I haven't posted here before. So trying to explain will be difficult. Well I grew up being shamed. My parents didn't want me. Escaped with a boyfriend who just used me. I accepted it. I thought he loved me. So when he date raped me I just forgave it. I had been holding out for marriage. But he wanted it so bad and I couldn't fight him off. It soinds stupid of me to stay with someone after that. But I had absolutely no self worth because of some very traumatic experiences in my childhood. My mothrr actually called me a dirty pig and many other names. She seemed to be proud of my older sister and brother though. I wasnt wanted. So as soon as someone showed interest in me it wss my escape. But always bad choices in men. They just treated me like a sex object. I tried to commit suicide at 21 because the boyfriend I mentioned gave me a ring but then said "now don't think its special or means anything" I was crushed because I had been so loving to him. I purposely drove my car into a tree shortly after that. I had a pastor from our church that had "counseled me " when I was 16. He knew I needed to get out of my home. He offered to take me into his family but they changed their mind. I was thinking of all the rejection.

I survived the totalled car wreck. A constable at the hospital offered to counsel me too. I wss looking for anyone to help. He picked me up but then held my hand and kissed me. He was telling me about being seperated from his wife. I thought he wanted a realationship. But honestly I was just thrilled with the idea I had a policeman who wanted me. Well I couldn't give in to my desires because later on he told me his wife was pregnant. So I told him no more seeing each other. A year later I got depressed because I turned to alcohol and other men looking for love. Still rejection. I wrote that policeman a letter. He came to my apartment and we started seeing each other again. I didn't feel right about it. I hated myself so much by this point. He came over in uniform sometimes. One night I had enough of him groping me so I just did him a "favour" you know what I mean. His holster was off..I grabbed it and went in the bathroom with it. I shut the door. Then said 'R----r I can't get this thing out of the holster. He ran to the door and tried to open it. It was a small bathroom so I braced my leg against it. He finally pushed it open. He just said "---- I love you but this isn't gonna work" and left me. I could have shot myself if I had figured out how to get that gun out. He is a seargent now. He would have lost his job if I reprted him.
Fast forward I meet a guy from Switzerland at my home church. I was intrigued. I had a 2 year old and had been dumped by the father. I wasn't desperate for a man at all. I just loved my son. But I was lonely. And even though I let him know I wasn't interested anymore, he wouldn't give up on me. I guess I liked that. I don't know why I married him. I wasn't planning on having anothrr baby. Anyways, I soon learned his past was filled with abuse. He became abusive...we are now legally seperated but he has been charged with harassment after getting away twice with domestic abuse. He is now gone ballistic. He's always made it known to me he likes Hitler, nazis and guns. He threatened my life 7 weeks ago. He's posting pics on facebook of swiss army guns. I think he may want me dead. I'm scared.

Kelly4519
I'm sorry your post went unanswered up until now. I'm sure others who normally post in this forum will respond.

It sounds like you needed to escape from your parents which is very sad. I'm also sorry you have encountered people who took advantage of you being vulnerable, only to take advantage of you.

PC is a safe place to post and I know you can some help from the people here.

Thanks YYZ ...it made me feel embarrassed after I posted it. Its just too hurried trying to get some of my hurt out. I do feel as though I was taken advantage of. I was so naive. I was really rejected as a kid by both parents, but honestly my mom was an unbeievable person and still is. I know it has something to do with her own abuse issues I guess. Thanks for the hugs you guys! It should have been titled "Very LONG VENT" thanks, kelly

No need to be embarrassed

I've gotten a lot of therapy simply by writing my thoughts down. I never knew That helped, until I started doing it

Vent anytime you like...