On the path to a better life, but afraid of success

But when do you walk away? Do you listen to his tantrum first?

I do listen to his tantrum first and there lies the problem. I listen to him first because we are working on being heard and neither of us shutting down. He throws his tantrum, spews his verbal crap and I hang my head and walk away. No use fighting w/ him. I just get tired of walking away and letting him throw his fit. It always ends the same way. Argueing w/ him, or trying to solve the issue, just ends in more hurt for me. So I choose the path of least resistance. To be quiet and let him have his words and then walk away.

I dissociate very badly. And alot of the time what he has to say is not heard. He shuts down to, but he is getting better at keeping me present and I hate it. Dissociating is where I go. I have been mentally and emotionally abused by him and it is difficult to remain present. I am prepared for more abuse, intimidation, and to be put in my place. Dissociating is my best option and I don't know what the other option is besides putting up w/ his crap. What am I supposed to do.

Why not also be heard? It isn't arguing. If you listen to him he should listen to you.

He twists my words. Tells me we are talking about the present not the past we are not going back there, to the past. Then he does and brings up things from the past. He gets to bring up the past and the things that other people do and that is ok. I can't.

I don't get to bring up the things that others do trying to make the story easier to understand, that is about someone else not us is his answer. He gets to use examples and do things his way and I don't get the same liberty he does in our discussions. He twist my words and gets so angry and just repeats "that is not about me" or "this is not about us it's about someone else". So then we can't discuss the matter because it is about someone else. Unless he explains it that way then it is ok.

I know that sounds wishy washy. I don't know how to explain that clearly. I am terrible w/ words spoken. PTSD makes me completely unable to come up w/ words at all. They are in my head and I can't get them out to be heard. It is very frustrating.

I understand what you are saying. How about either you both get listened to or neither do? Is what he is saying really valuable?

I understand this perfectly, Mama.

Thank you doodle, It is hard to explain. I am glad that was something that was understandable. Sometimes you say one thing and folks see it a different way. Thanks for the confirmation.

Why the heck is he having a tantrum? Can't he speak to you without yelling? Yelling - no wonder you dissociate. When I yell at my husband, he shuts down too. It's hard to think with someone yelling at you. I said "when I yell." I did it once in the last 3 months for about 30sec to a minute before I realized I was being a loudmouth jerk. It's not okay. Why is it expected that you should put up with that? Wouldn't you rather listen to just his words, whatever they are, and emotions, rather than a tantrum?

For me, I found Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication writings and videos helpful for understanding my feelings and better way of being. Perhaps it or somthing else like it would help your husband. What your H does sounds not okay even though it's better than his worst.

thanks H3rmit, I may have to look up Marshall Rosenberg.