[Silent_Tears_17]

I finally got the courage up today to suggest to my counselor the possibility of me having had CSA that I dont remember. For the first time in my life I sat face to face with someone and told them that from a very young (like 5) I had dreams of being sexually assaulted. The words wern't hard to say but after the wave of shame and guilt and fear and disgust was overwhelming. She said she had suspected such but didn't think that we should go there until I remembered something... because when I remembered something it meant I was ready to deal with it.

I thought it would feel better to say something but it didnt. I felt so disgusting and vulnerable. For over a decade Ive kept this secret close. Im 17 so thats most of my life. But hearing the words out loud from my mouth and hers made it so real and hard... and Ive known Im just waiting to remember something but this made it so real.

Since that meeting this afternoon I cant shake this feeling of being so dirty and gross and bad. I know I shouldnt but I do. And I just want to shower over and over and scrub it away... but Im like scared of showering in the dorms and the water is cold and Im afraid of a panic attack. Im glad I did it... but I feel so violated right now.

[Travelinglady]

Your reactions are entirely normal, as far as what I have heard. Women don't want to believe that kind of thing happened to them and sometimes they are even told by the men that they were at fault or if they had been in different circumstance, then it wouldn't have happened. At least you know that on an intellectual level. I personally think your therapist is right in not insisting on pushing the issue.

We do have a social group for abuse survivors, so when you are ready, then you might consider joining.

What do you other ladies have to say?

[Silent_Tears_17]

I agree that Im not ready. I can't even deal with the abuse from my boyfriend two years ago never mind the CSA I cant remember. Thanks for the support... and eventually I will join.

[Sannah]

I agree Silent that your reaction is pretty normal. Great work by telling her!