In very bad place right now

Sorry for how long this is but if someone could help I'd really appreciate it.

I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I used to have such low self-esteem that I thought no one would ever be interested in me. Then I met my ex. I don't really know if what they did to me counts as abuse but it's left me really disturbed and scarred. (I think I only went out with them because I was so low and vulnerable, I never felt safe with them.)

After dating awhile (things were good at first) it gradually became apparent that my ex had a fetish that really repulsed me a lot. They hid it at first and then it got worse and worse. Not wanting to be judgmental I decided to try and be as accepting as possible (also so my ex wouldn't break up with me). I pretended like I thought it was okay, while said ex got creepier and creepier, they were my nightmare but I couldn't imagine I had the option of leaving them. They wanted me to keep my weight (I'd been trying really really hard to get in shape), wanted to gain weight theirself. Food and fat turned them on and they were developing some really unhealthy eating habits. When I finally broke up with them they were furious. We were long-distance at the time so a lot of our discussion about it exists in chat logs, that I think my ex must have saved. (They have really creepy stalker kind of tendencies that also worry me a lot, they'd tell me that they were saving emails or whatever). And they still write to me sometimes trying to get back into my life.

Even though it's nearly a year since I broke things off, I constantly feel so guilty and ashamed. The same kind of constant shame feeling i got after my childhood abuse, where I feel I have no right to exist. it's almost constant. Often I feel so disgusted with myself that I end up self-harming or starving myself. And the fact that my somewhat unhinged ex still has those chat logs haunts me horribly. If anyone ever found out I would probably die of shame, that's not even an exaggeration. How can I forgive myself for this (and can I really? cause I'm so disgusted I can't imagine forgiving myself) and move on? It's wrecking me.

Now I feel extremely guilty over even posting this. I just want to hurt myself. I hate myself so much. I'm gross, awkward, not fit for life.

Edit: I feel like since so many people viewed this without replying to it I'm probably not going to find help. If not here then probably never bc I don't want to talk about it out loud with anybody. I'm sorry I shared something so embarrassing.

Welcome.

Just to answer your replies further in this thread - don't be turned off by the amount of "views" you get. Lots of people don't have accounts so they can read posts without replying. Also lots of members might not be able to figure out a good way to be helpful or supportive so they don't reply.

It is scary though when you put your story out there and nobody replies to it!

First things first. It was not your fault. It would not ever possibly be your fault. Did you ever seek support for your childhood sexual abuse? Therapy, a support group, friends, family members?

I'm sorry about your experiences with your ex. I'm glad that you had the courage to do something good for YOU and broke it off. That takes a lot of courage.

I understand your thoughts. I understand your feelings of shame and other feelings like that. But they're not yours. It was something done TO you, but it doesn't mean that the feelings and thoughts are valid or true. They just feel true a lot of the time.

I don't think your ex would do something like that to frame you or try to manipulate you. You say it's been a year, have they tried to contact you since then? They may have kept them, they may not. But you will find a way to deal with them if they ever come up. But they likely won't, so try not to worry a lot.

Seek out therapy. A support group for survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us here. Talk to people offline. Find a support network. But I do really recommend a good therapist, since that is usually pretty helpful. There are also a lot of books and resources out there, but they may be more triggering than helpful depending on where you're at emotionally. (I learned that one the hard way!)

Sorry for writing a novel, but I saw your post and knew it really did need a reply sooner rather than later!

I'm not good at giving advice for things like this but I'm sorry you went through it. I would encourage you to keep talking about it to someone (on PC or off) because talking through the trials we have endured help us.

I'm sorry you feel like you shouldn't have posted. This section tends to be a bit quiet.

I think it might help to talk to a counsellor or therapist, would you consider that? And I think it's really important to attribute the guilt and shame to the people those feelings actually belong to. Because none of that shame is yours! It's theirs!

Don't feel bad or embarrassed (I've felt that way too about posting). You did nothing wrong. You're a survivor! You can be proud that you separated from someone who was keeping you down. YOU know who you are inside and that is what you need to hold onto. You're a good person and can slowly get your life back on track again. Be patient with yourself. Call a T for help. You can send me a PM if you like. We all don't have the same experience here but it seems like we've all been wounded somehow.

PS: I don't generally look at this thread or many others on PC. I kind of gravitate to one or two and that's my limit. Maybe other people do that too. Look around at other threads because there is a lot of overlapping and related feelings here.