[blessedNstressed]

I was molested by two uncles as a young girl. I never received any counselling afterward. I am now 41 years old and can barely remember any of my childhood or teenage years. I remember being depressed and alienating myself from most people. I was an only child and was very lonely and felt like a nuisance to my step-father and mother most of the time.

I became very promiscuous from the ages of 17 through 19, and again after a horrible marriage of 8 years. I ended up putting myself in a situation, drunk on tequila in a large city, away from home that has traumatized me more than any of the childhood I can remember. What started out as a night of consensual sex with a stranger ended up with me being brutally raped repeatedly and left in a bloody mess in a hotel room. That happened in Feb. of 2000.

Every year I begin with what feels like seasonal depression around the end of the fall season. When it gets really cold outside, I start to remember quite frequently the rape and sometimes every detail of the rape over and over. I have looked for this man, because I do know his name, every year online, without any results.

This year I just happened to find him. I know where he lives, what the name of the Construction buisness is that he runs, and the names of his children, via facebook. I do not understand why I was so curious about where he is in his life now, but I definitely have been. Maybe I thought I could tell if he was still this monster, or if he possibly found religion or something and turned his life around......stupid thinking I know.

I have been very distant from my family through the past few months during the time I've been dealing with reliving this. I'm irritable, depressed, and have been so ashamed of my lack of parenting during this time.

At one time as an adult I had a counselor who I trusted and actually enjoyed talking to, but she left the practice, and I never sought out anyone else to talk to. I know that I need to find a new counselor but the thought of starting from scratch seems exhausting to me. I also was diagnosed with SLE lupus in 2008, which is just a whole different level of depression, anxiety and exhaustion compared to anything I've ever known.

I am wondering if I may have been dealing with PTSD all of this time.....there are certain things that have happened that have triggered major panic attacks, seeing a similar situation on a television show, or hearing the sound of a diesel truck, because we were in a diesel truck before the rape took place. I have tried quite a few different depression medications over the years and never stayed on anything for very long because of allowing people in my church who had no clue tell me that medication was no good for me.

I see now that medication can be a good thing, but don't know where to begin.....I did have success from what I remember with effexor xr, and maybe a long time ago with prozac.

All I want in life is to get myself together enough to be the kind of parent that will make me proud and raise my children up to be happy and healthy. Is there anyone out there who can relate to this? I feel lost....tired...empty...ashamed....and alone. I have 5 beautiful children and a good man as my 2nd husband all wanting me and I continually pull myself away from everyone and get lost in online poker games or find excuses to go off by myself when I know they are craving time with me. I really hate myself when I cannot cope with being the wife and mother I know I should and can be because it's all I've ever wanted.........

It felt good to vent at least.....it actually felt good to get a few tears out while I was typing some of this....I need help. One positive thing.....I have been aware that I need to spend some one on one time with my family, so earlier tonight I played yahtzee with my 3 little girls.....it was just a step, but it felt great and made me feel proud of sticking it out when i normally would have gotten frustrated or overwhelmed and walked away to let them finish on their own.

Pray for me please.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry about all you have suffered. It does sound like its worth finding a new counsellor

I am also sorry, blessedNstressed. I do hope that you will find some comfort, soon.

-Fleeing Bellocq

[neeshi]

It does make sense to me that you've wanted to have some knowledge of where the perpetrator lives and what he's up to, but it can also be a bit disturbing and triggering, I think, so you might want to limit how often you keep tabs on him that way. I have done the same thing you have for a similar situation, and it affects me and shakes me up for several days, but it gives me a sense of control, too, to be able to quietly find out this information. I have to admit Facebook is a great way to find out what's going on!

I really do think it would be good to see a counselor again.

I will pray for you and your family. Your kids need you to be healthy and well so that you can care for them.