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#1
Mar 26, 2013, 08:03 AM
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Yesterday in therapy, my T and I were going over why I never felt protected by my parents. This is the story that came up. I want to share because it's something I haven't thought about in years and it's opened up a new feeling of shame in me. Here goes...
When I was around 6 or 7 years old, my sister and I would play at our neighbor's house. We had pretty nice neighbors-- a single father that was raising 4 kids of his own. The father wasn't anyone impressive, but he kept and eye on us and let us play on his front porch. My mom is a lunatic. She wasn't all bad, but she would convince herself of a whole lot of things-- one of them being that I was raped by our neighbor. I wasn't at all. I tried to tell her. She would ask me vulgar questions, like, "Did he stick his **** up in you?" I told her no so many times but she wouldn't listen. My mom convinced my dad (who is a decent man for the most part) and they took me to the doctor to get a pelvic exam. All I can remember was wondering why it hurt and what the doctor was looking at. I didn't have any clue about female anatomy and was so scared about what was going on. I remember wondering in my head, "Am I doing a good job, mommy? I'm trying to hold still, even though this hurts." I wanted to cry so bad. The doctor told my mom that I hadn't been raped. He seemed kind of annoyed with her for not listening to me. With the news that my virginity was intact, my mom was NOT happy or even relieved. She was furious. We got up and left that doctor's office as quick as we could and she never mentioned it to me again... I never asked. And now I'm left feeling like I was sexually abused by the doctor. He wasn't by any means gentle with me... felt like he was taking out his frustrations with my mom onto me. And now I have my "women's exam" set up for next week with a doc I've never met and I'm terrified. 
__________________
So though I tremble in the darkness, in the cold and frozen snow I am grateful for winter, for the winter comes to show That our trouble's never over and work our work is never done But with the turning of the season, we will always see the sun -Noah Gundersen, Musician [Exodus.14.14] <3 |
 Anonymous32810, Silent_Tears_17, WePow
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#2
Mar 26, 2013, 11:15 AM
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You are feeling shame because you are anxious about your appt.?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#3
Mar 26, 2013, 11:28 AM
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Quote:
__________________
So though I tremble in the darkness, in the cold and frozen snow I am grateful for winter, for the winter comes to show That our trouble's never over and work our work is never done But with the turning of the season, we will always see the sun -Noah Gundersen, Musician [Exodus.14.14] <3 |
| WePow
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#4
Mar 26, 2013, 11:37 AM
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You felt shameful because you didn't please your mother?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#5
Mar 26, 2013, 11:57 AM
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I am so sorry that happened to you. You did not deserve that. It was a violation but the fault is your mom's. The doc should have been gentle though. But that is not something a child needs to go through. Shoot - that is difficult enough for an adult!!! I am so sorry.
__________________
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