My story. No one knows the full story.

I would like to think that I have grown up and forgiven the participates of my life. I really have no ill will to anyone and do not want to hurt anyone which is why I never spoke my mind. But now is the time I come clean.

I don't have any clear memory of my father in early childhood. I do remember him re-entering our lives when I was in third grade. At this time my he use to tie us up. It was a game of his to see if we could escape. I generally could my brother could not. He would wake me up around 5 am to go out fishing or shooting with him. I never would try fishing instead I would go swimming where he fished. He never tried anything he just watched me. he also never brought my brother or took him fishing by himself.

When I was punished by him he generally would wait till I went to take a shower and would then come in and slap me than leave.

A few months later we moved into a different rental. The tv was in my parents room. My brother and I would both go and lay down to watch tv. One time my father rubbed his penis agaist my back. I figured he was sleeping and moved away from him.

My parents seperated. I thought it was due to his drinking. (Later on I found out my father admitted to my mother what he did.) We visited him on weekends. He got remarried. My brother slept in the bedroom and I slept on tge couch. One night he woke me up while carressing my upper leg. He asked if he could enter me. I stated no and he didn't. He still touched me and himself. I became depressed and told a friend. She told her mother who told my mother. My mother tried to get me to open up. I denied anything ever happened. In 7th grade my mother told my peditrtion. He tried to get his nurse to talk to me. I did not talk.

When I left his office and went home for the afternoon a knock came at the door. A male police officer and a male social worker came to talk to me. The threatened to put me ib custody if I did not tell what occurred. I eventually broke and cryingly told them everything.

My mother figured when my father admitted to rubbing himself against me that he stopped. It was when my friend told my mother that she knew he didn't.
They took down notes. They made it worse by saying they coukd forcibly have me tested if I was not telling the truth. They then said that they were going to interview my father. (He denied everything.) They then said if what said is correct than I would not want to visit him again. If I had any overnight weekend visits with him than I would be removed from my home. They also strongly suggested that my mither make me go to a therapist. I told her I would not speak about it.

My mother became so worried for me. She knew I loved my father and I was ordered not to see him. Within a year we moved out of state.

I believed I was more emotionally raped by the beuracracy than physically raped by my father. And if penetration is the definition of rape than my father never truly raped me.

To this day the only people that knew of my fathers action is me, my mom, and my father. My father always denied it. I eventually was mad at hin and refused to speak to him. I did forgive him but never told him. He died before I could.

In my teenage years and did tell my mom's friend. She told me that my mother always knew and waz sacraficing me to him. I was mad at my mom for awhile. Teenagers belive the bad easily. What I regret is telling my mother what her friend told me. She was so hurt by this. She has not talked to her since and she doesn't know why. I believe that my mom may have been naive but never wanted me to hurt or go through the pain.

Now in my adult years I still do not trust. I do not find sex enjoyable unless there is physi al pain. I also know something is wrong because I need to forced into having sex in order to be excited. The hard part and not normal is that I must trust the person who forces themsekf on me. No normal sex life in my future.

Hi! I am sorry you went through this experience. As you see, even though there was no penetration, your father's behavior has affected your sex life.

I am glad you were able to share your story here. You are not alone in having such an experience. You might want to get to know some other folks here who have been sexually traumatized.

I really believe you need to work through these experiences with a mental-health professional. I don't think you need to give up on having a normal sex life.

I am glad to hear you have forgiven the folks involved. Perhaps the bureaucracy moved too fast, but what your father was doing was wrong.

Please do get some help. Okay?

I am so sorry about what happened to you. My father did such a thing but denied it too. I know and feel for you.

Thanks for the replys and encouraging thoughts. I did go to a therapist twice. Pretty much she said everything I felt was normal. She than stated that most tramatized either went in on in life was one of two ways. You either craved sex and would do it with anyone, anywhere, and anytime. Or you avoided sex. I fell in the later group. So since I was "normal" there was no need to continue.

I applaud your courage to say everything you did. I am so sorry this happened to you and that it is still affecting your life.

I understand the lasting effects of childhood. I have not gotten the courage to truly talk about everything in my life, or at least the most traumatizing parts of it as I have yet to forgive anyone and myself for all of it.

I am glad you are here and are willing to share. Thank you