Finally Got Mad

For literally YEARS, I have been working with T trying to express anger at my abuser. Monday, I finally did. My fears of losing control and acting abusively did not happen. That's a relief. It felt really good in the moment, like I was standing up for myself. I said I had a right to be mad and I meant it.

Since then....ugh. I keep thinking, How dare I say that?" and "I am a bad person for saying such nasty things." It's the old training that I don't have the right to express angry feelings, to even feel angry at being abused. I am basically freaking out about everything I said, which is probably a very predictable response to breaking my silence. But, ugh, it feels awful and I feel ashamed and guilty even though intellectually I know I did nothing wrong.

I called T and got an appointment Friday morning; I've never called for an extra appointment without him offering it. That's something else to be embarrassed about.

Good for you ((skeksi)) in expressing your anger in a safe constructive way. Its very normal for you to second guess yourself since you're not used to giving yourself the freedom. You weren't taught, its your right to feel emotions. Your T probably anticipated you may have doubts and increased feelings from that session...so don't feel embarrassed. I think its an important part of healing and getting in touch with the right to feel this emotion.

When my kids were toddlers and they had a tantrum - I would just let them have it and after they calmed down, we would talk about it...unless it was at a shopping mall lol. Children need to feel emotions so they can learn to control them.

I disagree; something else to be thankful for, sounds like you have a great T! I hope he can help you feel better tomorrow

Hi Skeksi,
Ahh,wonderful! I bow to your courage.
I know how much courage this took,I've done it
myself, annddd felt the sick guilt afterwords just
like you--only I diagnosed it at first as 'depression'.
BUT, the cavalry are here!!!
What it is,is,this is
exactly how you would have felt when you received the disapproval you no doubt got from
your parents! It is the 'auditory imprint' from THEM,buried so deep in the psyche that you think
it is YOU! Not so,not bloody so,it doesn't even
belong to you,it belongs to THEM!
I am so happy
for you,doesn't it feel great standing up for yourself? A victim no bloody more! Good on you,
I wish you more power in the future---excellent.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

I think you should be proud that you are doing good self-care by getting an extra session.

I know what you mean about the paranoid backtrack. You just have to take it a little at a time.

You sound like my T! In the very best way. Thank you for reaffirming the normalcy of this process.

Good point, Perna! I am lucky that he has been willing to go my (snail's) pace with this.

This is so true, Bluedove, and I am tearing up realizing it. Nobody who loved and cared about my well-being would address my anger this way. T has respect and care and says things like, "Of course you're angry, anyone would be" and "You're not hurting anyone with your anger." I learned to take on T's caring voice when I am scared, I bet I could do it when I'm angry, too.

Thanks, tinyrabbit. You're right. This is a very emotional time for me and it's okay to get extra help. A small part of me worried T will be put out, but I know he had an open slot and he wouldn't have offered it if it wasn't willing to give it. I have to trust him on that.

Congratulations. Breaking the silence is the hardest part.

Just remember: the voice that says you shouldn't talk? It's not yours, and it's wrong.

I wrote this down in my journal. Thank you