[aliceh]

I just joined this forum today to ask for help. Re-posting from another forum for more help:

My mother is in a sexually/emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship which she put up with for ~20 years but has gotten worse lately (2 years now). For 6 months she's been sleeping in a separate room from my dad. They've been to a psychiatrist because he is manipulating, childish, has anger management, and claims to suffer depression. Apparently he only needs counseling. But they've been going to marriage counseling (~5 months) and it's proving pointless. In all this time he hasn't changed much, he's only gotten weaker (he's not as aggressive, he's much more immature/childish, he's lazier). We feel like if my mom did move back into his room, he would get back to how he used to be.

So now we feel almost hopeless. I have always wanted her to leave but my sister read online that the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is leaving. My dad has no social/work life outside of the home. He has no family other than us either. He has said to me that he wishes he could rebuild a new life with a new family but he loves us too much. I am pretty sure that if we left he would kill himself or come after us and kill us first. How can we get rid of him? I have talked to my mom about leaving quietly but he holds more than half of the family income and almost everything is under his name (despite the fact that he's always been a stay-at-home parent and his business was bought with my mom's savings). She would be supporting 3 kids and me with a modest income. Also take into account that the safest thing to do would be to move to a different part of the country and change our names (and buy a new house and car and find employment). And I'm in the middle of a university program that I might not be able to finish if we run away. I feel so trapped... I wish it were as easy as calling the police and having him put behind bars, as silly as I may sound, I really wish so.

[Travelinglady]

I can understand how you'd want to get rid of your dad. He doesn't sound like a very good dad to me either.

I gather that he has never actually physically abused you or any other members of your family. It's more the childishness, laziness, etc. It could be that he is having some depression. Has that actually been addressed in the marital counseling, I wonder. Would he refuse to see a counselor on his own and get treatment, if in fact he is correct about his diagnosis?

You don't say how old you are, but I gather you are approaching the age of adulthood, since you are in a university. As long as he doesn't actually abuse you or your siblings, then the best bet might be to try to stay away from him as much as you can. In a few years you can move away.

Honestly it sounds like your mother is getting the brunt of his bad behavior. Ultimately she would need to be the one to take the matter into her own hands.

Has he threatened physical abuse, suicide, or other negative consequences if his family left him? Does he demonstrate signs of possible violence, such as being very jealous or trying to keep his spouse under his thumb? If not, then you folks might be worrying too much about his responses.

I'm sad that you're having to live in this upsetting environment and I can understand your feelings. My last question is: Could you possibly talk to a counselor at your university and see what he/she says? If you can't get rid of your dad, then you might need to see how you can protect your emotional health under the circumstances.

[aliceh]

Originally Posted by PAYNE1

I can understand how you'd want to get rid of your dad. He doesn't sound like a very good dad to me either.

I gather that he has never actually physically abused you or any other members of your family. It's more the childishness, laziness, etc. It could be that he is having some depression. Has that actually been addressed in the marital counseling, I wonder. Would he refuse to see a counselor on his own and get treatment, if in fact he is correct about his diagnosis?

You don't say how old you are, but I gather you are approaching the age of adulthood, since you are in a university. As long as he doesn't actually abuse you or your siblings, then the best bet might be to try to stay away from him as much as you can. In a few years you can move away.

Honestly it sounds like your mother is getting the brunt of his bad behavior. Ultimately she would need to be the one to take the matter into her own hands.

Has he threatened physical abuse, suicide, or other negative consequences if his family left him? Does he demonstrate signs of possible violence, such as being very jealous or trying to keep his spouse under his thumb? If not, then you folks might be worrying too much about his responses.

I'm sad that you're having to live in this upsetting environment and I can understand your feelings. My last question is: Could you possibly talk to a counselor at your university and see what he/she says? If you can't get rid of your dad, then you might need to see how you can protect your emotional health under the circumstances.

Thank you so much for your reply!

Well, actually, he has physically abused my mother. During the beginning of their marriage it was the worst (I don't know how bad it was, she never speaks of it) but just before she left his room, he used to slap her or knee her if she didn't give him what he wanted.

I don't know what they talk about during counseling but from what I gather, it hasn't been very helpful. Hmm...I did make it clear to my mom that they should bring up depression during his visit to the psychiatrist but I don't know if they did. I'll ask. We would have to push him to go to a counselor on his own.

I can hardly wait to move out but for now I benefit the most by living with them. I will leave if it gets too much to handle though.

He has said many times that if she leaves him, 'this will be destroyed', something ambiguous along those lines. And he has threatened suicide more than once but he is so selfish that I see that as manipulation (he often plays the victim). He doesn't let my mom get too near male relatives (she stood next to a nephew in a photo once and he argued with her over that). He used to not let her visit her parents and she always had to ask for permission but that's stopped.

I really don't want to get a counselor involved. Me and my siblings know too much that we shouldn't and they always get us involved in their problems. It can get stressful during the arguments but I just leave my parents to themselves now and try to ignore whats happening.

[IowaFarmGal]

Hi aliceh! Welcome to Psych Central! Maybe the thing to do is finish up at school and get started on a life and career so you can get out of the house and help your Mom in the future if she decides to leave him. I hope she is safe.

[hannabee]

I think it is good that you are aware of the danger. I'm sorry to say that when my mother told my father she wanted a divorce, he actually sat her down with a gun in hand and played russian roulette with her. He spun the cylinder pointing the gun at her first and then himself. It went off and killed him. It was front page news in San Francisco. Needless to say, my sister and I have suffered emotionally ever since. That was 50 years ago and I still can't forgive him. I think I might research for a Hot Line that may be able to provide assistance and guide you with leaving the situation. Good Luck and you'll be in my prayers.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by aliceh

For 6 months she's been sleeping in a separate room from my dad. They've been to a psychiatrist ... they've been going to marriage counseling (~5 months)... he's not as aggressive

Originally Posted by aliceh

He used to not let her visit her parents and she always had to ask for permission but that's stopped.

All of these things sound like improvements. This stuff does take time.

[kittycat97]

My Dad is the same as yours. I think even the ministry doesn't know how to help me.