Drowning in my mom's apathy

I just can’t stop thinking about what my mom said to me today. While we were in the car, she just casually turns to me and asks "I never really understood how you got as fat as you did. What happened? Did someone SA you? I've just always wondered because it doesn't make sense that you got that fat without being abused”

I just… why on earth would she say that to me? Thankfully, I didn't experience any SA. But I’m 19 years old now. I've been seriously struggling with my weight since I was 13. If she thought someone was hurting me, why the hell would she wait until now to ask me? Why wouldn't she investigate that and protect me? This means that from when I was 13 to 18 years old, the thought “hmm I wonder if my daughter is being SA-ed by someone. Oh well, not important” must have crossed her mind. I could have been seriously abused over and over again for years and she never once cared enough to look into it because she was too concerned about my grades so I could go to a good college so she could brag to her co-workers about it. I really hope she’s happy about what school I went to when I’m 30 years old and never speak to her.

How the hell can she not care enough to 1) not investigate when she could have helped me and 2) be so insensitive to ask me that with less passion than telling me to clean my room. She either doesn't care about me at all, or she knows she abused me and my problems are her fault. Instead of changing herself and attempting to make amends with me, she hopes that there is someone else she can blame. I hate her for that. I want the beat the s*** out of her like how she did to me when I was seven. She was the one person in my life I was supposed to be able to count on for love and protection and she doesn't give a damn. All I am to her is a check on her bucket list.

I've been thinking about this all day and I can’t seem to get myself to stop s/hing over this. Why doesn't she love me? Why does she treat me like this? What did I do? Why does she love my sister and not me? Sometimes, I feel like my life cannot be saved and there is no point even trying to carry on.

Sadly there are no answers, unless she would be willing to be honest with you. you can talk to her about all you said here and don't expect anything; she sounds narcissistic, but at least you can get your feelings and thoughts out.

P.S. Your life can be saved.....by you. Don't let what others do stop you from living and doing what you want to. Are you in therapy? That would be a good start. Hugs

I'm sorry that she spoke so insensitively to you.

It is possible that the SA idea just occurred to her in the moment. It is possible that she did not get the idea at your age 13 and then just ignore that idea for five years.

What if you talked to her about it?

No, I can't talk to her about this. Last time I tried to talk to her, I told her that I thought I might be depressed and she told me that I'm such a pain that sometimes she regrets having me. I was hospitalized for SI, and she makes fun of me for it.

Yes, I am in therapy, but only during the school year. I get it through my school because it is free and my mom doesn't have to know about it. I can't get any therapy throughout the summer.

I can certainly see why it would be impossible to talk about it with her now.

Good job getting therapy through school!

What sort of support (if any) might you be able to get during the summer?

None unfortunately. I just have to stick it out in my parents' house. I hate it here. I'm always super on edge here.

It sounds like you are pretty isolated there too.

Maybe there are ways to help yourself during this time? For example, ways to better cope with or limit stress?

Yeah. I have a couple. I play music, write in a journal, draw, internet.... and do some destructive things. Luckily, I'm leaving this house for a month next week. That will be good.

Those sound really good to me (except the destructive ones). I am really glad that you can get out of there for a month. Maybe you can beforehand figure out specific ways to try to overcome the temptation to the destructive ones.

I've been trying, but it's not going too well.

I'm sorry to hear that. How much does being away reduce the felt need for it?

Um, quite a bit but not completely. I know I'll have to stop when I leave next week because I'll get sent home if someone catches me. It's a music program and that's part of the rules :/

I hope that you have fun there!

Me too. Thanks

I'm really sorry she was so hurtful. (((hugs)))