Should I?

I have recently posted in this section, the thread was 'Please help... Is this sexual assualt'. I now want to talk to the guy, who did it, not really about that about other things that went on between them and why he did them, ect... However my boyfriend disagrees and thinks it is a completely bad idea and I should leave it longer, though I think it could help and I need it as closure and also I think if I left it longer and he said something to hurt me I would just have much further to fall to get back to recovering.... What should I do?

Imo I don't think you should talk to this guy, because he'll have his side to the story and probably won't admit wrong doing. We can't predict how we hope a conversation will go and this may end up upsetting you further. If he doesn't agree he was wrong then you won't get an apology. If he gets the impression you're saying its SA, he'll panic and try to deny it because he might worry the police will get involved. Sorry this happened and you're torn about it.

Realize -- by defining closure as dependent on his response or talking to him about it, you may never receive closure. He may deny it. My husband flat out denies that anything he did was wrong -- yet he got me drunk and raped me many times. I have to find closure another way (I left him...so that's a start).
I'm trying to find a way to find closure without an apology or a confession of the wrongdoing. It seems like it would be so much easier to move on if they would apologize. Most often, they won't.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!

I don't think this is a good idea. It is highly unlikely that his responses could be helpful to you.

Lynn, I know he won't say sorry, I don't even think that's what I want. I just want some kind of answer, of what I did wrong? Why he did it to me? Why he only called me when he wanted a sexual favor. I just need answers, I know I'm probably searching for answers that aren't there but I don't know...

Pinkbutterfly, I am also trying to find closure without an apology, I just need some sort of an answer. No matter how harsh, anything would help. I'm so sorry for what you have been through, I hope you can find closure, I'm here if you need somebody to talk to. PM me if you want.

Tinyrabbit, I know what you mean. But I feel like I just need some sort of an answer, I'm just tourtring myself with so many different explanations...

Thank you all for replying

I think a letter of "restorative justice" would be good. Restorative justice says...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. It is a way to take your power back. RARELY will an abuser admit his wrongdoing. This is about YOU and not him. With a letter, he can't deny interrupt etc.

So, if you do it, don't expect a word of remorse....sadly, they don't have any....or he would have apologized and talked to you about it. Restorative justice is vastly empowering to anyone who was ever abused.

Nicole, thank you so much for replying. I don't expect any kind of remorse, maybe just want to vent and ask some questions... So what you have suggested sounds like an option. Thank you again

If I saw my abuser I would probably try to kill him, but he must be in his 90's by now. I also know that in many of these perps twisted minds they don't even know they did anything wrong. I hope you can start to feel better.

Few things you should know about the rapists -

1. He hates women.
2. He is a violent person who uses sexual assault as a tool of violence - no different from person who uses a knife or gun to kill.
3. He doesn't have morals.
4. His brain is wired different from non criminals.

You are going to meet him to ask him why he did it. Somewhere down to line you think you will get some sane response to it. YOU WILL NOT. He would, infact, hate you because according to the psycho "you are the reason he's in jail". You want to know why he did it. He would say "you were dressed like that....and you were asking for it".......in his head, he may genuinely believe that to be the reason!

You want to meet him to have a rational discussion about the assault. But, you can have a rational discussion only with people who are rational. He is NOT rational.

You are looking for a closure to the assault. He may give you new set of problems. He may blame you. He may threaten you. WHY? COZ he is a violent criminal.

Dear, I'm sorry you faced sexual assault. The only thing you need now is therapy. And your loved ones. You are very lucky that you have a boyfriend to support you emotionally now (i hope he is). Just hang on to all the love you get. Second, join some sort of self defense classes....because they make you feel very powerful....you'd feel like you can control the situation if it happens again.

Third, mind has it's own way to heal. Don't suppress any thoughts....coz your mind sort of knows to heal itself. I've read that survivors of sex assaults tend to read and watch about rape. It's only mind's way of controlling the situation. You may rethink the scenario again and again in your head. Allow your mind to do that.

Let time heal you. Nothing will come out of talking to him. Throw him out of your mind, the way you surgically remove cancer. He is NOTHING MORE than a CANCER to the society.

Hun.....STOP LOOKING FOR ANSWERS HOW YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT....BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR RAPE.

Rapist pick the most accessible women, rapists are excellent liars to get what they want. Above all, he will give you no reason!!

Just correct your thinking. You cannot get answers as to "what you did to deserve it"....coz you did NOTHING to invite sexual assault. Bitter truth....your perpetrator saw you as naive and accessible to commit this crime. Again, he was not looking for a sexual favor. Rape is NOT about sex....it's about gaining power. Men who rape women, hate women (no matter what they might appear as), and use forceful sex as a violent tool to gain power over them. Dear.....he's a psycho.....treat him that way. He doesn't deserve any more of your attention. Expecting him to give some explanation as to why he did what he did, is humanizing him way more than he deserves. He's a criminal....nothing more, nothing less. Most rapist subconsciously plan before they rape. A rapist sets from his home with the idea of raping. Madness takes over them and they subconsciously choose their victim to commit the crime. Someone they can lure into their trap....either with force or with stories.

If you want to do anything, please do search "mind of rapist crime safety security" and you may find EXACTLY what you want....except from researchers......and trust me, reading it will bring pain, but may make you stronger and wiser.

Eerily, all rapists and molesters are the SAME throughout the WORLD. What is said in different websites holds TRUE wherever you go....even Antarctica!

Tooshy, thank you for replying. I hope you have healed now, and continue to.

Thank you for replying Copywriter1... I wasn't raped. I don't even really believe he sexually assaulted me.. It's all so confusing and is messing with my head. He isn't a monster, he's not a bad person. He isn't. Basically two years ago when I was in really bad place (self harming, attempts at suicide, ect) he came along and used me for sexual favours. That was all he wanted from me and at such a vulnerable time I let him cause I needed any kind of sick love. And then he kept asking for oral and I said not while he had a girlfriend. The day came and I didn't want to but said I would, basically he had a hand on my head and the other on his penis and after I tried to move my head away a few times. He put his penis in my mouth, but only for a minute and not fully. And I didn't feel scared. I just felt cheap, and I went home and told my friend an they said it was sexual assault but I didn't say no. So he didn't do anything wrong. He might not of known what he was doing was wrong. I don't know. I just know he isn't a monster, because I miss him and if he was that wouldn't be normal... I just don't know... Thank you again

Hey....sorry.....I just assumed things from what you wrote....I didn't read the previous post.

But I hate to break to you.....sorry if it hurts you........this guy shouldn't be your hero, he's a weasel. Here's why -

1. He asked for sexual favours when he was dating someone?? (Sorry if i misunderstood)...........so he neither had any respect or sense of faithfulness for his girlfriend, not for his girlfriend.

2. He USED you, when you were in a bad place, emotionally........that's worse than banging a helpless drunk chick.

3. He didn't provide you with ANY comfort. He actually made a deal with you. He blurts out soothing words and you give sexual favors for it.

See it this way - A butcher provides his animals with food and water......that doesn't mean the butcher is kind......he is waiting for it to grow so that he can kill it.

Similarly, a man approaches a rich man for food. The rich man offers free food for him everyday, but the condition is, he has to do is laundry and maintain his garden. Would you call the rich man as a philanthropist? No right??

He provided you with comfort, but didn't do as a friend or even as a good human being. He demanded something in return for it........that too from someone who emotionally broken up.

He perhaps knew very well that you are not interested when he forced the oral on you. If he would have been any kind of hero....he would have apologised and left (a hero would have never made such a deal in first place). But he continued....because he only cared about his satisfaction........he couldn't care less what you felt.....he couldn't care less.

He is NOT a hero. You really need to throw this guy away from your life. Never meet him again. Cut of all contact.

Please get some therapy dear. You need it. Don't make such weasels your shrink. They will only provide you with comfort with some agenda in their mind.

These guys are like scamsters. They may give you your fav flavour ice cream, but only to lace it with drugs and steal you car when you are drugged. If you question them...they'd tell you "well, you enjoyed the ice cream...didn't you.

A true hero would never expect for a help. A true hero would be just happy to see their friend smile for nothing in return.

He is not a hero.

Sorry if any of my words hurt you......i'm not the most emotional mushy gushy person. Sorry....if i have misunderstood anything.

PS - Please work your relationship with your boyfriend and promise him that you'd never see him again coz he's a bad person and you were in a bad position to understand it. Never see this guy again!

PPS - Please read about Stockholm Syndrome.

Thank you for replying again copywriter1, I am grateful for everything you are saying. I know all of what you're saying is probably true about this guy, I have it told to me by many people but I can't believe it. I still love this guy, and would literally do anything he told me to. I wouldn't see him again, though I would love to, my boyfriend would literally kill him. Please, will you read my thread 'Please help... is this sexual abuse' and tell me if you think I have been sexually assaulted, a lot of people say I have, but again I think so good of this guy I refuse to believe he would do that to me.. And at the time I don't think I cared. Once you have read my other thread (if you have the time) could you either post your response on this thread or send me a personal message. I really thank you for your help x

If you take any picture of Santa Claus and hold it so close that the picture touches your nose, all you'd probably see is just red.

Similarly, in life, when you are too close to one thing, it becomes VERY difficult to see the big picture...which may seem so obvious to people seeing things from a distance.

I'd just tell you 2 things from my life.

Thing 1 -

When I first met my ex bestie, it was like meeting a twin. We both were light hearted, loved to have fun. We kept in touch for more than 7 yrs. She made new friends...for me, she was my only bestie. My ex bestie once met our ex batchmate....and later she told me all about her. But curiously, she never mentioned that she's still in touch with me to our batchmate (we all were in same class). Instead, my ex bestie asked the batchmate if she had any idea what I was upto (obv she didn't). She passed this bit to me. I did feel a little weird, but didn't bring it up. I asked this question anonymously to the ever so insightful strangers on the net....along with few other things I was curious about stuff she did and said. The responses shocked me. Most of the responses were like "what a user", "why are you friends with her", "take a step back....she's not a true friend", "you are third wheel in her life....she really doesn't wanna be friends with you"

I was really shocked at the responses...I never expected majority of answers would trash my bestie. It was like....I saw green....ppl saw red. But slowly when I analysed many things....I realised that ppl were right. Of the 30 times she contacted me, she needed favours 10 times of it. She somehow never did anything for me. When I wanted to discuss my mind monsters, she wanted to discuss hers. When I wanted to discuss my depression...she'd say that she's depressed too.

So I broke up with her in my mind, and strangely, my self esteem got an automatic boost.

All this is something I would have NEVER guessed...until people, far away from the picture, saw pointed out the real thing.

Thing 2 -

I was in a tough place. I was depressed. I just happen to chat with a guy online....thru emails. It was fantastic . He gave me a new ease of life. I used to look forward to his emails ! We used to mail each other regularly. In all this, there was a small inner voice of mine...call it gut feeling or brain. It asked me not to share too much personal information. I shared too much of my personal information. It asked me not to flirt with the guy. I flirted with the guy. One day, he asked me to share my photos and ended mail with "Never stop writing to me". My inner voice asked me not to share my pics.....I shared my pics.

Then that's it. No mail from him. I wondered if my mail ever reached him . I kinda felt *rejected*. Then finally I got an email from him after 9 months. My mail had indeed reached him....no doubt about that. There was no apology or explanation for not replying. Heck...it was not even a reply to the mail I sent. He just said "was going thru old mails....thought about you....pls reply to this message".

My heart was overjoyed. I was ready to reply him . I had mail content imagined in my head. But my inner voice told me not to reply. This time, I listened. It was tough NOT to reply. But slowly, over time....I realised that it was the right decision. My inner voice protected my self respect and esteem.

Sometimes, your inner voice already knows things which your heart is not ready to accept. Your inner voice already knows this guy to be a creep and a user. Your heart will take its time to understand it....but listen to your inner voice!!

Also, listen to people who are not close to the situation and hence can see the big picture. This guy is no good. Any guy who asks for sexual favors can never be a "hero". Any guy who asks for ANY favours from a person going thru an emotional turmoil cannot be a "hero".

You asked me if it is sex assault. Yes, I think it is. He DID force himself on you. It's not hard to see resistance. He chose to be blind to it. Pls cut this guy out of your life. He may have helped you....thank him...move on. Heroes don't make there friends feel "cheap". He DID.

Also....it's immaterial whether it's sex assault or not. Bottom line is.....he asked you to do a thing. You did not like it....so your resisted it. Yet....he really didn't care. That is "forcing". How would you feel if say, you tell someone that you hate black coffee.....yet they hold you and force you to gulp it down?? Even if you love black coffee....you wouldn't like it if someone held you and forced you to gulp it all....right? Forcing someone to do something is something only violent ppl do.

I would also like to add.....if you don't cut this guy off your life....he *may*.....*may* escalate his forcing you to do stuff.....he "may" even assault you sexually....since you "may" just become a tool for him to get what he wants. 70% of sexual crimes happen to victims who knew their attacker.

Just be wise. Listen to your inner voice, gut feeling, brain, your loved ones and cut this guy out of your life.

Good Luck!!

"I don't even really believe he sexually assaulted me.. It's all so confusing and is messing with my head. He isn't a monster, he's not a bad person. He isn't. Basically two years ago when I was in really bad place (self harming, attempts at suicide, ect) he came along and used me for sexual favours."

Please look at the phrases I have bolded and note the contradictions. Would you do this to someone else? No? Exactly.

You say he can't be a monster, that it can't be assault, because you miss him. Actually it's totally normal to have mixed, conflicting feelings, and the fact you miss him doesn't mean it wasn't assault.