[bluebythewater]

Yesterday I was working with a group of my friends on a project for an older lady at my church. After we finished they decided to go out to eat. Unfortunately the place the guys wanted to go was a place that holds some pretty bad memories for me. I didn't want to miss out with my friends, so foolishly I decided to go. I hadn't been there in years... and before everyone else had finished eating I was ready to leave- I had to go. I was sick, and kept reliving the incident over and over in my mind the entire time I was there. I can't believe I even went. It was horrible. I thought being with friends I could handle it. Boy, was I stupid.

Last night was a night of horrible nightmares, little sleep, and turning to my crutch (SI) just to get me through the night.

I don't know how to handle situations like that. For me to explain would have been impossible... Fortunately the two people I have confided in about the issues I'm dealing with were there. They knew something was wrong when I left- but I couldn't tell them for fear of just totally breaking down. After I got home they both called me, and I explained as best as I could why it was so rough. They felt bad for encouraging me to go, but it isn't their fault. I should know my limitations. They couldn't have possibly known about the incident.

*sigh* I don't want this to control me. I want to be able to go places and do things with my friends without freaking out. I know it was stupid for me to go..but right now I need my friends too. I'm so frustrated with just...everything.

[hillbunnyb]

dear blue, hey, sorry you were more triggered than you expected. i don't think it's all black and white though. go somewhere else with your friends. cut yourself some slack and notice without judging yourself: hey, "this" is still an open wound, then be gentle with yourself when your thoughts clear and you think about how to proceed. ya know?

[JustAPixie]

You shouldn't feel bad about what happened, I agree with hillbunnyb, it's not just black and white. It must be so hard to go back to such a place, and until you are ready, you should maybe suggest a different place to your friends.

(((((blue)))))) hoping you are finding comfort and peace. Take care of yourself.