hey everyone.

i thought id just come on and have a little chat. im feeling abit protective over myself. when im at home i dont ever feel i can properly relax, especially if my brother is home. after he abused me ive felt i cannot trust him. the abuse happened 9 years ago but i still dont trust him, i doubt i ever will. over the last few weeks, whilst ive been off work i will go into the garden and sunbathe, but when he comes home i get really uncomfortable, because im only wearing shorts, and i feel really exposed so i go inside and change into jeans and t-shirt.

yesterday i was home alone and i was in the garden sunbathing and meditating at the same time, and i didnt hear him come home and i was lead on my sun lounger with my eyes closed and headphones in, and he creeped up behind me and shouted "oi!" right next to my ear and made me jump, it firghtened the living daylights out of me, and he ruined my meditation too. i told him to p*** off then i stormed inside.

but i always feel that vulnerability here at home, and stupidly i feel like he watches me if i am sunbathing in just shorts. i feel so uncomfortable i have to go indoors which annoys me because i enjoy sunbathing. on an evening, when im home and hes home, i will go in my room and lock my bedroom door which makes me feel that little bit safer. it shouldnt have to be this way, i shouldnt feel vulnerable in my own home. its wierd because i dont fear him sexually abusing me again, i just feel uncomfortable around him, even more so when im only wearing shorts.

[BlueFaith]

I can understand you being uncomfortable around him. I know I would be. No one should have to feel like that in their home, though. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I wish there was more I could offer. Please know that you are in my thoughts!

((( Simon )))

((((Simon))))
I can understand that too. It's ashame you have to feel so unsafe around him. I'm really sorry about that. The only thing I can think of is to carry around a t-shirt and some jeans in a small bag or bag pack and have it next to you whenever you're out sunbathing. This way you can just jump up and put them on if he's anywhere near.
Is there anyplace else you can sunbathe? Like in a park or at somebody else's house?
Take Care

[hillbunnyb]

Oh Simon, so sorry you aren't safe at your own home. Abusers are bullies. He is still f'ing with your head and power tripping.
Sounds like a real "winner". As long as he know he's"getting to you" he will continue this abusive pattern.

Boogers suck, I'm sorry your brother is one.

[secretsoufflee]

Hi Simply Simon. I felt the same around my step-father, just a horrible, sinking helpless panic, with rage in there too. Like just don't look at me, don't make a noise, don't exist. Horrible. ss.

[JustAPixie]

Hey Simon

I wish I could tell you what to do to make things better. It's difficult when you want to relax by yourself in your own space but there's someone intruding on you all the time. I also need solitude to clear my head - I'm not really a people person at the moment! There are many alternative options as everyone mentioned above, but I also understand that sometimes you just need to be alone and relax and be with yourself. I don't know your circumstances, so I won't bombard you with advice. I just want to say that you are not alone in what you are going through, although it may feel like it at times. Just looking at your replies I see so many people who identify with you and are there for you. I hope that in time things will become better for you and that you can find your own space.