[tinyrabbit]

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING

I remembered some SA stuff involving another kid, and something with my cousin, and it's like it has set off a chain reaction in my head and suddenly I see a really ugly picture, I see the evidence right in front of me.

My bedroom had the airing cupboard in it. My parents had an excuse to come into my room at any time. I wanted to agree set times but nobody listened. So it was unremarkable for a parent to insist on coming into my room. It wasn't considered strange. I didn't really see the problem with this until my T had an absolute fit over it.

My mum sometimes went away for work, maybe twice a year, for a a few days at a time. My older brother wasn't around much so it was just me and my dad and I don't remember anything. I remember that my mum left proper food to heat up and he just made scrambled eggs instead and that's it. The rest is a total blank.

I have always felt uncomfortable around my dad, never wanted him to hug me or come near me, but remember him getting me to sit on his knee when I didn't want to, when I was too old to. He repeatedly invaded my privacy in various ways, didn't respect me as a person, didn't care how I felt. For example on long car journeys he pushed his seat right back so I had no leg room and then told me off because my knees were digging into his seat.

I was always drawn to problems on problem pages that were about CSA. I remember some of them now, word for word. I never knew why I was drawn to them.

I know what I suspect. I don't know if it's true and I'm not going to force it. I am not going to try to remember. My T is away for the next two weeks, and I just need to not think about any of this.

I always believed that, if this happened, you would know. That it didn't happen to me. Didn't stop to wonder why my memories are missing, or why there have always been such strange things in my head. Then I went to therapy and learned that I could dissociate from my body, and my feelings, and my memories.

I'm maybe going to stay off PC for a bit, really appreciate people's support but I think I have to stop thinking because sooner or later I will stop walking round this landmine and step right on it, and everything will explode.

Maybe I'm crazy. Why would I go looking for evidence that something like this happened, it's not like I want it to have happened. But I have a horrible, sinking feeling that there is nothing crazy about this.

[picklewheeze]

Good luck, TR. Either way, we are here for you. You're not alone.

[tinyrabbit]

Thank you.

I have one memory of my dad putting me to bed. One. Out of my entire childhood. The rest are missing.

I would like to think this is all circumstantial but... yeah.

Thanks hon. Need to just pretend all of this doesn't exist for a bit

(((Hugs)))

[picklewheeze]

Thats understandable. It will be okay.

I have things to say and questions to ask but they are triggering, so when youre ready let me know and I'll say them.

Massive hugs your way.

[tinyrabbit]

I can handle the questions. I just may not be able to answer them, but it might help to ask.

I don't get triggered really. Major emotional numbing, totally detached from my experiences. I used to think/hope this meant nothing happened.

[picklewheeze]

I dont want to.trigger you..

I.was just going to say,.what do you remember.of the one time you do remember him.putting you to bed? Do you remember how you felt?

Would he likely have put you to bed very often?

[tinyrabbit]

It's pretty much impossible to trigger me right now. I've totally shut down emotionally.

That one memory: all I actually remember is a story he told me that he made up.

I know he put me to bed at other times. I remember other stories that he told me, but not the experience of being told them. And because sometimes my mum wasn't there.-

Also. I told my T how I once put my toothbrush in my pocket and ran around to my next door neighbour's house - this lovely old lady called E - in my pajamas. I know I was crying, because E said: "The things people do to make children cry." When my dad came to get me he treated it like a joke and said: "Why didn't you say you wanted to go and visit E?" But I didn't tell my T that my mum was away at the time. I have no idea why I was crying.

Actually I remember something else about that bedtime story but I can't write it down. Roll on therapy, I guess.