[googley]

If you are just going to tell me how wonderful mother's day is and how thankful for my mom I should be please just don't read this post.


I hate mother's day. I hate the day when society says we have to love our mothers and be happy about them. But she is the one who abused me. I hate feeling like I have to call her and talk to her as much as she wants to. I hate talking to her at any time. Much less because some societal holiday says I have to. Does anyone else have trouble with mother's day? I just don't want to talk to her at all. She makes me feel guilty. I'm tired of emotionally supporting her. From when I was little. Why can't I ever get a break to be able to take care of myself. Why doesn't someone else take over, like my dad? Isn't it his job? Why is it my job? Why has it always been my job? I don't want to have to take care of her any more. I want someone to take care of me. Why don't I deserve to be taken care of?

[jexa]

Googley, you DO deserve to be taken care of. But you can't go looking for it from your abusers.

Is there a way not to give SO much to your mom on mother's day? Like just send a card and talk for five minutes before you have someplace to go, so you can have a way to escape the long phone call? Your mom is your abuser -- you don't need to give her so much of yourself. A card and a short phone call is fine.

[scorpiosis37]

Thank-you SO much for starting this thread!!! I have been searching high and low for a place to talk about all of the things that Mother's Day brings up for me. It is, without a doubt, the worst day of the year for me.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TMI, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONTINUE READING... but I fell I need to say this somewhere "safe."

Now, on to why mother's day is difficult for me...

The "easy" answer to give is simply "I don't have a mom."

The much more complicated answer, which people often don't fully understand, is as follows: There is a woman out there who gave birth to me, who lived in my house growing up, and is still married to my father. However, due to severe mental and physical illness, she has been unable to be a mother to me since I was born. She got sick at 25 and had me at 36. My father won't tell me what her exact diagnosis is (long story) but to explain a bit about her symptoms: she is unable to carry on a conversation, she doesn't know what day or year it is, she is unable to distinguish between me and my sister, she is unsure of how old I am/where I live/ what I do, she is unable to care for herself, go to the bathroom by herself, etc. While it seems that one should have compassion for her given her situation, the way she treated me growing up has made that all but impossible for me. Aside from her illness, she is simply not a nice person. The only things she has ever said to me are "you're fat," "you're ugly," "move out," "I hate you," "you're a b***," and so on. She has chased me around the house trying to hit me or throw things at me... but, due to her physical illness, I was fast enough to get away even as a young child. She also is unable to control her bowels, bathe herself, drive herself, etc-- so, as I grew up, I was the one who had to deal with these problems. It was completely age inappropriate-- an 11 year old should not have to change her mother's diaper. When I would have friends over, she would have bathroom accidents in front of them, walk around naked, etc-- I got teased in school for this and it got to the point where I couldn't have friends over anymore. At one point it got so bad I called child protective services myself, and they came, but after being fed lies by my dad, they decided not to help. Instead, they offered to give ME treatment for my "lying." About a year later, when it got really bad again, I decided to tell a teacher-- but she also did nothing. In addition to the problems with my mom, I also had an abusive nanny (but no one believed me about that, either). A big part of the problem is not only the situation itself, but the fact that there was no help to be had by any other adult and no validation of my experience. My dad went to great lenghts to lie about it/ hide the truth. So, all in all, I have anger about the situation.

And I also have sadness. Sadness for all of the mother/daugher events I never got to participate in. Sadness about never being held or told "I love you." Sadness that I will never know what it's like to have a mother or feel a mother's love. Sadness that there are no good times to remember. Sadness that there is no one to call when I want to cry, or talk, or just have someone listen on the other end of the phone. Sadness in watching other girls/women with their mothers. Sadness when I see Mother's Day commercials on TV. Sadness when my professor came in today and passed around the card she bought for her mom, and then all of the other girls in the class started talking about what they bought for their moms and what their plans for mother's day were. (Anger that it never occurred to any of them that there might be someone in the room that this discussion was hurting).

I've been looking on line and in bookstores for any information/resources for girls who have grown up without a mother, but I haven't been able to find anything that really applies to my situation. There are several things out there on girls whose mothers have passed away, but they all focus on remembering the good times and carrying the memory of your mother with you. There are also things on women who have had mothers come down with alzheimers later in life, and the difficulty of having your mother there/not there at the same time-- but again, they tell you to focus on the happy times and how to remember that your mom once cared for you, now you can repay the kindess by taking care of her. But what if there are no good times to remember and no bond of love that was ever created?

I did mention much of this to my T last session, but I just don't feel I got the help/support I needed. I just feel she wasn't really prepared for my situation (and perhpas the bluntness with which I delivered it). She recommended a book to me (and i really, genuinely appreciate her effort) but it fell into one of the categories I described above. Thus, it had the dual effect of "this book is something T likes. T is trying to help me. T is awesome"... yet..."once again this book does not apply to me! Nothing applies to me! I am alone! I will always be alone!"

Thank-you for those you who have beared with me and reached the end of the post... I really, really, really appreciate it! I just needed to get that out and feel "heard" ...er... read.

Any advice would be appreciated, or simply any kind words!

Thanks all!

[Evening]

I understand that you don't like Mother's day, I don't like it either, but for a different reason. I can't handle any sort of intimacy or affection so just the thought of sending my mother a text message to say happy mothers day makes me cringe. She knows I'm that into celebratory things, but I still can't wait for the whole thing to be over.
So you are totally not alone!

(((Googley)))--I think of it as just a Hallmark card day. My mom's been gone for several years...as a mom, my kids ne'er paid much attention to it either---

Just another day, and then it'll be over with--empathy hugs-theo

[granite1]

i hate mothers day and i will never ever make my son feel in the slightest bit bad for not honoring it.i hate the mother but every year i go out and get her a gift as i am full of bitterness and disdain for this woman.all in the name of avoiding conflict.I myself would never want a gift bought in this manner.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((googly))))

Thank you for this post. I do understand and I appreciate that you are able to say the way you feel. I do not like mother's day, for we did not have a mother, not one that we would claim. Yes, we were born to someone but that is the extent. Sometimes like now I cannot even thank her for that. For in being born, I am now facing the horror of my life that she was a part of. How do you be thankful for that? How do we say thank you mom for hurting me and for making me someone that I do not really even know who I am. Just sitting here answering this post tears fall over not understanding, not having, not even connecting.

My heart does not understand, it cannot comprehend. To those who have had mothers that were good to you and and made you feel loved and like you were a person and belonged then I hope you have a special day to remember her, but for those of us that have not had that, I so understand. I am so sorry that this day is so hard but I do understand. When this day comes, I shut down and I fear all those times I try so hard to forget. My heart does not know how to connect and I do not want to belong. When you are not wanted but born as an object how are you suppose to feel? My heart goes out to you ((((googley)))) and the others here who have talked about the reality of mother's day for them.

I realize that we can look past that and that we can make it different for ourselves. But this week has been very hard for all of us within. Trying hard to hold thoughts and feelings within and yet feeling as though we are nothing. Finding fear surrounding myself that no one knows or understands. Every year, I hate this day. It brings up for me and all within terror, how do you get past that? We hurt and want this time to pass. Something inside screams, I scream within. No matter how hard I try, those feelings and thoughts will not pass. Tears fall across my face and it is hard to breath just thinking. It hurts.

I wanted to share a poem we wrote many years ago. We have shared this before and it was a poem I wrote thinking about Mother. It is a thought of what we wish we could feel like on this day, but it is not so and it hurts. My heart goes out to those who have a hard time this day. Thank you all for sharing what you have. Know that I understand and that what you feel is validated. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Mother

Though you're miles away
My thoughts are always on you
I don't know what to say
Except I think the whole world of you
You're always there to say hello
And share a smile with me
So when I say, "I love you mom"
That's exactly what I mean
You're the best mom in the world
But that's not all you are to me
You're a wish and thought on a sad day
That cheers me up and brightens my way
You're everything a girl could want
To have her mother be
Your image is more than just a mother
You are a friend to me
In my mind you always listen
When I want to talk with you
And somehow always have the answer
No matter what I do
When something seems to go all wrong
You make it so I see
That no matter what the outcome
You'll always stand by me
You pray everything will be alright
If I just give it time
And let God work things out
So they will all be fine
I know its been forever
Since we've seen each other
But I always long for the time
we'll just talk to one another
I love you more than you could know
More than my feelings could ever show
So I hope this says it all for me
Where ever you are mother
I want to just say thanks
In my mind for all you've done
I don't deserve one thing
But my heart you have won

Now I close these feelings
That in my mind now flow
And wish I had a mother
To whom this I could show
But since that's not the way it is
And the reality hurts so
We'll tuck it back up deep inside
No one will ever have to know.

(dps and insides)

[perpetuallysad]

I have no contact with my mother. She was my abuser and has done so many horrible and damaging things to me that I cannot honor her. I have a 9 year old son though, and the idea that he could one day hate me as much as I hate my mother is terrifying to me. I remind myself that I am a good mother though, and that I would never do the things she has done to me to him (that was an awful sentence!). My son and husband both give me gifts though, and I appreciate the thought. Its especially neat because my son is becoming very thoughtful and tries hard to give me special things.

I decided a year and a half ago to permanently remove the power my mom had over me. Since then it has been very liberating. I still haven't figured out how to silence her voice in my head, but I have, at least, stopped from adding anymore to it.

Its ok to not like mother's day. Sadly there are many mothers who deserve no recognition.

[tryingtobeme]

(((((((((((Googley))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are feeling so hurt. I didn't get alone with my mom but then we never did. I wish you comfort during this week and on Mother's Day.

You do deserve to be taken care of, loved, and nurtured. I will be thinking of you. Try to hang in there.

Do you have anyone you know that you could be with a little bit on Mother's day? that is the best thing I can suggest right now. I'm so sorry though. Maybe we should make a plan, maybe post onthe boards, that all females needing support on here join us during the day on mother's day so we don't feel so alone. I don't know just a thought. We could create a separate room.

What do you think of that?
you deserve all the hugs and love. Don't let anyone tell you any differnt.

[Sannah]

I struggled with this too. I used to call her but I was grumpy all day because I knew in my heart that she didn't deserve any honors on Mother's Day. Now I just send a card with money in it because they need the money and I feel okay about that. It is a simple card that only says "Happy Mother's Day". She doesn't get any accolades in it. I found something for me that works. Hopefully you can find something that works. I totally understand how you feel!

Maybe it is time to quit your "job"?

[SUNNY2009]

Hi all, Wow! I never realized how many of us there are! I wanted to let you know that I too face this dilemma. Although I do not hate my mom. Actually I love her in a twisted way. Maybe it is sick to love her. Its all a part of the issues I am still working on from my childhood, stemmed from her abusive ways and my dads. Maybe it is because she would scream and hit but then act as if nothing happened and then she would be nice. I am not really sure how it all works. Unfortunately I have been so engrossed in the abuse I suffered from dad that I have had this abuse from mom on the back burner.
However, every year I go shopping for a card for her and every year I read the words and talk of memories and talk of being close and talk of how thankful I am for a wonderful mother on mothers day. I find myself looking for short and sweet cards; simply put cards; cards that are not so damn mushy; cards that dont talk about good memories and how mom did this and that. Then as I go through the cards, I get the guilt thing going on. It is a torturous process, but each year I chin up and do it cuz ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO .... BLAHHHH!
I love mom but I hate mom. I am not sure how this works, and stills got a long way to go when I actually think about it.
One good thing is that I have been in T for 1 1/2 yrs now and I have managed to put a lot of space between both my parents and me and my son. This mothers day I am going away, I am going to spend time with a friend who I enjoy hanging around with. I am doing something for myself, (although I had not planned it to fall on mothers day ... it has!, and I am soooooo glad. haaaaaa! I will not be home to deal with the task. This is the first time ever.
Memory: When I was little, my brothers and I went shopping downtown for a gift for mom ... we picked out these beautiful earings that were like big crystals you would see on a chandelier and dangled and shined ...we bought them at a jewelery store.... in our eyes they were the best for her, we were so proud of them and were so excited to give them to her. We gave the gift to her ..... GUESS WHAT?! .... she did not like them, actually she laughed and said "I wont wear these, I will have to bring them back" .....It is strange but I still remember that day....I remember how hurt I felt and how upsetting it was to witness her discontent. Every year since then she always complains about the gifts we give and how she wishes we would not give anything if we dont know what she likes...
The problem is she doesnt like anything!
The problem is she was always miserable and always unsatisfied with anything and everything we gave her.
A few years ago I bought her a camera (brand new) really nice. Was expensive too. But she loves taking pictures and this I knew was the perfect gift. GUESS WHAT? She didnt like it and returned it. ARGH!*&^%$ is all I can say.
So you know what .... I dont buy anything for her anymore because she is impossible. OK now I am just ranting and raving.
My point is .... I know how you all feel in some way and I can relate and I am wanting to show you .... you are not alone.
I hope that we can all make "THE DAY" a "SELF LOVE DAY".
"Happy Self LOVE Day" to all of us kids that had to endure our mothers misery and abusive ways.
Lets take ourselves out and buy ourselves a card and ourselves an outfit or jewelery or just out for a nice walk and day away from home, away from all of the reminders of the so called holiday for someone we would rather not celebrate.
I hope that each of you too can plan some special self time on that day....I really do. And when you wake up in the morning, smile and remember it is a ME Day or a YOU DAY ..... a day where we can do whatever we want to because it is about us and nobody else ... (other than our own kids of course)..... lots of love and hugs to you all .... thanks for reading my blurb of aggravation and crap memories....
HAPPY SELF LOVE DAY TO ALL YOU Meet you on the other side .... The next day ... LOL

[googley]

(((((((Everyone))))))

I'm sorry you all also have a hard time with mother's day. But selfishly it helps to not feel so alone. To not feel like the only one who has a crazy abusive mother.

Trying-I like your idea of having a room on Mother's day for those of us who don't enjoy it. So that we can support each other. I'll get back to you after I go to T tomorrow. I'm sure she will have suggestions for me too.

I'm kind nervous about talking to her about my problems with mother's day because I know that she is a mom and I don't want to offend her. I'm sure it is a good day for a lot of people, her included, but I just hate it. But I don't want her to feel bad about mother's day. I don't know. This is all just so confusing.

I'm not even going to church (which I usually do) because I know they will make a big deal about it and I hate feeling left out and alone.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by googley

I'm kind nervous about talking to her about my problems with mother's day because I know that she is a mom and I don't want to offend her. I don't want her to feel bad about mother's day.

Googley, this is a boundary issue. You feel that there isn't a boundary between you and your T and that your issues are going to affect your T. There is a boundary there and your issues with Mother's Day will not affect your T. I'm sure that while you were growing up that there wasn't a boundary between yourself and your mother and this is why you feel this way. It is not healthy to have that lack of boundary between yourself and your mom. (And it was your mother's responsibility to have a healthy boundary). Enmeshed is the psychological term for this.

You will learn these things. I remember when I learned them.

[shezbut]

I have struggled with this day for many years...since I was about 16 years old??

As I have gotten older, Mother's Day become more and more difficult. Actually all holidays, when I think of it. But I abhor giving some phony, loving and appreciative card. I HATE it with a passion!! I don't feel love towards my mom.

I give a gift and very simple card. Then struggle with how I am going to get it to her. I don't want to go to her house ~ I don't want to see her ~ I don't want to talk with her. Every year, every holiday...I freaking dread it!

Shez

[googley]

I talked to my T about mother's day this week. Probably will continue talking about the abuse next week. But already stressed about tomorrow. Thanks for the support everyone.

[volatile]

it doesn't matter what I get her she still looks at me disappointed and complains about it. I appreciate her but she doesn't seem to appreciate me or anyone else. last year was bad. My father got her something really nice but when she opened it her face fell and she started throwing a guilt trip at him for getting her something she didn't want. I ended up telling her off. she's like that on her birthday, on anniversaries, Christmas. I hate buying her gifts.

[geez]

Out of curiosity, what have you learned from your Mothers? How do your children honor you?

[NuckingFutz]

I have learned that there are a lot of crappy mothers out there. This an old lesson. I think about the special women in my life while growing up and light a candle in their honor.

[googley]

*********Major Trigger Warning**********

Byz-
You want to know what I learned from my mother? I learned that I'm worthless and no one will ever love me. I learned that my needs don't matter and that I don't matter. I learned that if people love you they hurt you. And that no one really cares. And last but not least, that my mom wishes I would kill myself. And if even my mom can't love me, then who will ever be able to?

Now I've spent years and an inordinate amount of money trying to unlearn these lessons in T. Any other little lessons I've learned pale in comparison to the hurt she has caused. 22 years of abuse left these messages ingrained in a way that I don't even notice them when they come up. So no I don't have any good messages I learned from my mom. As I am assuming that is what you were fishing for. I don't have any kids and I don't plan on ever having any. So I can't answer that part of your question. But you asked, so you got the answer. I found your post discourteous given my request at the top of the thread. We do have real reasons to find mother's day hard!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

what have you learned from your Mothers?

Byz, this is so not the point and quite a trigger actually. It is dismissive of our experiences. It is like we talk and talk about our pain about this and you say "okay, how about focusing on what is good about your mother". This is so far from helpful.

[purple_fins]

hmmmmm ..... can't help but wonder if Byzantine was only trying to help others see a silver lining in this dark dark cloud of abusive mothering. (it can be possible to see a positive in some things negative.. though it may not reduce the sadness, it can give one inner strength to think of something positive-- IMO)

I understand it can seem invalidating if the person is callous and doesn't understand.....

but I've often done this VERY thing, for myself, that Byzantine has asked of those with past abuse-- think of something that can be positive from such a terrrible experience-- like for me, I was VERY aware that when my children fell and got injured or had the flu- I DID NOT blame them and punish them for being hurt or ill. That is something I learned. though it surely didn't help me in my plight, it did help that I learned from it and didn't allow such behavior to continue through the generations.

anyway-- I wish all inner peace.

fins

[googley]

Originally Posted by googley

If you are just going to tell me how wonderful mother's day is and how thankful for my mom I should be please just don't read this post.

Originally Posted by purple_fins

hmmmmm ..... can't help but wonder if Byzantine was only trying to help others see a silver lining in this dark dark cloud of abusive mothering.

However, I stated in my first post that I was asking those who felt they would need to put a positive spin on things to just not read the thread because I needed a place to express my pain without being told how great everything is. I have been told my whole life how i need to see the silver lining and the bright side of thing and how I needed to not make people upset. It wasn't great how I always had to be happy to try and keep bad things from happening.

[purple_fins]

Oh, I can see why the "positive" spin was upsetting to you Googley.

sorry I added to that.....
I surely didn't mean to invalidate your struggles.

I can certainly understand and relate to how devastating an abusive mother is to a child.

peace to you

fins

[meliboo]

I completely agree. Mother's Day is the hardest day of the year for me. I will not honor my mother - she abused me emotionally, mentally and physically...behind closed doors. It wasn't until 2 months ago that I realized she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They are impossible and if you know of one - RUNNNNN!!! If I get a call that she is dying I will not go, I will not go to her funeral either. I will see her buried in the graveyard unable to hurt me ever again.

I hate MOther's Day because it assumes that Mother's by the sheer fact they bore you, automatically deserve to be honored. This is so wrong on so many levels. It causes confusion for those of us who made the hard choice to not let an abuser back into our lives. I will not forgive her either. Abusers should not be forgiven. Never. Screw the idea that you need to forgive to have closure. My closure happened when I decided never to see her f'ing face again. I will always have anger towards her...and forgiving her will not help. It's impossible. The idea that forgiveness is more for you rather than the other person is ********. If one chooses to move on that is ok, but to expect me to ever forgive the person who brought me into the world only to abuse me - hell no. Throughout my day to day I don't operate on an angry level, but when I think about that horrible person who gave birth to me...I do. Which is why I slammed the freaking door in her face...metaphorically.

So for mother's day...I don't have kids, mainly because I don't think I am capable of raising them properly since this horrible person with Narcissistic Personality disorder gave me my tool shed so to speak...I think i will just drink some wine and make some art on Sunday...and be happy that I don't have to ever see her face again for the rest of my life. yep.