[tinyrabbit]

One day I went to T, got really angry, shouted at him, cried and screamed at him to stop looking at me. I thought I hated him and never wanted to go back. Took me several days to make the obvious connection: I was going to see my dad later that day. I knew all about transference but I still didn't recognise it when it was happening.

In the middle of my rage, my T asked why I was shaking. I said: "Because I'm angry with you and I haven't had coffee," which wasn't the real reason. But, as I told him the next week, I hadn't actually known I was shaking. I couldn't feel it.

I asked T if he realised I didn't know. He said no, because I had come up with reasons for it. He observed that I didn't argue with him, or question it. I came up with an explanation even though I couldn't feel it and didn't know if it was true. And he talked about dissociation, which wasn't something I thought I did.

Since then, there have been occasions when he's said: "Do you know that you are shaking right now?" and I haven't known, as I can't feel it.

My dad had a fairly frightening temper. Not PA, though some things happened that were violent (eg damage to household items). I don't remember being frightened. It seems maybe I dissociated from it. Without ever knowing I had done that. And when I recently remembered some stuff about my ex, I realised my hands were going numb.

I guess I thought I would have known that I could do this. That it wouldn't come as such a complete surprise. I wondered if anyone else has discovered something like this because I find it quite alarming.

[possum220]

Many years ago I was in a mental hospital and quite agitated. I saw a particular pdoc for the first and last time.... but while I was in this appointment she asked if I knew I was rocking, I said no. I have seen several Therapists since and in the course of the appointment my body will go off on its own tangent because my subconscious is unable to process the emotions.

Now that your Therapist is aware of what is happening for you hopefully you will be able to work on issues and find a way through. Its scarey at the start when you dont know what is happening. What you are experiencing is your bodies way of coping. It can also be very frustrating and tiring. Give yourself time to rest after seeing your Therapist. You will find your own path to take.

Keep posting. There are lots of people here who can talk about things with you. I have found that this site has helped me not to feel so alone.

Take Care.