I just don't know what to do.

Hello everyone. As you can probably see, I'm brand new to this forum; I joined mainly for the simple purpose of finally getting some help. I have spoken to my best friends about this, but they can only do so much and I know its stressful on them. Let me just note, for the record, that I am 19 years old. I would tell you my name, but I'm paranoid that somehow I'll be found out by someone who definitely should not know that I've typed this.

I will try not to make this too long-winded, but I often fail in that, so I apologize ahead of time. Where should I start...well, the main trouble started just a few months ago, but it extends far past that. A couple of years back, my mother became desperately infatuated with a man. She didn't know much about him, but she made it her goal in life to meet him and to become his. This was while she and my father were still married. Now, let me say that my life with my father wasn't the best. He was verbally, and closer to the beginning of the relationship, physically abuse. I used to say that I hated him, that I never wanted to speak to him again. Now, I'm beginning to think that he's more on my side than anyone.

Back to my mother. She began to sacrifice everything she could for this relationship she'd made in her mind to work, even said that God was pushing her to do it because of the dreams she had. She constantly asked me for advice on it, even when I was doing my schoolwork. This was when I began to fall behind. She spent hours and hours writing things to him, texting him, desperately needing to know that her feelings would be reciprocated, almost as if he was obligated to for her kindness. I tried to help all I could, but it became exhausting and I began to get sick of the thought of his very existence. Her ideals were unrealistic, our bond was beginning to tear apart due to the stress of it all: this obsession, my parents' divorce, my own inner demons which only got worse, and I continued to be berated for "changing and not being the happy little girl I used to be," when in fact she had changed quiet a bit herself.

Skip closer to the present. She decided to move all the way across the country just to be closer to him. For a while, it didn't seem to bear much fruit, and she continued to cry and sink into a state of despair. Once again, I tried to help, but nothing I did seemed to matter, so I tried to detatch myself from it. The two ended up meeting, and supposedly they hit it off. He came over to our apartment, and I met him. He seemed decent enough, and the evening went fine. If anything, he was rather loud and obnoxious, which does not fit at all with the kind of person I am: quite, reserved, shy, nervous. But my problems with him started with two things: 1. When she would not allow me my space, nor the ability to express my comfort level with him, and 2. when he got into my bed and violated me.

The first issue is simple enough. He began to come into my room, uninvited and without a knock, peering at what I was doing, making jokes that she tried to prod me to laugh at...disturbing me when I just wanted peace. I cannot take much unwanted noise, and I especially cannot take something being forced on me. When I couldn't think of something to say in response to him, she would pressure me just within a few seconds to say something, getting more and more irritated with me, which in turn made me more and more nervous. That pretty much gave him free to reign to do whatever he wanted, when he wanted. When its obvious that I'm uncomfortable with something, he won't stop. The best example of such an occassion was one time when we went out to eat, and he was making an absolute fool of himself, approaching random people, talking loud enough for everyone in the restaurant to hear him...and strangely enough, not too many people seemed annoyed by it. This made me wonder if I was just being a snob like my mother calls me for not being spontaneous and happy like them. But I can't help how I felt. I can't help that I was crying right there in the restaurant as he did that, and I had no escape. My mother knows I don't like loudness, and heaven knows I hate being embarrassed. He even asked me if I was embarrassed, and I felt like I couldn't respond because right there she stood, glaring at me. He then proceeded to say, in response to his own question, that it was good that he was embarrassing me. I don't care if he was joking or not, it hurt me so much.

On to the second matter...I guess that's rather simple too. I was lying in my bed one day when Mom was at work. He came into my room and lay next to me as he has many times before. But this time, his arms and legs were wrapped rather tightly around me, and if I remember correctly he was just in his underwear. It made me uncomfortable as it was, but then I felt his hips pushing against me. I couldn't believe it. I squirmed, trying to get away from him, but he readjusted and wrapped around me again, holding me in place, and continued. This happened several times, and yes I'm ashamed to say it, but I was too afraid to shove him or yell at him to stop; my voice literally caught in my throat. As he did that to me, his hands roved all up and down my body, from my torso all the way down my legs and back. It just so happened that my mother came in at that time, and he dashed up from my room to meet her. But low and behold, he actually told her what he did, saying that God had told him to do it to teach me a lesson. I maintained to my mother in private that no matter what, he had no right to do such things to my body without my permission. While she said that it better not happen again, she also gave him excuses, and comforted him rather than me. When he came to me to talk about it, allowing me to express how I felt, she sat right next to me and kept jabbing me, forcing me to tell him that I didn't consider it rape or a violation and that I forgave him. That was so far from the truth.

So, skip to the present. In between that time and now, allow to recount a few things: after that incidient, he asked me invasive questions about my sexuality, asking me if I enjoyed what he did to me, and when I said no, asking if I was a lesbian. In other words, if I don't like a random male humping against me without my consent, then I must not like men. I simply tried to avoid the question by saying that some people are asexual. He went on to say that doesn't exist, and furthermore that being that way would be forsaking God's privilege of sex. He has come to me in tears several times, the first of which he climbed right on top of my body on my bed, hurting me and not letting me move, saying that he was in love with me, that he wanted to have sex with me. He then told me not to tell my mother, because he didn't want to worry her. I of course told her anyway, though I told him I wouldn't tell, thinking my secret was safe with her. Turns out, it wasn't. He came to me, in front of her, berating me for lying to him about not telling her what had happened. And she just went along with all of it, even forcing me with a nasty look to lie for her about something I said. She has done that several times, threatening or bribing me to lie for her in order for her to look better, in order for him to stay; heck, everyday I'm here is a lie, because I have to pretend that I'm okay with his existence. She says that if he leaves, she'll die, and that if its my fault, which it seems to hinge on, that she'll put me out, never forgive me, f*** up my life, etc. I would love nothing more than to be gone from here, so if she puts me out, so be it. But the thing is, I don't really have anywhere to go. My father lives a few states away, but with someone else whose permission he needs for me to come there. That came up one time, when one of my mother and I's many arguments over this subject ended in her dragging me out of the house, in my pajamas. The day before that incident, I had looked up jobs that I asked her to take me to, but during the argument she said that I was a liar, did nothing around the house, that she wanted me gone, everything she could to belittle me. It seemed that whoever it was wasn't willing to let me stay there, because the subject dropped. I have no family anywhere except for across the country, and living there would be just as emotionally scarring.

Now, let me say this. I had not been the most proactive in my job search for a while, nor did I hardly get out of my bed. But that was because I did not want to wake up. Even before this man came along, I was miserable. I have been through so much more emotional torment in my life which I won't even begin to describe, and it's all taken a massive toll. I've never been the highest thinker of myself...I just wanted it all to end. And as far as the job search goes, I was terrified. Whenever I would go to a place, alone or with her, to apply, my stomach knotted up, my pulse sky rocketed, and in some cases I came near or to tears. It wasn't just the simple nervousness of the job; it was my fear of looking that person in the face, of asking them if they are hiring. I told her that many times, and often the response was a stern one that only made it worse, saying that I needed to get over it or else we'd be put out. I asked her to stop repeating that since she'd already made her point once and since it only made how I was feeling worse, but she would not. She insists that she can say whatever she wants to, rather than care for just how sensitive I am right now, yet she demands the utmost compassion and understanding for herself. This hurts me so much, because we used to be so close.

The main issue that I have typed this all to address is in fact about jobs. I feel that if I don't get out of here very, very soon, I'm going to have a mental breakdown. It drives me insane just to hear his voice calling me; I began to panic. I can't stand to look at his face, the way he stares into my eyes, and yet often times I have no choice. He pretends to care, but in truth he regards my space so little that one day, when I did have a miniature breakdown because he had gone from saying he wants me to be his daughter to the fact that he's in love with me, I dashed into the bathroom. I thought I was safe there at least. But when I sat there with my pants pulled down, he came right on in with not so much as a knock. I screamed, covering myself up and telling him to stop, but he came right on in. He "compensated" by covering me with a towel. By then, I was crying hysterically, begging him over and over again to stop talking, to stop stressing me, to get out, that I couldn't handle it anymore. He said that he wouldn't, because I was stronger than that. He said he wouldn't leave the bathroom, because flesh is flesh. But finally, after at least 10 minutes of me pleading over and over again, he left. By then, I hardly had any energy left and I felt so violated once again, so empty.

He offered me a high-paying job as a personal assistant. While the money was a good prospect, I didn't envy the thought of being obligated to him, because in my experience, even when people say you don't owe them something for a favor, you do. The last thing I want is to be caught in his little web. But my mother pushed the idea, saying it would be good for me, not listening to how I felt yet again, saying it would be too stressful on me, especially considering my mental state and it's only my first job. I am getting about tired of everyone giving me a bit TOO much credit and saying I can do this, I can handle that, when I'm clearly saying with desperation in my eyes that I CAN'T. I know that life comes with challenges and I have to face them, but this? All of this is unnecessarily being forced on me, and I shouldn't HAVE to be forced to deal with any of it. So, even though I had called him a few times, once again being forced, telling him that I appreciated the job opportunity and was eager and interested, he came to me and said that he was disappointed in me, saying that I hadn't called him enough or showed enough enthusiasm. Just a note, I hardly have enthusiasm for the things I "enjoy" anymore. I also know that I need a good spirit for a job, but you already know the circumstances behind this, so I disgress. I got fed up and told him that I would think about it, assuming that he just wanted me to call him more so he could "get close to me", as he said one day on the phone in tears. That seemed to stick, and the other day I went out myself to try and get used to a potential work environment, trying to gain my independence and rid myself of my fear. I figured the next day, I would go out and get some job applications. That very day, he suddenly came to me and said that he had a job for me the next day, which I didn't act too interested in which is probably why I was never approached again to go. Still, it threw me off, and I didn't go. Today, I was going to try again, but again he came to me early in the morning asking me if I wanted to help him. I once again got very ticked off, thinking that he saw me trying to gain my independence and wanted to keep me chained to him. I pretended to be half-asleep, and he left me alone...about that. But over the course of the morning, he came into my room several times, getting on me and holding me and running his hands along my body. He even tapped my butt, and told me to turn my head up just so he could kiss me on the lips. I was making disgruntled sounds this whole time and squirming, making it OBVIOUS that I didn't like it. He simply laughed at me, mocking my noises and continued doing what he was doing.

I say all of this to go right back to the topic: I just don't know what to do. The job he offered me to day alone would have been a nice little chunk of cash, which I could use to get out of here faster. But no one can understand how nauseated I get when I so much as hear his name. I can't stand the thought that right now, he's in this same place of living, or when he's gone that he'll eventually come back. I feel like I'm going to lose it with any thought or mention of him. And for this job, I would have to deal with him A LOT. As said previously, I can't tell him how I feel lest I drive him away again and have my mother berating me and putting me out, sending me somewhere just as bad as here, worse in some ways to be honest. But, if this job really is real, and it would pay a lot...do you see my predicament? Either risk losing my sanity in exchange for guaranteed money, a lot more of it, or spending possible months on a job search. There's no happy medium, I don't have so much as a friend to stay the night with just to get away or anything. The only sliver of hope I have is someone I'm fond of that lives about an hour away from me. We aren't dating, and he has trust issues, but I feel that he could be my ally and my safe haven in this if I stay. And no, I'm not trying to get close to him for that reason. I think I really love him, and I don't want to go far away because of that and that alone.

I'm really at a loss here, and I'm sorry for the long-winded post. But this weighs so heavily on my mind that it's becoming even harder to function. And I don't just worry for myself, I worry for her too. He is not right to her. He has taken her car for days, causing her to take a taxi when she really couldn't afford it, berated her over the simplest things, put her down and caused her to freak out with every little thing and submit to him, gotten her stumbling over drunk when she had never touched a speck of alcohol in her life, brought people to our place that took over and ended up hurting us both emotionally and, in her case, physically...the list goes on. And half the time, he says that he's not even her boyfriend. But she clings on to the fact that he loves her, just because he says he does and they have such meaningful conversations. What has he done to PROVE that he loves her? Absolutely nothing. I've heard him jump down her throat simply because she mentioned being short on the rent money and asking for his help. Yes, he lives here rent free. He also often sends her off to buy something for him without replacing the money. And yet, I'm the one told that I'm not doing anything to help, when in reality I am at least TRYING. I have looked up jobs, I have asked her to take me. And she has forfeited just for the purpose of hanging around him.

I feel stuck. I feel helpless. I feel like this is all I will ever have to look forward that, that even if by some miracle I manage to get my own place, I'll have no peace from him. I'm so scared. I feel so scarred, like a puppet to be used for other's needs, which I have felt long before this, even when I was a little girl. I feel like I have no voice, no power, no nothing. I try to be positive, but I have this feeling in my gut that sickens me and won't leave me alone. I don't know if he will try something else with me. He drinks, so even if he wouldn't do something while he's sober...I just don't know what to do. I'm looking for jobs as we speak, as well as any other means of making money. I am an aspiring artist, and I've been mentioning to Mom for months to let me use her PayPal since I don't have a credit card so I can sell my drawings online. She keeps saying she will, and keeps forgetting; everything I ask her since he's arrived, no matter how important, she's brushed aside like it was nothing. I considered going to the YWCA for help, possibly even for a place to stay. I'm not clear on who's allowed to stay there, if there is a cost, what the conditions are like, etc... but I'm afraid to do so, simply because I would have to tell my mother where I was going, and she would probably then know that I'd discussed the situation. While she's quick to tell someone of something unsavory I've done, she has NEVER wanted me to say a single bad word about her, to express what I'm going through. Not even in my journal. When she found out I had, she would wrestle the paper from me and berate me, ordering me to write only positive things about her and life in general. For the longest time, I haven't even been able to express the darkness I feel looming. If anyone has any advice on what I can do, information...anything, I would appreciate it so much. Thank you to anyone and everyone who took the time to read my disorganized ramblings, I sincerely appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

I'm not sure I should be this blunt, but my gut reaction is that both your mom and her "boyfriend" are off their rockers. And I agree that the sooner you get away from them, the better.

I definitely wouldn't get further involved with the boyfriend, even if it could give you some money.

You are 19 now, so legally you can do some things. But you do need some money first.

My mom never wanted me to say anything negative about her either, so I understand that kookiness.....

Let's hope somebody else will be able to suggest something here. What a dilemma!

I agree with Payne. You're 19 and can legally move out but you need cash.

I wouldnt get the job with him. He'll use it as a hold over you and looks like he's an abuser who preys on the vulnerable.

Many places do job applications online so you may not need to go there to apply. For interviews, do you have friends that could take you? The job centre or similar probably do 'interview practice' courses which could help with nerves.

Get yourself a bank (you'll need one for wages when working anyway) account and link that to paypal. You may not need mums card to sell your artwork then.

If you can, try to take small steps now to becoming more independant from them now. It'll make it easier when you do move out.

I feel for you,the abuse that you had/have to endure, both mental and physical seems more than unfair. Being vulnerable to situations that are out of your control make for more uncertainty. I too was extremely shy at your age and unaware of how others could and would take advantage of my vulnerabilities I felt so alone. .I am encouraged to see that you have found this site as so many that post here have compassion and genuinely care. In the city that you live in there are resources that will be able to help you and guide you. If possible looking on the internet in your city , Counseling resources for teens, YWCA, Planned Parenthood, these places would know how to direct you to the various places that could help you find a place to stay, help you find a job, connect you with a mentor to help with support. Local city's have rape victim Counseling as I believe you have been abused and they would help you get out of the dangerous situation that you are in.
Warm thoughts to you. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Take Care

Hi Sigh, welcome to PC. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. I agree with Payne that they are both off their rockers. It definitely seems that he is trying to sabotage your ability to get a job and then get away. I think that your mom understands that he wants you to stay there too. Getting a job sounds like a really good idea. Maybe you could rent a room from an elderly woman who needs a companion? We can support you here. Please continue to keep us posted?

I agree with you completely. She's been that way ever since he popped into her life and became the answer to everything. I guess I'm part to blame for getting more and more upset at everything going on, just wanting to be away from it all...*sigh* what can I say. Everything seems to be my fault. Almost like things were set up that way. Also, I'm sorry you had to deal with that as well. It's definitely not a fun boat to ride, one I'd just like to jump off of no matter what's beneath me. Thank you for your response and for relating to me.

Trust me, I've been wanting to move out long before now, before we even moved here. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that about the job, this terrible feeling kept nagging at me in my gut every time I thought about it. I have tried the online application thing, but I quickly grew sick of it as it disqualified me and basically tossed my efforts aside because my answers didn't match up to what they wanted; in other words, no chances of it being passed on to someone in a position to give me an interview. I also looked into getting a bank account, as I have a small amount of money on me now, less than a hundred though. But everywhere seems to have fees if you don't have a minimum balance of at least $500. That was rather disappointing. Oh, and sadly no, I don't have any friends to take me. If anything I'd have to take the bus...my dad sent me money for a pass but my mom used it on bills and made me lie to him that I had gotten it, saying she would pay it back. She never did. As far as taking steps, what I'm doing now, getting out of the house and going to the coffee shop, that in itself is a huge step for me. I don't think anyone can truly understand just how big it is. But it doesn't seem to matter...I'll elaborate below. But thank you for your advice.

Thank you very much. You're right, it only makes it worse and worse. Right now I'm surprised I can even sit here and type this, my mind is so far away. I looked for those resources and found them, but so far they seem to be a good bit away, farther than I can walk. And note, I can't walk very far in the first place. Perhaps I could take the bus...though I can't keep spending the bit of money I have, as I plan on getting out of here tonight. I will definitely continue to keep posting whenever I have the access and the energy. Thank you for relating to me, I hope things have gotten better for you and will continue to, and thank you for your help.

Thank you. I'm so glad that I'm not alone in my thoughts, that alone is a huge relief to me. And yes, that sounds nice, ANYWHERE sounds better than here. I'd just need the money first, and the motivation to get that money. Also I need the strength...I can't even describe how much this has drained me physically. But it'll work out somehow, I guess. I will definitely continue to keep posting, and in fact I have a bit more info to add that I forgot, as well as something that happened this morning.

I forgot to say that this man says I look a lot like his daughter, whom he often isn't allowed to see because of her mother, his ex-wife. I've seen her, and I can't say that there isn't a strong resemblence. But he and my mother are all but pushing that role on me, especially my mom. I say I'm not interested, especially in having another father...I mean, I'm 19 and moving on with my life, I've got myself figured out and I have good sense and good morals, what would be the point? She just calls me cold, saying that he's being nice to me and I should reciprocate...in other words, give in to everything they want. I felt sorry for him, and in a way I still do; every now and then a pang of guilt pops up that I might be misjudging the situation, but then my gut overrides me. Still...I wonder...*sigh*

Also, on this morning and last night. The wifi at our apartment has been turned off for a couple of days, and I figured it was on purpose. I was right, and it was partly simply because my mother asked me to let our puppy on the bed, but she always bites and pees, and I was not in the mood for that. I told her that she'd likely just keep whining even if I did, but she kept insisting, as if her request was really a demand. I've had it up to here with that attitude, that I can never say no, so I said no adamantly. She threatened just because of that that she would start saying no to some things too, and low and behold, next thing I know internet's off. She also says I'm going to bed too late. I KNOW that. I'm TRYING my best to fix it. But I have told her over and over again for YEARS, ever since I began, that the Internet and the people on it have saved my life. She just says that its the reason I started becoming a bad person. Let me give you a brief timeline: I was banned from using the Internet for a long time because I went on message boards when I was told not to talk to anyone online. But I also wasn't allowed to make friends. Yes, you heard me right. I was homeschooled, and any interraction outside of just playing with kids was strictly discouraged, just because my mother and father had a hard time with that when they were younger, and they assumed I would have the same and would handle it the same. I used to lie to my mother just to make her happy, saying that I was content with the way things were. When I finally had the courage to say that I had wanted friends, she said I just got that from the Internet. Its always me "getting something from somewhere", not that I was able to use my OWN mind for anything intelligent that makes any sense. She's apologized since then, but I don't really think she gets it; it's obvious she didn't after this incident.

I even went out and bought some ginger snaps for her as a sort of peace offering. I said I was sorry for whatever it was that I had done. I begged her in tears to turn the wifi on so I wouldn't be depressed and alone that night. She simply said that I needed to change, even though I had said I was sorry, and that she didn't know if she could continue to pay the bill. I said I understand that, but I repeated my apology and said that its not like its costing her any less to keep the wifi off; the service is still active. She kept dodging my questions, acting clueless to some things, then snapped on me. Ironically, that was around the time her boyfriend came in, and even when he said hello he stared at me longer than her. I was feeling so desperate at this point, like I would lose my mind. I just wanted to have my outlet, I just wanted to go to bed with happy thoughts on my mind like I've always been able to do. But she refused, and then she said that she was disappointed in the way I was acting over the computer. She said that I was an ungrateful bitty, that I was disrespecting the household by crying and if I didn't stop, she would never turn the internet on again and that she would put me out. She basically uses the only thing I have left to control me, because she knows I'm desperate for it.

This afternoon, she was getting ready for work and I simply asked if she would be so kind as to drive me to the library and pick me up when they closed so I could sit somewhere more comfortable, maybe find something to read. She said that she had to go save her job, whatever that meant; in other words, she had no time for me. If that's the case and she really couldn't take me, then fine. But nevertheless, it ticked me off that EVERY TIME she asks me for a favor, she expects me to say yes, no matter how devastating I tell her it is to me. She even promised to repay me. So far, that has not happened in the slightest. So I mentioned that to her, and she simply got mad and repeated herself, saying she couldn't believe I didn't care. I just scoffed and said she can't expect compassion from me if she doesn't give it back and referenced last night. She outright told me that she didn't care and flipped me off, storming into the other room and calling me names. Oh, but just let me call her a name and see what happens. She's a hypocrite of the highest degree, selfish, a liar, and yet point any of that out to her in a calm, peaceful tone and she'll go absolutely insane, saying that none of that's true, that she's a good person and she's been a good mother and blah blah blah.

So now, here I am at the coffee shop, haven't eaten yet and so depressed I don't want to, but I'm really starting to lose my focus. I'm almost wanting to get something to eat, but my money is dwindling and I need some leftover. But I've made a decision. I can't stay in that pit of torture any longer. I'm going to stay somewhere else, tonight. I don't care where it is. There's some benches in our apartment complex, and if the management doesn't get on me, I'll just sleep there. If they do, I'll find somewhere else. Maybe I'll just walk around all night, sit down when I get tired, and keep walking. But I'm not going back there. I have no one to go to, no one that can help me even though they want to. The guy that I like, that shows mutual attraction to me...I can tell that he wants to help, but he just can't. He still lives with his parent's...for all I know he's already asked them if I could stay there and got denied. He also can't drive, so...that's that. But I know he wants me to be all right, he wants me to be close...and that alone is enough to push me on.

Needless to say, I'm rather scared and worried right now. But all I can do is keep moving forward. Thank you again to everyone who has read this and responded. I know I'm quite the odd case, so it means so much that someone cares.

Just wanted to post a quick update that I'm doing some better; things are so turbulent right now that I don't know if the situation really will improve or not, but nevertheless I'm feeling hopeful. May post details later.

Slowly,
This is far too late to respond to something you said earlier but here goes anyway.

You said you were going to sleep on a bench so you werent at home. I cant imagine how horrible it is at times but please dont put yourself in a vulnerable and or dangerous situation.

Thankfully, I didn't go sleep on a bench that night. I'm sorry for the late post; things have been quite busy. Things had gotten even better since then, now I'm not so sure.

Basically, something happened that made my mother collapse into tears and nearly lose her mind; she was inconsolable. It was his fault, and she was so angry...we were able to get our raport back, and she even said that if she had to, she would just let him go on and forget about him, that she wouldn't be mistreated anymore. I can't even tell you how happy I was, not just about that but the simple fact that we were talking, that we were like mother and daughter again. I was sleeping better, feeling better...everything.

But today, he came back after being gone for a few days. I of course quickly made my way out of the apartment and came to Starbucks right down the street. That's been a godsend for me; I'm so glad it's so close. Anyway, I was broke and feeling quite hungry, and since I had a project to finish I went home to see if she was there since I knew she'd gotten off work. They were both there, and she was just about to drive away. I got into the car with her, and she made it a point to say several times, even after I said that I came back because I was starving, that she didn't know why I'd come back, that they had been having such a positive conversation, essentially complaining because I interrupted it. She got me some food, but then she begged me to come back home and eat it because otherwise, it would be "rude and ugly" since she thought it would be obvious to him I came there to eat. I resisted, and thank God she let it go. But I just feel so hurt, though I should've seen it coming. She got some sense in her, but as soon as he got to her with that giant mouth of his, he's the greatest person in the world and I can just go take a hike. I'm going to try very hard to not get mad like I used to. But this is just too much. I'm nervous as crap to go home, assuming he'll flop onto my bed uninvited and start crying like a baby about me not liking him. I mean, does he really think that's the way to make a friend? By acting like a spoiled brat and trying to force a person's emotions through acting like he's 50 years minus his ACTUAL age?
And yet...at the same time, I wonder if I'm wrong. I wonder if maybe I should be a bit nicer to him. He's gone through a lot too...but for God's sake, I hate his guts! Even without what he did to me, he's the kind of person that if I just came across them in passing and had no obligation, I'd run fast as I could. This feeling came across me all of a sudden, and I don't like it one bit. Nothing makes sense right now. I'm just so...anxious. I just want him to get on and find his own answer in life to make him happy rather than harassing me, and I want Mom and I to be close as we were the other day. But it seems I might not get that after all.

Slowly,
I must confess I'm feeling a bit concerned for your welfare. When you get a chance, can you enquire with friends, relatives, local services or maybe with local churches to see if you can find yourself somewhere safe to go to if this man tries anything?

Don't tell your Mum, but try and find somewhere safe to go to if you need it. I'm not saying that to be deceptive, but he has your Mum wrapped around his finger and if you tell her, she'll tell him. If that happens, your safe house wont be safe anymore.

From what you've told us, you are NOT wrong about him. Do NOT think otherwise. What he is doing is absolutely not acceptable and you are right to fear him. As you've suggested, he is playing head-games with you. He uses that to turn your mother against you so he can say "well, I've tried to be friends, but she keeps pushing me away" and make you out to be the bad guy. Unfortunately, your mother is so infatuated that she can't see it.

How is the job hunting going?

Hope you're doing better today.

You reached your mom once it can happen again. She is really vulnerable to him. Don't give up and you don't have to give in to him either. I'm sorry that you have to put up with this. It certainly isn't fair at all. Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing.

Hey slowly,

First of all, I am so sorry for what is going on in your life. In case you need a reality check concerning abuse, your are, both physically and emotionally. Might I also add spiritually. It is neither your fault nor Gods. I want to puke when people use God to excuse there horrid behavior.

I am so angry at your mother and the a-hole she has allowed into your home. Your mother is very sick and you can't get well living in hell. You need to get out of there!!!!! Don't tell your mother of your plan, she will only suck back into the pit.

Please see if there is a shelter for abused women in your area and call them immediately. There should also be a victim's advocate. We can help on the forum, but you really need help in RL. Please keep writing.

Sending you hope and strength,

Sabra

Your situation is breaking my heart.

As longs as your mother does not deal with living without this man, or deal with HER problems, she is going to keep verbally and emotionally abusing you. I think she acted differently only when that man was gone. My own caretaker, when she had men was hostile to me and acted very different when she had them and lovey to me when she was alone.

IMHO, all this is not about you. They systematically broke you.

I hope you can get away as much as possible. If you can't leave them, get away as much as possible. Go to the coffee shop, the library, etc. Get away from them.

You don't deserve this.

I am so sorry.

Keep believing in the good. It's out there just often so hard to find or reach...

Love,

Carol

I just now read your posts and your story is heartbreaking. I actually turned away and cried. (OK I am emotional) I cannot imagine what your mother is thinking by putting you in a situation like that. This a-hole needs to be in jail not in your home.

As soon as you can you need to get away from him. I cannot imagine sacrificing my beautiful daughter for a jerk like that. The fact that he raped you essentially is disgusting. I react strongly because something similar happened to me as a teenager but the guy was much younger.

Trying to use God as an excuse for their behavior is the height of blasphemy. God does not tell people to rape and abuse children, nor wives to desert their husbands and family. That is pure nonsense and no one with any faith of all would ever subscribe to that kind of reasoning. It sounds rather delusional on their part in addition to being a kind of lame justification for their evil behavior

You mentioned earlier that your father may be your closest ally right now. Is there any chance that he can come to your aid. Since you are 19 you have most of the rights of an adult. It is true you need to have a job and an income to make it on your own. Life is tough out there. I am fairly certain that sleeping on a park bench is no answer, that makes you even more vulnerable.

We can provide support here and encouragement. In real life you will also need help and a way to support yourself. I wonder if there is any kind of protective services available, with local, county, charitable, or a church.

Meanwhile you are both close to my heart and in my prayers

Hugs -- Larissa

Slowly,
I was walking to work this morning and, for some reason, your situation popped into my head. Firstly, I'd echo what everyone else has said about trying to find a shelter or something to go to. If that is not possible, I had another idea, that I'll post publicly, so others can provide feedback or flame me to oblivion Note, the above suggestions are way better than this so consider them first.

Try having a 'family meeting' and lay your cards on the table with something like:

"I know that having three adults in this house is difficult at times and I would like to resolve this issue. As you know, I'm not working at the moment and have nowhere else to go. I know that <blokes name> has offered me a job at his work, and that is a really, really good offer but I would feel uncomfortable working with family. If you could help me with my resume and maybe give me a lift to my interviews when I need one, I promise that I will start saving as hard as I can and find myself a little apartment/share of my own as soon as I can. In the meantime, I will try to keep my distance to allow you two to spend quality time with each other. On your part, I would be really grateful if you could also give me the space that I need when I am here."

Feel free to print the words above, tweak them, delete them, whatever until you have something that you feel would work for you.

If you need help with the words, feel free to respond here for everyone's feedback or PM me if you want. If you do respond here and want some feedback, give me a little PM poke to remind me of this thread in case I miss it.

I hope that helps. Above all, be safe and I hope you manage to resolve this soon.

Once again, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. Thing is, I just haven't known WHAT to post. Things flip back and forth so much that it's hard to discern just what the situation is now. For a while, things were going better with me and mom, partially due to him being a jerk again, and the rest was simply us both being tired of the back and forth. In fact, just the other day I was overcome with guilt because my cell phone wasn't working and she couldn't reach me to let me know that dinner was ready and she wanted to eat with me. It would've been just me and her, and he had showed up that day after being done for a while, but because he needed something and he ended up being gone all day. She hates being alone. I understand that...while I enjoy a good bit of private time, I still hate looking at everyone else around me, walking together, talking together, and always finding myself isolated. Then again, I guess I do it to myself on purpose sometimes, as it's all I know and anything else is terrifying.
More the point, just last night it turned bad again. I was exhausted, coming home from the library, which is about a 30 minute walk, and I had been very depressed all day. That morning, I asked her to pray for me in tears before I walked out. At first, no one was at the door and I figured they'd just left once again. Since I don't have a key - or rather, he has my key- I thought I'd have to stay outside again. That made me even more preturbed. It turns out they'd stepped out just for a moment, but nevertheless when he answered the door, my intentions of indulging them were already quickly fading. All I wanted to do was lie down, go to sleep, and forget about everything. But they insisted on cleaning in my room, which made me even MORE agitated. Then, she was pressuring me to talk to him, blah blah blah. I had said that I was very tired and not feeling well, and yet it must've been taken as an "attitude", because next thing I know I hear them whispering about me. He was talking about his children and how, even with his full-grown son who lives on his own, that he'll beat him up if he needs to. So he was apparently trying to get her to be bossy with me, and it worked. Once they were finally done in my room, I just wanted to close the door to block out their noise and the light from outside. But she wouldn't let me. I said I can't sleep like that, she didn't care and simply said that she was going to let it air out and that she'd close the door. I was so irritated that I slammed one of my drawers rather hard. He had the nerve to come in and ask me what happened; in other words, antagonizing me about slamming my drawer. I wanted so bad to just yell at him and tell him to get the *censored* out of my face, that he's not my father and he's just a worthless, abusing, gangster scum who should just go die. But instead, I pulled the covers over my head and put my music on, crying quietly to myself, hoping that would be over soon. It was about...9:00 then. Next thing I knew, it was almost MIDNIGHT and she still hadn't closed it. So I did it myself. She came back, opened it, and said she would close it in ten minutes. She did after that, but it was all in the name of being controlling, being "the boss." I hardly am even at home anymore, going out every day and staying gone everyday. I barely use up her resources anymore; heck, the past couple of days I didn't even eat dinner because I just wanted to hurry into my room and not be bothered by him. Which is a shame, because lately I have been STARVING. Even when I eat a full meal that's supposed to be about 1000 calories, a few hours later I feel weak and want more. And I haven't been able to eat all that well either, because I don't always have money on me when I go out. Just that fact alone depresses me to the point where I feel it's just pathetic. Oh, and as he's being so tough and saying that she needs to be whatever to me, which she's too weak to ignore and just do things her way, just the night before he was completely the opposite. Too opposite. He'd asked my mom to go out and do something, but I was in my room lying down so I hoped he wouldn't bother me. He came into my room, and I had my earbuds in because he was talking loud. I didn't respond to him talking, but he kept trying to wake me up. I was going to ignore him, but then he leaned down and kissed my cheek and started saying that he loved me. And it wasn't just a quick peck, mind you. It was slow and drawn out, like he was trying to be seductive. And he did it more than once. I'm sorry, but I don't think the typical "father" or "uncle" treats someone that they have an innocent relationship with like that. So I finally opened my eyes, and he asked if I was cold. Then he told me to look at him in the eyes, and he said that he loves me so much. Every little act with him is a thing of control. He knows I don't want to look him in the eyes, and he knows I'm too afraid to say anything about it.

On a bright note, a few days ago I got my debit card. There are no fees, so I can finally set up the art commissions I was talking about. I also intend on signing up for as many survey sites as I can; I went to the trouble of researching to find the best ones. Sadly, I have little to no confidence in my abilities, and I figure no one will buy anything from me. So, I have to stay on top of my job search. That's kind of hard to do with a phone that refuses to charge now and a mother who puts taking me to these places rather low on her priority list. I'm still hopeful that I'll get something soon; a little while ago, I woke up with a feeling that things were going to change soon, and for the better. I plan to go to community college this summer, around June, and stay somewhere else. The places I saw listed were reasonably priced, as is the tuition, and I know I could make it work so long as I get a grant or two. Problem is...I can't study too well with all this stress. I have the books sitting right at home, but everytime I get in I'm too scared to stay awake lest he bother me again.

Aand I'm sorry again for the rant there. To reply to you wonderful people:

Thank you so much for your continued concern, it means a lot. I think for now that the library is a good place for me to go, it's just too bad that it has to close. I don't really have any friends or family around, so whatever I do will have to be on my own. There is one place that I stayed when I was left outside without anyone telling me they were leaving, but the person is his friend, and I certainly don't want that to be my only option. As far as churches go, I definitely considered that, but the ones I know of aren't that close by, at least as far as walking is concerned. Hopefully I'll find something. And your suggestion on having a talk is a good one, and something I tried to do before. But he had started a conversation in a very accusatory fashion, and with the excuse of trying to toughen me up, he tossed aside everything I said, told me no one cared about me, called me several names, said that he wouldn't leave me alone, and flat out told me to kill myself. He even brought me a knife to do it. That was the only time my mother stepped in...yeah, she was sitting there the whole time, getting irritated with ME when I talked back to him. He's done that to me twice now, and even though I know he's a bigger loser than I'll ever be for being so mean and perverted and deceiving, it still gets to me. I still sometimes wish I'd just slashed my wrist for them both to see. So...long story short, the talk didn't go so well. But after that, he at least left me alone about the job thing. As far as asking him to back off me in general, I'm pretty sure my mom would have me out on the streets if I did that. But again, thank you for your advice.

I certainly hope so. It's sad, but sometimes I hope that he'll act up so that she can see his true colors again. It's only because I know it's bound to happen sooner or later. He puts on a facade, making her laugh because he knows that's what she wants, but he's not a boyfriend to her. She's always doing things for him, what has he done for her? Taken her out a few times, but nothing beginning to amount to what she's done for him. I just hope that she'll see through him soon enough. Thank you for continuing to be there.

Thank you very much for your concern. I feel the same way; my disgust for him grew ten-fold when he claimed that as an excuse for something so vile. Sadly, the nearest women's shelter isn't within walking distance for me. I have been thinking of calling a hotline for a long time now, but...pathetic as it is, I'm scared to. I just don't know how things will end up, and it horrifies me. But hopefully, I'll figure out something soon.

Yes, that definitely seems to be the case. Sometimes, I just feel like a replacement only to be used when he's not around, the rest of the time she couldn't care less if I'm crying my eyes out wanting to die. I want to believe so much that what she said the other day is true, that she wants us to have our bond, that she loves me, that she's so sorry for everything I've had to go through, including what he's done to me. Lately, I can see her aging and I just...it hurts. It hurts to see her in so much stress in pain, slowly advancing in years with nothing but this jerk to look forward to. But I know that I can't change anything for her. I've pretty much given up on that idea. Right now, I just need to survive, which is getting harder and harder to do. But thank you so much, I will indeed try. It's been wonderful staying at the library all day, really. And yes...that's very true. Sometimes it seems I chase the good things away with my temper thanks to all this stress, so let's just hope I have anything good left by the time this is all over.

I'm sorry that I made you cry, but I sincerely appreciate the sentiment. Thank you. I just don't see how anyone can live with themselves, using God to excuse that, you're definitely right. I don't care if he wanted to test to see if I would tell him no, he still had no right. Truth be told, if it was anyone else, I would've said no, clawed and punched them, did whatever I could. I COULDN'T with him because of my mother, because of not wanting to have him butt hurt so he could go whining to her. I would love to be able to turn to my dad, but he's in another state right now, not to mention he has brain cancer that's affecting his ability to think and remember. He's had to deal with our fights since he left a few times before, and I could tell how much it stressed him. Sometimes, I'd love nothing more than to just call him and tell him everything that's happened. But...he doesn't need that stress, especially if there's not much he can do. He lives with his mom and her family, and let's just say I'm not exactly her favorite grandchild. I don't know why, I know I've never done anything to her. That's just the way my life goes, I guess, but whatever the case she didn't seem too thrilled about me staying when the subject came up before. So, as far as RL goes, I guess I'm on my own for now. I will continue to look up various organizations in my area and hope to find something close-by and feesable, and in the meantime I'll try to get some money in. Thank you so much for your caring words.

You are with no support, understanding, respect and love from anybody who live with you, but you, yourself, in spite of your scared condition , are very powerful, smart person. You are just very young and could not grasp completely what a huge amont of hurt your so called family impose on you. Just for the sake of your own self- preservation, or being alife, you need to move out of that family ASAP. Your stepfather is a sexual abuser. It is clear why you could not report him : you are afraid of your mother to become devasted by that. So by this time you just need to move out from them. Yes, if your city has youth shelter go there. You might find some relief there and good ear from the social workers/ care people. There is no charge for their service.They will able to give you some support for the first time. You need to find people who you can trust and who can support you with advise and/or direction. That means, even if that very hard for you, which is very understandable,you have to open up to people about your situation. I hope , this website is not the only the source you shared your problem with.