[Big Mama]

Hey gang. It's been a while since I posted anything here. Last time I put something here I was falling apart and my life was hanging in the balance. My H and I were having huge issues. Things between us were as well as over. So that being said let me give you a brief up date on how things are going.

As of the time that I last wrote my H had been snowed in w/ us (me and the kids) and was absolutely driving me batty. He kept dropping these nasty little hints, snorting like a pig, mumbling you are so dumb, rolling his eyes, standing where I needed to be and making me ask him to move because he know I feared him. for example I'm setting the table and need to get the silverware, he's in front of the drawer and all the cabinets. Instead of moving he is smirking at me. I could say lets see how many forks do we need, still he stands there. He is either stupider then I thought, or has the power to intimidate me and he knows it. I know he's no dummy so the last option is most likely it. Well after two weeks of little emotional kicks to remind me who's who, We went to T and it was not pretty at all. It was one of those hour and 30 min visits instead of the average 50 min visit. To me things were as good as over and I managed to come unglued here at PC w/ you guy. (thank you so much my supportive friends) I called the T being the PTSD traumatized person that I am. She talked to my H alone 3 days later. She told him it was as good as over, his sh.it was rude and crude and had no place in a marriage. That it was not away to show someone you loved them, cared for them or even wanted to stay w/ them. She also told him if he ever said anything like what he was saying to me, telling me he had nothing to say to me, she'd be gone in a red hot min if it were hubby. If he wanted to stay in this marriage he needed to stop and do a complete turn around, because I was done.

4 days later we saw the T again. Things went better. Not great but better. My H has been pleasant and nice ever since. He's texted me messages, called, said thank you, told me I did something right. I almost wonder where my real husband went. I like this man. I don't care where my H went I just want to keep this impostor that looks just like him.

So this all sounds positive right. It is, don't get me wrong. But I am afraid to believe, as badly as I want to, that he is changed. I am seeing w/ my own eyes, but I lived w/ 18 years of abuse at his hands. I can't just walk away and pretend it never happened. It did and it was a horrible place to be. I can't begin to explain the terror, the fear, the desperation caused by living w/ this man day in and day out for 18 years. It has done things mentally to me that I don't know if I will ever recover from. I don't know if I will ever be able to reclaim my life. I don't know if I will ever get to be me, the me I want to be, the me I used to be. I think that person is lost forever, or I'm afraid to go after that person(if that makes any since)

I am afraid to trust him. I'm afraid to believe him. I'm afraid to let him in. I know he won't hurt me physically but mentally. Mental damage hurts so much deeper then physical damage. Physical everyone can see, mental is inside of me. I want to believe and trust, I do. I can't trust people who have never hurt me, how in the world do I trust someone that has done this.

I feel like I should be happy. The T told us she thinks we are doing well enough to go to seeing her every two weeks. That feels good. It feels like WE have accomplished something. She will still be part of our relationship for quite awhile. She wants to work w the kid some and deal w/ the trauma's they have, due to there daddy emotionally killing me in front of them. Plus the things he has done to them, like the things he did to me. I also have trauma work to complete due to a long drawn out rape form the past. So our work w/ her is not done. I'm just afraid of change.

I am on a slow trip back from hell I feel like. I have been stuck in absolute hell for 18 years and now I have escaped but am afraid. Hell was comfortable, at least I knew what to expect. Life is so new for me. It is so scary. I use the computer and get a glimpse of him looking at me and I shiver w/ fear down to the core of my soul, because I know that I was once chastised for using the computer and now it is supposed to be ok. I am afraid but trying to grow past the fear. I can't begin to explain what this feels like. Right now things are just a little overwhelming and I am terrified of life.

Thank you guys for listening. I don't know whre I'd be w/ out you.

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Hey gang. It's been a while since I posted anything here. Last time I put something here I was falling apart and my life was hanging in the balance. My H and I were having huge issues. Things between us were as well as over. So that being said let me give you a brief up date on how things are going.

As of the time that I last wrote my H had been snowed in w/ us (me and the kids) and was absolutely driving me batty. He kept dropping these nasty little hints, snorting like a pig, mumbling you are so dumb, rolling his eyes, standing where I needed to be and making me ask him to move because he know I feared him. for example I'm setting the table and need to get the silverware, he's in front of the drawer and all the cabinets. Instead of moving he is smirking at me. I could say lets see how many forks do we need, still he stands there. He is either stupider then I thought, or has the power to intimidate me and he knows it. I know he's no dummy so the last option is most likely it. Well after two weeks of little emotional kicks to remind me who's who, We went to T and it was not pretty at all. It was one of those hour and 30 min visits instead of the average 50 min visit. To me things were as good as over and I managed to come unglued here at PC w/ you guy. (thank you so much my supportive friends) I called the T being the PTSD traumatized person that I am. She talked to my H alone 3 days later. She told him it was as good as over, his sh.it was rude and crude and had no place in a marriage. That it was not away to show someone you loved them, cared for them or even wanted to stay w/ them. She also told him if he ever said anything like what he was saying to me, telling me he had nothing to say to me, she'd be gone in a red hot min if it were hubby. If he wanted to stay in this marriage he needed to stop and do a complete turn around, because I was done.

4 days later we saw the T again. Things went better. Not great but better. My H has been pleasant and nice ever since. He's texted me messages, called, said thank you, told me I did something right. I almost wonder where my real husband went. I like this man. I don't care where my H went I just want to keep this impostor that looks just like him.

So this all sounds positive right. It is, don't get me wrong. But I am afraid to believe, as badly as I want to, that he is changed. I am seeing w/ my own eyes, but I lived w/ 18 years of abuse at his hands. I can't just walk away and pretend it never happened. It did and it was a horrible place to be. I can't begin to explain the terror, the fear, the desperation caused by living w/ this man day in and day out for 18 years. It has done things mentally to me that I don't know if I will ever recover from. I don't know if I will ever be able to reclaim my life. I don't know if I will ever get to be me, the me I want to be, the me I used to be. I think that person is lost forever, or I'm afraid to go after that person(if that makes any since)

I am afraid to trust him. I'm afraid to believe him. I'm afraid to let him in. I know he won't hurt me physically but mentally. Mental damage hurts so much deeper then physical damage. Physical everyone can see, mental is inside of me. I want to believe and trust, I do. I can't trust people who have never hurt me, how in the world do I trust someone that has done this.

I feel like I should be happy. The T told us she thinks we are doing well enough to go to seeing her every two weeks. That feels good. It feels like WE have accomplished something. She will still be part of our relationship for quite awhile. She wants to work w the kid some and deal w/ the trauma's they have, due to there daddy emotionally killing me in front of them. Plus the things he has done to them, like the things he did to me. I also have trauma work to complete due to a long drawn out rape form the past. So our work w/ her is not done. I'm just afraid of change.

I am on a slow trip back from hell I feel like. I have been stuck in absolute hell for 18 years and now I have escaped but am afraid. Hell was comfortable, at least I knew what to expect. Life is so new for me. It is so scary. I use the computer and get a glimpse of him looking at me and I shiver w/ fear down to the core of my soul, because I know that I was once chastised for using the computer and now it is supposed to be ok. I am afraid but trying to grow past the fear. I can't begin to explain what this feels like. Right now things are just a little overwhelming and I am terrified of life.

Thank you guys for listening. I don't know where I'd be w/ out you.

Thank you for sharing your feelings. To be able to put those feelings into words is monumental and I applaud you. I have trouble finding ways of expressing my self at times and when I read what others are going through it put's it into perspective. Warm thoughts to you.

[unaluna]

At least he did it. I gave my mother an ultimatum, I said be nice to me, don't yell at me, for just one day. She couldn't make it two hours. I said okay, just apologize. She got REALLY mad and said she would never apologize and was practically spitting. I had no choice but to leave. Your marriage, your family, your life can still be created anew every day. Try to see life thru your kids' eyes, thru fresh eyes every day. My T tries to see his clients thru fresh eyes every session, otherwise our own change would be impossible.

[Big Mama]

Hankster and chile thank you for your kind words. Just in a new place and like any new place it can be a little scary.

[Sannah]

Where you are at right now and how you are experiencing this makes total sense. It is like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop? I think that you have to get used to this and I think that you will but it will take time.

[Big Mama]

Sannah thank you. Who knew calm could be so scary. I'm sure I have the lack of adrenalin happening as well. I'm so used to being in flight mode. Now I am stuck in mysterious place called calm.

[Sannah]

Makes total sense. Flight mode probably helps you to feel safer? Relaxing doesn't feel safe?

[H3rmit]

> I don't know if I will ever be able to reclaim my life.

I'm rooting for you. I'm new here and of course I don't know you really, but reading your post left me blazing mad at your H and wanting to kick his butt. Now, I have never actually hit anyone as an adult, but I felt fiercely protective and I totally agree with your T's assessment of the injustices. (Do you?) So I hope you can reclaim your life and things have changed for good!

[Big Mama]

H3rmit thank you for your encouragement. I so totally agree w/ my T. I had been in long discussions on this subject w/ her or long visits of just crying and crying. When I finially told here it was over and I was putting it in her hands because I didn't know what else to do she asked if she could tell my H the things she and I had talked about. The things that I had told her about him. I told her absolutely. At that point I had nothing to lose, absolutely nothing.

It has been a long hellish ride, and I hope the ride is over. I want on a much gentler ride. I hope he sees I mean business.

Sannah flight mode is so so much safer then this is. A life of fight flight or freeze is hard to let go of. Fight, flight, freeze, or __________. (what) What is living life and looking it square in the face.

[H3rmit]

I feel like good things are ahead for you, whether H is good and you stay or instead one day you find you must move on.

And I get a kick out of your avatar -- that hair and intense feline expression conjures up someone frazzled yet not to be messed with.

[Big Mama]

Thank h3rmit, that kittty is me, just going w/ the flow.

[adam_k]

I hope he takes some of the stuff the therapist told him to heart and revaluates his life, and behavior towards you. Best wishes big mama, stay strong.

[Big Mama]

Adam thanks for the encouragement. I need all I can get. Who knew normal could be so scary.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Sannah flight mode is so so much safer then this is. A life of fight flight or freeze is hard to let go of. Fight, flight, freeze, or __________. (what) What is living life and looking it square in the face.

When you realize that you can protect yourself is when I think that you can relax a little. You are not small!

[Big Mama]

I can feel myself wanting to crawl away from him. It is easier to just let him blow off steam verbally, it's only words right. Well we all know that is not right. Words hurt just as badly as hits and slaps.

I don't want to argue w/ him. I don't want to put up a big fuss. I am afraid of the new me and how that changes things. I am afraid things will go back to the way they used to be. I am afraid my H is just going along w/ the program so to speak and he will be himself again. I am just struggling at the moment.

This to shall pass, is what they say. Sure do wish it would hurry up.

[adam_k]

((big mama))

Be strong mama. You deserve to be respected and not yelled at and tore down. I hope you can stay strong and stand up for yourself. If he really cares he will understand. If he doesn't you deserve better then that. I hope everything works out. I'm here if you ever want to talk.

[Big Mama]

Thanks Adan, just in a tough spot right now I guess. Nothing I can do really but push threw it. And take a nap. That always helps. Thank you for your kind words.

Naps help me a lot

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I can feel myself wanting to crawl away from him.

Walk don't crawl.

Originally Posted by Big Mama

It is easier to just let him blow off steam verbally,

Walk away?

Can you and your T get him to go to individual therapy?

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I don't want to argue w/ him. I don't want to put up a big fuss.

Good, don't.

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I am afraid of the new me and how that changes things.

Interesting, want to elaborate?

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I am afraid things will go back to the way they used to be.

[Big Mama]

I'm afraid things will go back to the way they used to be

That means, condsending, rude, demeaning, belittleing, intimidating. Things have gotten better w/ us but fear holds me hostage. I don't want to push his buttons. He really si trying to be calm and civil. I want him to feel what civil is like just for a little while. I'm afraid once he goes back to his old ways they will stay there.

It is easier to be a pushover and just let him have his way and turn my back and walk away.
it is just less painful that way. But counter productive.

it's easier honey (I understand that for sure...so scary), but not great for you or the kids' self-esteem and well-being. Not a lot of growth opportunity

Rose

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I'm afraid things will go back to the way they used to be. That means, condsending, rude, demeaning, belittleing, intimidating. Things have gotten better w/ us but fear holds me hostage. I don't want to push his buttons. He really is trying to be calm and civil. I want him to feel what civil is like just for a little while. I'm afraid once he goes back to his old ways they will stay there. It is easier to be a pushover and just let him have his way and turn my back and walk away.
it is just less painful that way. But counter productive.

[Sannah]

Do you think that you are looking at all of this like he has all of the power and you have none?

Originally Posted by Big Mama

It is easier to be a pushover and just let him have his way and turn my back and walk away.

Did you mean "It is easier to be a pushover and just let him have his way rather than turn my back and walk away"?

[Big Mama]

Sannah that is what I should have meant. That is not what I did mean so that is not what I said.

I let him throw his little tantrum, and I leave the grown up baby to throw his little fit while I go to another room when he is done.

Don't argue w/ a child, even a huge 38 year old one. You'll never win. After the damage is done I turn and walk away. I know that is not right, but he is such an A. And drives me to the boiling point.

I simply do not have the tools to stand up for me, the tools to stand up to him. When
God was handing out mental tools I was at the end of the line. I do not have the tools but I hope to find the tools w/ T. My goodness where did those darn tools go.

[Big Mama]

Rose, True, that doesn't provide much room for growth now does it. We have T next tuesday, Hope I get my thoughts and words together, and courage, to bring this up. If not, I need another appointment alone.

[Sannah]

It is good to walk away, though, mama. It is a good thing to do. You can't control him. It is crazy to argue with him. Walking away is the best thing to do.