[Phoenixashes8356]

Hi, I just want to know whether the things I have listed are abuse or if they are just me being a weirdo.


It's really long but I would really appreciate if you would read it. Even parts just to let me know I'm not crazy. Here are some of the things that I have noticed about my mother and her behavior:

She tries to cuddle when I don’t want to. Nothing sexual, but I’m just not touchy-feely and she wants me to be more touchy-feely. She says things like “I need my kids to reciprocate my love and affection” and then smiles and walks off. I don’t really know what to make of it.

She tries to make me girlier by saying that I should be girlier and that eventually I will come around and that she will be so excited when I finally wear skirts and heels. She tries to control the way I look too. Even though I am 20 years old she gives me a disapproving tone whenever I bring up getting a nose piercing. I feel like a child around her which I asked her if I could get one. She also won’t let me get a different hairstyle because she really likes my hair long. I’ve actually said that I want my hair shorter and that I do not really care about my hair being long anymore. She thinks that God wants my hair to be long, which is one reason why she makes me keep it long.

My mom doesn’t want to take the bus, though I am not completely sure why. She would rather drive me.

She wants to know lots of detail when I go out. Details like where I’m going, how long I will be out, their name, gender, etc.

My mom doesn’t want me to walk to certain places, even if it’s dusky outside. Once, she didn’t want me to go less than ½ a mile even though it had just started to get dark. Also connected to this, for a while she didn’t want me to walk to the Library (which is less than five minutes away). Or if I did, she wanted me to text her when I left and when I got back to the apartment if she wasn’t there.

She tries to make me talk. As a side note, I have taken the Meyer Briggs test and I am an introvert through and through, so talking isn’t one of my main hobbies. But I try to be talkative for my mom. Anyways, she always talks in the car even though I have told her that I would prefer silence. I usually listen to my headphones in the car, and once I told her that I would prefer silence in the car. She said that she likes to talk to me in the car and her tone implied that I should want to talk too. Now, I understand talking is good. I just wish that she would understand that I need silence too. Whenever I would try to explain why I want silence she would say things like, “I’m your mom, we should talk”. I think this could have settled if she understood that sometimes I just need silence. Once, I asked for some silence in the car. She didn’t understand why even though I told her I was an introvert. Eventually, she agreed on five minutes, but she wasn’t happy about it and that made me feel guilty. After exactly five minutes of silence, she said something like, “Your five minutes are up,” and then kept talking.

Usually in all these situations I either end up giving in or shutting down. I’ve tried talking to her about some of her behavior and how I need to do more things, but she didn’t really hear me and said that some of her behavior was because she loved me. So it makes me feel like I just have to accept it. And some people have told me to just do those things, but I’m really afraid of letting her down or hearing her tell me how bad of an idea it is or how dangerous it is. And sometimes her tone just makes me feel like crap. Like I need to listen to her to make better decisions. It’s really hard for me to trust myself as well so you guys’ input would be helpful. Is this abuse? Or am I missing something and just need to work harder on our relationship?

Hey there, welcome to PC!

Hm, that sounds like an awful situation to be in with your mother. It doesn't sound like abuse to me, but it does sound like your mother is controlling and ovrbearing and if she does t watch what she's doing, it could eventually become abuse.

Perhaps you can write your mother a formal letter explaining the behaviors that she has that you would want changed because of the way they make you feel? Otherwise it may help to sit your mother down and talk one to one with no distractions around.

I hope it helps! Take care!

[nicoleflynn]

Boundaries are necessary in life, and your mom doesn't have them, so you will have to learn them. An excellent book is Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. She is controlling you and is NOT a relationship. you might also want to consider therapy to help you.