[picklewheeze]

I'm so angry with myself. So angry. So angry and upset.

I can't look back into my past now, all I can see is everything I never saw before. I'm such a mug.

Why did I put myself so out there to be abused? How could I be so stupid?

Noone will ever understand, I'm gonna be so on my own for the rest of my life. My family don't understand me at all. They never will. They'll never believe me over her thats why I'd never tell them.

I just keep thinking about everything. She took me to swim. I can hardly remember it really, but I remember watching her teach someone else once. I remember how she held them up while they swam along. I remember thinking how weird that was and how easy it would be for pervets to get kicks at swimming pools. I didnt think about the fact maybe that was what she was doing with me..

I remember how everytime we went we'd get changed in a group change. There were only two of us, most of the time but she'd still make us go in a group. I could never just go in my own cubicle. If anyone else was in the group with us, she'd be completely different. She'd cover herself up and look disgusted if I looked at her at all (I know that sounds really disgusting on my part, but please dont judge, I was so confused. I dont even know if I wanted to look or if she just put herself in my face a bit, I really dont.) It was the only time it was acceptable for me to cover myself up.

I have this really disgusting memory.. It really sounds like nothing but for me, I can't stop thinking about it I'm gonna put it on here. Deep breathe. Trigger warning.

I remember when I was about thirteen or so, I'd hit puberty. Not much, but I'd started maturing. I dont know how I ended up in the shower with her, but I did. I remember wanting to shave my legs, cause everyone at school did. But then I remember her showing me how to shave other regions, this is so disgusting sorry. I really distinctly remember her keeping some, cause she was a woman. And her telling me to shave it all of, cause it made me look like a child. Eurgh I feel sick.

I remember when I got out, my mum was really pissed off that I'd shaved my legs. Thats all I remember.

Why do these weird memories upset me so much? I never even felt upset at the time.

I cant stop thinking about EVERYTHING that she used to do. I remember the first time she ever abused me. Its not crystal clear, all I can remember was her being on top of me and I remember being on the carpet and it burning my back.

[Sannah]

Pickle, you were a child. Children cannot think like adults. We are raised to follow orders. This is how children respond to abuse. And remember, abusers are manipulative. They are working all the angles to trap you.

All of these realizations are good for your healing pickle. I hope that you can be kind to yourself.

[picklewheeze]

Thanks Sannah, I just want it all to go away.

All the flashbacks all the sickness all the horrible feelings.

I spoke about some abuse for the first time ever in therapy today. I didnt say much. But it was like someone had pulled the plug and suddenly everything was out of my control and the last five hours are a complete blur, I've only just really come back round now. Its insane.

All I could think about was the first time she ever abused me. I dont even remember that much, which scares me even more. I just remember her being over me. I remember being on the floor. I remember SO distinctly the carpet I was on, I remember exactly what it looked like. How it smelt. I remember how it felt under my hands. I remember how it felt under my back. I remember it burning me. I remember looking to my right and there was something I could see on the floor far away, it was yellow and I tihnk it was a lighter and I just remember focusing everything on that lighter. But something kept happening to make me lose my focus, I cant remember exactly what but I just didnt want to be there, under her

Thats the flashback I had earlier..

[Sannah]

I'm glad that you are sharing in session. It will get easier and your life will be better once you have worked through this.

[tinyrabbit]

Glad you are starting to talk about this.

Children CANNOT CONSENT. You didn't put yourself "out there". Someone preyed on you when they shouldn't have. You didn't have the ability or the agency to stop her.

It's not nothing if it feels like something to you. It upsets you because it felt upsetting at the time and maybe you didn't feel your feelings at the time.

I'm sorry you went through this and I'm sorry it's hitting you now. It won't always feel like this. To quote my T, you can feel lighter with the heavier things in time.

[picklewheeze]

Thanks TR. How are things going for you?

[tinyrabbit]

Am sleeping a lot at the moment, just really wiped out and missing my T.

(((Hugs)))

[picklewheeze]

I'm sure you are, its hard work.

Hugs to you, if you ever want to talk anything over even on here you do know you can ALWAYS pm me and I will reply as quickly as I can, which probably wont take that long.

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks hon. Right back atcha. I hope you're okay - I know this stuff is hard, but you'll get through it, even if it doesn't feel like it now.