[AlwaysCurious]

I'm 26 years old now. I was raised by my grandparents, who thwarted nearly every attempt I made in gaining autonomy. When I was 14, my grandmother pulled me out of high school, admittedly because she didn't like the people I "could be talking to" there. And I actually liked school for once. I was picked on in elementary and middle school and was finally starting to find a clique I could connect with. She told people she was homeschooling me, which was a total lie.

My best friend from kindergarten lived right down the street, maybe 2-3 blocks away and we may have seen each other outside of school twice before I turned 18. My grandmother didn't "like" her or anyone else I managed to make friends with.

I was 17 before I was ever left home alone. I was being babysat by my great grandmother at 16-17ish. I didn't have "rights" because I was a "damn kid." I was forced to stay in the same room with my grandparents as punishment, that and getting hit (which was never "hitting," but "spanking," even when it was in the face) because there really was nothing to ground me from. They would take my TV and door off my room when feeling creative tho.

I could go on, but it's frustrating and tiresome. I'm just beginning to realize the impact this made in my adult life. I still question deep down if I was really abused or if I was just a big baby.

Even tho I can see all this for what is was intellectually, I guess emotionally I feel like I haven't even opened up the book. Obviously therapy would be ideal, but I'm barely getting by as it is. Where do I go from here?

[nicoleflynn]

Yes, therapy would be a big help. You wern't aren't being a "baby." Getting hit is physical abuse and being controlled is emotional abuse.

The book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

[tinyrabbit]

Therapy sounds like a really good plan. I'm sorry you endured all this - it certainly sounds abusive to me.

[AlwaysCurious]

As embarrassing as this is to put out here, right now therapy isn't an option. At least right this moment, but admittedly I've not looked into what the state or community organizations may help with.

I was about 9-10 and I really don't think I was actually "playing with myself" as my grandmother put it. I could've been, but that's something I consider only mildly embarrassing compared to my reaction to her disgust. I remember sobbing, making myself sick, asking her if she still loved me...

I want to go back in time and throw myself threw a window for giving a ****.

Thank you for your replies. Having my abuse validated as such makes me feel a lot lighter.