is confusing…like, when my parents are not angry, they can play nice. And that makes me feel crazy. And guilty…like I am this disrespectful, ungrateful, un-dutiful bad daughter. I am just making them angry by not being good enough.

I got brave and asked my mom on the phone last week what, in her perspective, happened when I was a kid. She told me I was hard-headed, had a temper, and inherently knew how to push my daddy’s buttons. She admitted he wasn’t very good at controlling himself, but, basically, it was my fault for provoking him.


When does an eight year old do anything that warrants picking her up, dumping her in the shower in her nightgown and turning the water on? Did I provoke him into giving me black eyes or holding me down and hitting me or throwing me at the ceiling fan?


My mom didn’t remember the one specific incident that I asked her about, and I know she was there. I remember things she said to me, the look on her face.

And this whole long winded thing is just to explain that I see those flowers and I don’t feel very much warmth or appreciation for my dad and I think I should, but I just can’t.

[pbutton]

My mom can't ever remember anything either. It's beyond irritating. GRR.

[athena.agathon]

Yep, sooo irritating! Crazy-making.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

My aunt was my primary abuser. I don't celebrate her birthday. I am a "bad kid" too. (joke) But I don't love her anymore. You know why? Because she did not love me. She used me.

And no one deserves to be treated like that!

You did nothing to deserve being smacked around, dumped, black eyes, etc. A good parent, I am learning does NOT do those things! No matter how angry he is!

You have a right to feel how ever you need to! Feeling something or nothing! What ever you need to feel!

Carol

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by athena.agathon

along with the being angry, I am still looking for some way that I can make it my fault or convince myself that I'm wrong that it was wrong or make sense of it somehow.

I wouldn't like those flowers either.

[struggling2]

i can understand your confusion. my parents are the same way. its so hard to deal with the confusion sometimes. i always say i wish they were mean and cruel all the time so i could jsut hate them and move on.

[Silent_Tears_17]

Originally Posted by athena.agathon

Thanks, Sannah. I'm not really sure why I posted at all...it was kind of a one-off. Actually, I kind of expected Valentine’s Day to be more of a thing for more people, but it doesn’t seem to be...which is good!

I know my parents are not deliberately trying to make me crazy (they just honestly do love me and are trying to show it). But the cognitive dissonance between what I know happened and the way my parents act toward me when things are going their way is confusing…like, when my parents are not angry, they can play nice. And that makes me feel crazy. And guilty…like I am this disrespectful, ungrateful, un-dutiful bad daughter. I am just making them angry by not being good enough.

I got brave and asked my mom on the phone last week what, in her perspective, happened when I was a kid. She told me I was hard-headed, had a temper, and inherently knew how to push my daddy’s buttons. She admitted he wasn’t very good at controlling himself, but, basically, it was my fault for provoking him.

When does an eight year old do anything that warrants picking her up, dumping her in the shower in her nightgown and turning the water on? Did I provoke him into giving me black eyes or holding me down and hitting me or throwing me at the ceiling fan? If this were happening to one of my clients, I know exactly what I would say, but, along with the being angry, I am still looking for some way that I can make it my fault or convince myself that I'm wrong that it was wrong or make sense of it somehow.

My mom didn’t remember the one specific incident that I asked her about (and there were many, over and over again as long as I can remember), and I know she was there. I remember things she said to me, the look on her face.

And this whole long winded thing is just to explain that I see those flowers and I don’t feel very much warmth or appreciation for my dad and I think I should, but I just can’t.

My parents were never this abusive. But I can relate to the guilt because sometimes theyre so sweet and you think its your fault. They say you were a bad child, and that you were disrespectful and horrible and deserved what happened. They say you are overreacting. And then others judge you too when they do something nice for show and you dont get all nice and mushy. My counselor even scolded me for not saying "I Love you" to my Mother on a conference call. But when I say it she dosnt say it back. And no one understands.

There is no excuse for what your father did to you and what your mother let happen. And the fact that they turn around and act in other ways now to make you feel so guilty and horrible again is cruel. I am so sorry.

[adam_k]

Nothing you did should provoke that response from your dad. It was over the lline and very abusive. Im sorry you had to endure that as a child. No one should have to know what is feels like to be assualted by thier own father. I hope you have people in your life that care and appreciate you now.

[shortandcute]

My dad pulls the same crap with my oldest sister. She got it the worst from him; but he is always doing things like sending her flowers, etc. She doesn't know how to react and he cries to my stepmother about how "unforgiving" my sister is.
A life long friend of my sister's committed suicide recently and, when my dad caught wind, he carried on about what "a beautiful flower" this woman was, and how he always knew she was "special," blah blah blah. That made us so mad because my dad molested this woman when she was younger!!!!!