The link is to a Yahoo article demonstrating different types of verbal abuse that will eat away at a person with depression.

Types of Verbal Abuse

I'm citing as examples the types of verbal abuse I am most likely to encounter, and offering an alternative way to phrase it so that it doesn't SOUND the same as the abuse I've been hit with in the past, and won't be as likely to trigger depression.

The form of abuse: Denial.
Definition: Claiming that the event in question did not happen, when it did.
Example: "I never said that."
It translates to: Either "You're lying," or "You're delusional."
The problem: It calls into question my character and/or my perception of reality, and therefore sanity.
An alternative: "I remember it differently." This allows for two different perceptions without calling one right and the other wrong.

The form of abuse: Discounting.
Definition: Minimizing and devaluing another's feelings.
Example: "It's nothing to get upset about. You're too sensitive."
It translates to: "There is something wrong with you. Normal people wouldn't react the way you did."
The problem: Not only does the original incident hurt, but now there is salt in the wound. I have been insulted twice.
An alternative: "I can see it hurt you." Show support for the hurt feelings without evaluating whether or not the feelings have a "right" to be hurt.

The form of abuse: Countering.
Definition: Disagreeing with or challenging anything the other person says.
Example: "No, it is not. You're wrong."
It translates to: "You're stupid for thinking that."
The problem: It calls my intelligence into question.
An alternative: "It looks a different way to me." Again, individual viewpoints allowed without judging one or the other.

The form of abuse: Verbal abuse disguised as jokes.
Definition: Insulting, put-down "humor" intended to hurt the target and amuse the abuser.
Example: "I heard that man compliment your singing voice. He must be tone-deaf too."
It translates to: "This is what I really think of you, but I'm pretending it's a joke so I can get away with saying it."
The problem: Chips away at self-esteem, then leads directly to the Discounting, above, when "you can't take a joke" is thrown in.
An alternative: If you must joke, do it in a way that builds up. "You keep singing like that, I'll have to charge admission."

Of course, an abuser will scoff at these alternatives and blame the victim for being hurt by the abuse. An abuser wants his/her victim torn down, not built up. These suggestions are for those who are truly well-meaning.

I went through that with my first husband. The "he must be tone-deaf too" insult is one he actually did use on me. If I ever confronted him on something he did that hurt me, within five minutes he'd have the conversation turned around to where I'm begging his forgiveness for everything *I* ever said or did to *him.* Of course he deliberately kept my self-esteem knocked down to nothing at all times. If I figured out I was worth something, I might decide I don't deserve his mistreatment, and leave him. As it turned out, he was right about that. I did leave him, and well I should have.

The difference between someone being an abuser, I think, and someone who merely needs education, would lie in their response to these suggestions. My present-and-forever husband might say things similar to the above without realizing they are abusive, but once educated either by me or by a counselor, he will stop it. Examples of things he used to say but doesn't anymore are, "It's nothing to cry about," "You're trying to pick a fight," and (oh boy, did this one rub me the wrong way!) "Because I said so." On the first one, he learned that if I am crying, I obviously feel I have something to cry about. Just because HE wouldn't cry about it (he almost never does, in any case) doesn't mean I shouldn't. On the second, he figured out that I don't like fighting any more than he does, and I wouldn't "pick" one on purpose. On the third, I think maybe he said it to me once, and never again. I don't think a parent should even say it to a child, at least not routinely. And I'm his wife, not his child.

When things upset me, my husband learns from it and tries not to make the same mistake again. That's the difference between him and an abuser. If someone does take these suggestions, I would venture to say that person is not an abuser at all. An abuser would not take them. In fact, I can hear the voice of my ex-husband scoffing and ridiculing. Notice the pervading attitude here, typical of something he would say: "If some broad accuses me of something I didn't do, I'm gonna call her on it. I'm gonna come right out and tell that b--ch she's bats--t crazy and she's wrong. Why tiptoe around it? I tell it like it is. And if my jokes hurt her sensitive little feelings, well, I can't help it if she has no sense of humor."

Which leads me to another form of abuse: "Forgetting." But this post is too long, so I'll take it up in the next one.

The article describes forgetting as overlapping with denial in the "I never said that" category. The abuser will "forget" that he or she did, in fact, say that. Or, the abuser will "forget" a promise he or she made.

My current husband has a problem here too. I can ask him to do something I'm unable to do myself, and he'll say, "Sure, I'll get to it." Days or even weeks may pass, and it's still undone. When I remind him, "Oh, yeah, I forgot." Message, "I didn't care enough to bother trying to remember." If I'm very upset that what I asked for was forgotten, "Well, why didn't you remind me?" Which, of course, isn't very far from blaming the victim. My therapist didn't let him get away with that. He pointed out to my husband, "If your boss at work tells you to do something, you're not going to shrug it off and let it go for weeks. You're going to get right on it, because it's important. So if your wife wants you to do something, and you agree to it, at what point does it become your responsibility to remember, and not hers to remind you?"

With my ex, he would repeat the same insults over and over, "forgetting" that I asked him not to say that to me because it hurts. A letter appeared in Ann Landers once. A woman wrote that her husband constantly repeats the same two jokes at parties, and both of them hurt her. If he sees her talking to a man, he will say to that man, "Are you trying to steal my wife, you horse thief?" His other favorite line is, "I'd like to die in bed, being shot by a jealous husband." His wife doesn't like these jokes because one calls her a horse, and the other puts him in bed with another woman. Yet he keeps on making them. Ann Landers advised the woman to tell her husband once that the jokes hurt her and she'd like him to stop it. After that, if he does it again, he is abusing her deliberately.

Predictably, my ex responded, "Not necessarily. What if he forgets?" And my point is, if he loves her and cares about her feelings, he won't forget because it will be important to him.

ETA: Just a correction, because sometimes I'm obsessive like that. It was Dear Abby, not Ann Landers. Link here.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

My aunt abused me by saying "I don't remember ever saying that. I would have rememebered". or "I would have known if I had done that." or "I would have rememebered if your babysitter did that."

Also, she made fun of my feelings, my tone of voice by imitating me and by doing the other thing; jokingly insulting me. "Your purse looks like a trash can". or, "you look like a retarded person when your wear your hair like that." and she'd be laughing.

Of course, she would argue with me, too, accuse me of being "angry" or "crazy", or "too emotional" or "you bring on all your problems", etc.

thanks so much for this.

Carol