Physically abused as a child by my sibling.

As long as I can remember my brother has abused me. Physically and verbally. The verbal abuse consisted of him saying horrible things to me, about me, insulting me and pointing his finger in my face until I cried and could not stop. Then when I started crying he would make fun of me for that too. Insisting I was a weak crybaby.

But that wasn't the worst of it. The worst of it was the physical abuse he doled out to me repeatedly for years. He is four years older than me. Much bigger and stronger. I am a female. I was no match for his rage filled violence. He abused me quite often. A few times a week for years on end. The things he did caused such great physical and emotional pain to me. My parents knew what he was doing, but did not stop it or protect me.

I remember there were sometimes when he was beating me up and would have me pinned down in some sort of hold that I couldn't escape while he beat me. I would be fighting with all my might to no avail. I would be screaming and crying while he held me down. Sometimes my mom would walk by the room we were in and yell "STOP!" and walk away. When she yelled that he just laughed and continued abusing me. He never stopped. My mother and father never actually stepped in and physically stopped the abuse. They never protected me.

I developed depression, social anxiety, generalized anxiety, and zero self esteem and suicidal ideation at a VERY young age. I remember feeling these things about 5 and 6 years old. Those feelings have never left. They have been constant right up to today and I am now 33. (except for the suicidal ideation which did stop for a little while) The abuse finally ended in my late teens when my brother moved out of my parent's house. After he left, I was just glad that the abuse was over and chose not to think or dwell on it since it was no longer happening.

I wasn't thinking about the abuse at all but continued feeling depressed, worthless, anxiety riddled, no self esteem, and suicidal for years. I finally got on Zoloft a few years ago, which helped my depression to a certain degree. I was still depressed but it DID take away my suicidality and for that I was grateful.

Then, a few months ago I *snapped*. All of the sudden after not thinking about the abuse for years it came into my memory full force. A million thoughts of instances of abuse and a million different times my parents could have stopped it and protected me, but didn't. With these memories and thoughts came depression and anxiety that was worse than what I already had. I was already depressed but now I am sobbing uncontrollably all day every day. Reliving the abuse in my head and realizing my parents never thought I was worth protecting from harm. They never loved me enough to protect me. The suicidality has returned and it's strong.

My parents used to blame me for the abuse, telling me I shouldn't have made my brother mad. Let's face it, all kids make other kids mad and all siblings fight, but what he did to me was twisted and unacceptable. And MOST of the time I didn't even do anything to make him mad. He would just come in the rom I was in and start abusing me for fun. (Sometimes he would hold a pillow over my face suffocating me to the point where I was convinced I was about to die and then he would lift the pillow up, let me breathe and do it again.) Since this all came crashing back to me a few of months ago I have confronted my parents about it and they immediately quit speaking to me. Abandoning me in my worst time of need. This made my already severely declining mental health worse and the suicidality stronger. I finally got ahold of my mom about 3 months after I confronted her and I asked her to please just tell me the abuse wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it. She didn't reply. She didn't say one word. Later she told me "I don't remember any abuse. I thought you guys were playing."

She thought we were playing when I was screaming and crying? Give me a break. When the abuse first came back to my mind and I was thinking about it, the effects were devastating, but then confronting my parents about it so I could get better and maybe heal, only to have them reject me the way they did made it all the more devestating. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel worthless, unloveable, like I don't matter at all. The fact that they would rather deny his abuse (in order to protect him because they don't want anyone to know he's abusive) than admit to it to help me breaks my heart. They would rather cover up his abuse for him than help me when I'm feeling suicidal as all hell. What does that say about their love for me? Why is his abuse worth protecting more than me?

I even told my mom that I am suicidal over this and she still stopped speaking to me. It's like she would rather I die than speak about what happened. I'm not saying she wants me to die because I don't think she does. But I told her I needed to talk about it and was experiencing severe suicidal thoughts and wanting to die and talking about it may help and she chose to quit speaking to me. He still abuses to this day. Only now he abuses his girlfriends. So see, she doesn't want me to talk about his being abusive because she doesn't want anyone to know her precious son is a monster. So, instead of helping her daughter who is struggling with mental issues as a result of his abuse, she is helping her son hide his sick and twisted secrets. Instead of protecting her daughter from her son's abuse, she is protecting her son by keeping his abuse secret, denying it, and pretending it never happened.

I know I need professional help and I plan to get it as soon as I am able. But I needed to share this. I am broken hearted. I can't sleep. I was laying in bed in the dark replaying memories in my head and I can't make them stop. I was crying in the dark. My mind was playing the abuse like it was a reel on repeat. I couldn't sleep so I'm here. If you read all this, bless you, because it was way too long.

I'm so sorry you had to endure all that ...

I too suffered horrible abuses at the hands of my parents and older siblings.

I was 33 when I finally broke under the weight of it all, and I even made an attempt on my own life.

Thank goodness I failed!

All I can do is try to assure you that as painful as it is right now, it WILL get better.

Please don't take your life, if you do they will win.

Whatever you do DON'T give them that too.

Please do get professional help.

You quite possibly could have PTSD from what all you've been through.

I wish you the best in your journey towards healing and recovery.

Pfrog

Thank you pfrog. I, too, have wondered if I have ptsd, but don't know for sure since I haven't been diagnosed. I am sorry you were abused also. One thing my mother said to me when I brought the abuse up is, "Why are you doing this to me? Why now? When I'm 60 years old?" This infuriated me. I am supposed to care about her well being as a 60 year old adult, but she had no concern for letting me be abused as a young child? I think it is much worse for a child who's brain, psyche, self esteem, self worth, and personality are just developing to be severely abused then for a 60 year old who's brain is fully developed to talk about it. When she asked me I said "How could you do that to me as a 5 year old child? Let me be abused?" Again, silence.

I read somewhere that most people don't confront their childhood abuse until their 30's or 40's. So, we were right on schedule, Pfrog. I'm supposed to feel guilty for confronting my abuse at a normal age because she is 60 when she had no guilt for me being beaten as a child. And she still has no guilt cause she denies it. I am feeling all kinds of things. Devastation, depression, anxiety, fury, hate, hurt. I am so glad you feel a bit better nowadays, Pfrog. I hope I get there one day, too.

You will get there, SRM ... For now, though, allow that wounded child you are and were feel every bit of what you are feeling ... It's real and deserves to be honored so that you can heal.

Did you ever confront your family pfrog? If so, did they deny it or abandon you? I feel my family abandoned me because as soon as I tried to talk about it they quit speaking to me for months. This hurt so badly. If this happened to you how did you deal with it? I know therapy is probably number one answer but when you were alone, away from therapy? Was there anything that helped you deal with the abandonment and denial by your family? I didn't even want to fight with them. I asked my mom to go to therapy with me to talk about the abuse so I could get better. I was trying to help myself in a way that would be healthy for all involved and that is when she abandoned me. Like I said, I talked to her a few months after that and she denied it all. Making everything worse. Now we are back to not speaking. I just cannot stand the fact that talking about abuse is worse than the abuse itself in their eyes. I can't stand the fact that I mean so little to them.

I saddened by your post. Stay strong and move forward. Stop thinking about getting anything from your family as they have long forgotten you. I would abandon them. You are 33 now. Let them come to you, if at all. To help stop those "movies" from playing in your head you might consider redirecting the hurt and anger into a sport like self defense . It will build up your self esteem and confidence. My pain is different, and used the physically demanding aspects of my job to tone myself up and work out the emotional pains of my past. I symbolicly beat the crap out of my abusers through my job ( loading boxes, lifting and leveraging the heavy ones, walking the distances). Funny, people think I'm a great employee. Hope you get the T help soon. We are all here to help each other and hope to hear of your progress. Don't be like me and let those "movies" play and re-play until you are somewhere in your early 50's . okay???

I have so much to say because our experiences are so similar. But first,

My older brother physically (and verbally/mentally) abused me for many years as well. Because I didn't recognize what he did as abuse, I was completely messed up for a big chunk of my life, not understanding my strange behavior and feelings or the reasons behind it. I thought I was a messed-up freak.

Sibling abuse is just as valid as other forms of child abuse. It sets up a situation where the violence is completely unpredictable; it can come at any time. When parents are checked out of their responsibility, it leaves a situation where both the abuser and the victim know that no one is going to step in. We both deserved to have someone stop the abuse before it did the kind of damage that it has done.

It's understandable that your self-destructive impulses have returned. When a child is not protected, they make the only assumption they can make: they are not worth protecting. Facing the abuse brings back all those old feelings--but those feelings are not accurate. You WERE worth protecting, and it's a weakness of your parents that they lacked the strength to step in. I've had trouble with self-injury, but I've learned to notice the feelings behind it--so much shame and rage. Our brothers expressed their emotions violently on us--no wonder we want to do the same. But you deserve compassion and kindness, not self-destruction.

I tried to confront my mother in the early days of my treatment. Like your mom, she said that she didn't think it was bad, at the time. She didn't deny that he was violent--just said that she thought I coped okay. She also cried a lot and asked what I expected of her. I stopped communicating about the abuse at that point--she was making it about HER again. I am getting a lot of what I needed her to say from my therapist.

I don't know if any of this made sense...I just want you to know that you are NOT ALONE in dealing with the repercussions of sibling abuse.

I did read all this. I am so sorry. You did not deserve it. I dont care how mad he was; you did not deserve it. no one has a right to do this to someone, esp for fun! This was wrong. I believe your mother did not want to face it. It took a lot of courage for you to face it! Good for you. You are the one to be commended! It takes a lot for us to step forward and face what others do to us and to break that silence!

My own abuser said she did not remember anything happening to me and now I don't care! That was her reality and not mine! My reality was that something bad happened, I survived, I now am learning how to live with it and move on and letting go of her. She chose to take to her grave her own denial. She truly believed she did nothing wrong or did not allow other bad th ings to happen to me. I choose to face it, deal with it, and become a survivor.

So good on you!

I am so sorry though. this hurts, I know.

Carol

Thank you, EVERYONE, for your kind words. They really mean a lot to me. They really do.

jan16, Yes, I sometimes think that abandoning my family is what I should do and what they deserve. They just make me angry and hurt. I haven't completely abandoned them YET, but I now very rarely see them or talk to them, because their response to me has hurt me so bad. The only time I see them is when my grandmother who lives out of state comes to visit and I go to see her and my family happens to be there. That's it, but I have talked to my mom on the phone a few times. She called me and acted like nothing was wrong and nothing had ever happened. I was just like "WTF? This is unbelievable that this woman is talking to me like all is normal and well, when I have TOLD her that the abuse destroyed me mentally and I want to die." I didn't say that to her, but it's what I kept thinking. I was afraid to say what I wanted to. I don't know why. Maybe it was because the first time I confronted her and she abandoned me, it hurt so much that I am afraid it will happen again and don't feel I can handle it again. That's probably why I haven't completely abandoned them yet totally. Something about their rejection of me just hurt so bad that it has made me terrified of losing them, but you know what? I DON'T NEED or DESERVE that kind of treatment. It's funny that you say that cause lately I have been thinking "BLEEP them! I don't ever want to see them again!" This is how I feel lately. I just haven't communicated that to anyone. I'm not very physically active, but I am taking in your advice to let out my frustrations that way. Maybe I need that. Thank you.

Skeksi, . Everything you said makes complete sense! Are you still able to carry on a relationship with your mother? Since you're getting what you need from your therapist? I know I need therapy for sure. I hope to be able to get in therapy soon. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. Do you have a relationship with your brother nowadays? I quit speaking to my brother shortly after all this crap came back into my mind.

BrokenNBeautiful, thank you for your kind words. You're right. I didn't deserve it and no one does. Sometimes he was really angry when he would beat me up and other times he was having fun laughing and smiling while he hurt me. I don't know if this makes him a sociopath or a sadist or what, but he seemed to revel in my pain a lot of the time. It's scary! I can't stand his disgusting self! You're right, I am doing the right thing. I am actually the only one in our immediate family who has the balls to confront the abuse. Everyone else keeps quiet and insists on pretending it didn't happen, as if that will make it go away. Well, it won't since he continues to abuse others to this day.

Thanks again to all of you for your kind words and for caring enough to respond to me. for all of you.

Are you sure this is abuse and not just normal sibling rivalry? My sister and I did all that and more to each other, as did all of my friends with siblings and the siblings I look after at work. Yeah some of the beatings were pretty extreme (including being pushed down stairs, the pillow thing, verbally abuse, broken bones etc.) But to me this is all normal and part of growing up in a family?

When you are mentally ill sometimes you see things in a skewed way, your memories might be different to that of your family and you might be reacting to things in a way that is highly sensitive. Please keep this in mind before you cut off ties with your family. Their experience was different to yours and they may not understand why you are getting so worked up.

I hope you can get some therapy to help you with your issues.

And with that. I'm out of here. Thank you all. Goodbye.

You were abused, period. It wasn't 'just' child's play.

I am so sorry.

I recommend (along with therapy) The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans; it saved my life.

Thank you. I don't get TOO upset over what people say on a message board, but the comment about this being normal sibling behavior did transport me back to my parents denial of it and telling me it didn't happen or we were "playing." Seriously? So, now that my brother continues to do the same things he did to me to his girlfriends, I suppose that is just "Significant Other Rivalry". Please. That sicko has been abusive his whole life and he started with me and over the years perfected his disgusting craft on me. Now his girlfriends pay the price.

He doesn't have multiple girlfriends at once. But he was married for awhile and abused his wife. She left him because of the abuse and he has had a string of girlfriends since the divorce that he also abused. None ever pressed charges. I wish they would. I wish I could for the damage that has been inflicted on me that has effed up my life and still does to this day. If the children you are watching at work are doing this to each other they are abusive. I know siblings fight. Perhaps even physically. I remember my sister and I fighting and even getting physical a few times. I have never and will never accuse her of abuse, because it was never severe and it was not chronic. I know the difference between sibling rivalry and abuse. I know because I have experienced both. Sibling rivalry with my sister and abuse with my brother.

nicoleflynn, I will look for that book. The things he said to me repeatedly really shaped the way I think, feel, and believe. Thank you.

Wish for you to heal & have the life you deserve.

Keep posting, so sorry you were/are triggered in this thread.

My thoughts are with you.

that certainly sounds horrible. and yeah...that doesn't sound like "normal" sibling rivalry. I have two little boys, and they fight sometimes, and sometimes they get angry and physically aggressive with each other, but I don't allow it. I always step in when it gets physical. I step in when they make fun of each other and it brings the other to tears. Being mean to each other may be normal...but being abusive is not.

I'm so sorry you endured that. I hope that you can get some help to resolve some of this stuff.

I wasn't physically abused, but sexually abused and neglected and emotionally abused...and now in my mid-30's I'm finally getting to work on it.

Gosh, you guys are so sweet! Thank you so much! It is nice to have people who understand and also believe me. Actually, it is a relief! Thank you, kindachaotic!

pinkbutterfly, thank you so much for stepping in when your children are fighting. I know that children will do these things, but it really is up to the parents to stop it and teach them right from wrong. It sounds like you are doing a great job. I am sorry for what you went through. That has to be awful!

pfrog! Hugs to you and no worries about the amount of time it takes to respond. I know how that is. It's hard to keep up with all the posts anyway. No problem, the fact that you commented to me at all means a lot. I am still unsure of how things are gonna go with my family. If we will heal and talk about things or if they will continue to deny it. I do not want to lose my family completely, but if they really love me so little that they will deny what they witnessed with their own eyes it will have to come down to that. I will have to walk away like you did. I don't believe I have the guts to do that just yet, but as I told someone else I have already been thinking and feeling like doing that. I am sure if it gets any worse the straw will break the camel's back and I will do it. We have to do what we have to do.

Thank you all for your kind words.

I do have a relationship with my mom, but it's kind of troubled, since I am not honest with her. She has no idea about the PTSD or the feelings I still have about the abuse and her role in allowing it. I tried to confront her once and it blew up in my face, and I don't think it's worth the risk to try again. We get together about once a month and I think she'd say we're close. I feel the stress of lying by omission, though, so I feel unhappy with the relationship a lot.

Not really. I see him 2-3 holidays a year because trying to get out of them would be difficult to explain without exploding the whole situation. Those times are pretty upsetting for me, though I've learned how to bounce back from them faster.

I think my T believes that if I were honest with my family, we could resolve some of this and I would feel better. I worry that talking about it would exile me from the family, so T doesn't push me on it. I don't think having a family that knew how hurt I was would necessarily improve my situation.

Skeksi, I relate to the way you are dealing with your family so much.

StarkRavingMad,

I could have written your original post, it was so much like my life, it was kinda spooky. I also had the abusive brother, four years older. He also acted like a sadist, pinned me down, and was severely physically and emotionally abusive from the time I can remember through HS & some when I was in college. I also recall being suicidal in 3rd grade, anxiety in school, depression later on, etc.

I laughed at your comment about realizing abuse in your 30s/40s. My "snap" point happened the summer after freshman year in college and by that fall, I'd completely unraveled with the deep realization that my parents had failed me. I've achieved a LOT of healing since then (I'm late 30s now), but still dealing with a lot of it. It still feels like a dark cloud, though it's not as menacing as it was in college.

I am writing because I was struck by your mom's denial. I went through that too. My parents were kind of dumbstruck in the beginning because they didn't know how to react to my accusations. Initially, they didn't deny what happened, but it was obvious they had no understanding of what had occurred or how it had affected me. They weren't getting it, but they were sad that I was suffering with the flashbacks.

For a few years, I distanced myself. We still had a good relationship on the surface, but we weren't as close, and I was deeply hurt by their failures in the past, and their inability to "get" why it had impacted me so much -- and sometimes I said some hurtful things to them. What I realized finally was that for them to admit and really understand what happened to me would be to admit that they had been total failures as parents -- that is a REALLY hard thing for a parent to do.

They did ask for forgiveness within that first year, and while I appreciated it because I knew they meant it, I also knew that they only meant it as much as they could understand it, which wasn't very much. I knew they would never fully understand what they did, and I had to learn to accept that as something I couldn't change. After a while it became clear that throwing it in their face wasn't helping them to understand, it was just hurtful on my part. That inability to fully understand is their own self-protection, and I would probably do the same thing if I were in their shoes. It took me several years to forgive them and mean it, but I did get there, and today, our relationship is really great. They are truly my best friends.

The conclusions I came to, after a few years of therapy were:

-- They did the best they knew how in their own limited capacity as parents. Mom grew up with brothers and thought our issues were sibling rivalry, not abuse. She misjudged our situation. She was the oldest, so her rivalry was probably more tame in comparison. Dad was the classic physically present/emotionally absent father, just disengaged, selfish, workaholic, not patient to deal with screaming kids. This doesn't excuse their failures, but it does shed light that they were imperfect parents. And they have become much better parents as they have aged! And now that I know more about their parents, I have more grace for them (Mom had an alcoholic dad, Dad had an overbearing mom and emotionally absent father).

-- They didn't mean me any harm, and I know that if they had really understood what was happening they would have done more. Yes, they should have been more aware, and they should have done better.

-- They will probably never understand what I went through, and that's due to their self-protection. While I wish that were different, I also can accept it for what it is. And they have apologized several times since that first year and their understanding has deepened beyond what I saw initially.

All that to say, I urge you to get into therapy, and as best you can, give your parents some space (and grace), and some time to process what you have told them. It's possible your mom is completely reeling from your accusation and is just shutting down because she doesn't know how to respond. She may be thinking, "oh my god, what have I done, and now my child is suicidal, it's all my fault..." I am not saying let her off the hook, and I am not saying she's innocent, but I am saying don't cut off the relationship right now because she didn't respond well initially. You both need time to process and gain perspective and healing. And you need to give her time to acknowledge, ask forgiveness, understand what you went through to whatever depth she is able, etc., but that will probably take a while for her to get there.

I'd discuss the following with your therapist, but one option might be to tell your mom that you love her, but you are dealing with a lot of hurt feelings from childhood, both toward her and your brother, and that you are going to distance yourself for a while to work on them. You are not cutting her off, but you may not see/talk to her as frequently, and that's why. That way, you are being honest, you are letting her know why, and you are showing her that for you, it's serious. Later on you may want to do a session with your mom and therapist. I did that, and while in some was it was disappointing, in some ways it was very helpful. I needed that time to "say my peace."

But I urge you not to cut your parents off prematurely. I hope this helps... I offer it as one who has walked this road. All the best to you.

I too had an older brother who abused me. He was constantly touching me inappropriately and giggling like a little creep. He is 7 yrs older. My memory tells me it began around age 5-6. He would always seem to be around. We have a large family and our house growing up had no interior doors except on the only bathroom. I couldn't sleep I couldn't dress I couldn't do anything without the fear of him watching and I was right. Sometimes I would wake up to him touching me or him giggling that sadist laugh because he had done something that I didn't know about and he "got away with it". I was naive and was scared he had done something that a husband would considered spoiled but I didn't know what all that really meant and was too embarrassed to ask. When it first started I told my mother repeatedly that he was "bothering me" and touching me. Please make him stop. Now that I'm older I realize that he was older and therefore more deceptively cunning. He had already laid the groundwork that I was a cry baby and a liar to my mother. She basically told me to stop whining and get back in the house and stop telling stories because no one was doing anything to me. After that it just got worse... more frequency and more daring. I never told my dad. Two reasons: my mom would just say I was making up stories and if by the grace of god he did believe me I was convinced he would beat me or my brother to death. I was like a lamb to slaughter. I hated going to bed. I hated his face especially his eyes always watching me and his stupid giggle at his inside jokes! He tried to full out rape me but I fought him and he was inexperienced. I believe he was overly excited and was fulfilled by the try.
Finally he started dating and then left home. Soon as i could i left the state! i suppressed these memories until my mid 30's when I had children of my own and the memories came back like a raging river. It must have been my trying to cope with how I felt so protective of my baby girl and how I was not protected. Also right after this time I found out that my brother was sentenced for child molestation of a retarded underage girl in his neighborhood. He was living with a woman (stripper hooker heroin junkie) and he was using too but that didnt stop him from still preying on the helpless young. My problem is that I had finally come to terms with all of this and then found out that he had done my younger brother as he had done me I think he actually succeeded with him where he failed with me. Now 30 yrs have passed and our father has been very ill in and out of the hospital and very old as is our mother. It's so overwhelming. Like I'm 5 or 6 again.

Wow, I'm so sorry to all of you. I hate these stories. They make me so angry at the abusers and parents, but you know, I also like that we share our stories and are not alone. It's good that we can talk about it and also know that other people have been in the same situations and they weren't protected either. It helps me realize that I DESERVED to be protected, because I believe all of you deserved to be protected. Hearing your stories and recognizing that you all should have been protected helps me see my own situation from the outside looking in. I am like you guys, I should have been protected too. I think for most of my life I thought it was just the way it was and maybe I wasn't worth protecting, but I know now I was. We all were and should have been.

Please keep sharing your stories here if you think it will help. I have been doing pretty well lately until today I sort of had a down swing. All of the sudden feeling depressed and anxious and thinking about my family a lot again.

McKinley, thank you for sharing your story and perspective with me. I can appreciate your perspective and take it into consideration. I will keep it in mind. I think it's a pretty reasonable way to look at things. I hope we can heal somewhat and even have a somewhat decent relationship some day, but I keep getting furious everytime I have a flashback, so it won't be anytime soon. But like you say, keep a distance and maybe one day we will be able to get past it. Thank you so much.

2sensitive4owngood,
Your story breaks my heart! I cannot even imagine! Thank you for sharing here. Are you in therapy? I hope so. If not, please try to get in soon. I, myself am still not in therapy, but plan on it. I think your little brother probably needs therapy too. I am so sorry you were hurt and not protected.

Stark, add me to the list that can relate. One of my older brothers made my life hell and for much of my childhood avoiding his violence made me avoid going home, opting instead to hang out with other kids (sadly this left me vulnerable to sexual abuse by them but that's another story). His violence caused me to run away on more than one occasion. My parents tried to control him but they couldn't.

You are not alone.

Cyrano

Cyrano, me too, my older brother abused and terrorized me too. He was a challenge my parents struggled with and constantly argued about. I have experienced many flashbacks from this time in my life, both visual flashbacks and emotional ones.