TRIGGER... Confused

Hi all,

As I said in the title, those who are easily triggered shouldn't read this one.

That being said, I'm gonna speak pretty frankly here because I want y'all to know exactly what I'm talking about.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, so I have a somewhat skewed perception of appropriate behavior in relationships. I have had a few sex partners who have expressed behavior that I accepted at the time, but looking back, I believe that I shouldn't have accepted their behavior and that they may have even been perpetrating abuse against me. Again, this post is not for the faint-hearted and is certainly not intended to be explicit for the sake of being explicit, I just need some feedback from you peeps.

I had one partner who was rough with me even after I said, "ow" and "that hurts". Perhaps I wasn't assertive enough or he thought I wanted him to continue?

Another partner agreed to use a condom, then didn't, and even finished without one. (apologies for the graphic nature of that one) I specifically told him where I stood on the matter before any of this happened.

I have been feeling weird about these two instances for about a month now. I even had a nightmare/visceral reaction about the man mentioned in the second instance where I woke in a cold sweat and began to shiver uncontrollably with fear that he was in my home. I do have PTSD, btw, stemming from the childhood abuse.

I was hoping to know if you think that these incidents were abusive and how best to handle them, including how to handle future situations.

Peace and love,
Autumnleaves

Hiya, I'm sorry to hear about your past.

I know what you mean about having a skewed perception, it makes it really hard to understand things. I do sometimes think thats the problem with these forums, is that the people that reply, too, often have skewed perceptions. Myself included, but I'll tell you what I think anyway. But remember its your opinion that really matters.

I struggle with the same thing, all the time. I have absolutely no idea what normal is. I can't even tell a guy if he's hurting me, I find it to embarassign and I just freeze and its like a get a mass in my throat I cannot move past to speak. Kudos for letting him know that he was hurting you.

Unfortunately, at the point he should have taken your needs into consideration over his own. There was no need for you to be more assertive, he should have listened more. If you feel its abusive, then it probably was. You were the one who was there and nows how it felt. Like I said, Ive never told anyone there hurting me, so I dont know how people usually would respond to that. I do know guys get carried away sometimes though.

With the second thing, I've had the same thing. Ive never told anyone this.. Here goes.
I'm gonna start by saying if you asked to use a condom and he chose not to that is wrong, he's walking all over your human rights there and you're free will to decide what you want. So I think thats wrong in itself. If he didnt want to use a condom, he shouldnt have had sex with you.

It makes you feel used and dirty I think, when a guy does that. Like you're covered in them and you didnt want to be. Sorry I'm being equally explicit.

Right, here goes. When I was away I was seeing some girl, I really liked her but she was confused by her feelings (gay/bi/or straight?). We had a few amazing nights together doing nothing more than kissing though, but that was perfect. I was abused by a woman so I struggle with sexual things with girls anyway.

On the last night, I saw her walk off with some guy. I was ****ED off. I was on my own and just wanted to feel normal, so I started chatting up this guy. He was really nice and funny but a bit too eager, I should have known. I invited him back to my apartment, it was totally my fault. I would, probably have had consenting sex with him in the fit of anger I was in (I'm really easily hurt by rejection). If it wasnt for what had happened next.

Like I said, he was a bit too eager. He literally got me on the bed pulled my pants of and started ****ing me, there and then. Bone dry. It hurt like HELL. I didnt tell him to stop because like a said, lump in my throat. When someyihng like that happens I get in this surreal little world, and I can't get out of it to stop them. Long story but my T says dissociation to put it simply.

But yeah, it hurt. Then my friends came in, he lept of me and left me there naked for all of them to see as he stole the sheet to cover him up. He looked literally like hed been caught red handed, because he had.

My friends were in a massive strop with me, I cried to them and said for them not to leave them but they physically pushed me and just said go **** him you twat stop being so keen on Suzie (the girl I liked). My friends dont like me being gay.

They ran out of the apartment. I begged and begged with him and coerced him outside of the apartment. I dont even know how. I begged him to take me back to find my friends. He took me outside, dragged me into a car park, pushed me against a wall and 'finished his business'.

It hurt like hell and I just wanted it to be over, I stayed as still as I could. Luckily, he didnt last very long. But when I realised what he'd done all over me I was completely disgusting. That was probably the most humiliating night of my life. Being pushed against a wall and raped. He didnt even look at my face. He had my face into the wall. It was so humiliating.

Sorry I've completely gone off on one, but yes I do know how it feels when I guy doesnt uses a condom against your will and I do thnk its wrong.

Wow, picklewheeze. I'm so sorry that that happened to you. I wish that you were part of my group therapy on my university campus. We are all women who have been raped or sexually abused/assaulted. It is brave of you to share with me. Thank you. <3 No one ever deserves to be abused or raped.

We have a lot in common. My abuser was also female and I recently have started coming out as bisexual.

I agree with what you said about being made to feel used and dirty. I was pretty disgusted when I realized he had finished inside. (sorry again for the graphic nature). It felt especially intrusive because I told him that I was not on any other birth control AND that it was the particular week in my cycle that I needed to be extra careful. I was unhappy about that instance in a number of different ways.

I suppose I'm having trouble deciding how I should feel. My gut reaction is to feel very violated, but I don't want to make a bigger deal out of it than I should or need to.

Ive managed to really trigger myself with this, Id almost forgot.. Somehow. So sorry if this replies a bit lame.

In what way would you be making it a bigger deal? Its how you feel that coubts, go with your gut.

Youre the first person Ive met whos also in the situation aboit sexuality. Im sure we can have more discussions about this.

Hi AL, these guys were not respecting you at all. Did you see other clues outside of sex that they didn't really care about you and only cared about themselves?

Hello Sannah,

One guy was a friend and the other was someone that I had begun dating, but he turned out to be very possessive and insecure. I got the impression from both that they were extremely insecure and selfish.

Peace and love,
autumnleaves