[almostangela]

I went to my birthplace of Winnipeg for my nieces’ wedding and it was a bit of an eye opener as my present met with my past. I stood back and was able to watch how and why I became the way that I am.

My niece got married and in her, I seen the same me, marrying a selfish dud of a fellow out of low self esteem. I tried to instill in my nieces not to get married early because I was 19 and that was too early, so at the age of a ‘mature’ 23, she got married. This guy has no personality and certainly no empathy, and not likely to change. Damn but that is hard to watch as she sweetly made the vow to honor and obey with that wonderful big heart of hers.

I figured I have all this experience in life, from my own emotionally abusive marriage, which I could help her not fall into the victim/abuser circumstance and for all my warnings and advise, it hasn’t made a bit of difference. The idiot wouldn’t even kiss her when people clinked glasses.

So, my lovely niece, who is a pleaser and feels whole within herself when she gives to another, has matched up with a fellow who will use her kindness against her. I pray her path is not the same as mine, but looking back at how my family is, at each level, she doesn’t stand a chance.

She is not likely to separate from him because of the pressure of family not to ‘fail’ in a marriage like her Aunt has. A divorce is unheard of. None of the family sees the blatant dysfunction that is now so clear to me, so for them, this is normal life and under acceptable terms. One symbiotic will suck the life out of the host and it can go either way, male or female being the destroyer, with the spouse being taken down the road to depression and unhappiness.

She doesn’t write to me anymore because she knows I will likely speak against the path she is choosing. Although I offer unconditional love and will love her no matter which path she takes, the truth hurts and she doesn’t want to see it because the alternative is too fearful to what she learned.

I don’t think there is anything to do at this point, but it sure bothers me inside. I’m feeling hopeless and helpless.

[Sailaway]

I don't think you are helpless or hopeless. Be her eyes when she can't see and most importantly be her voice when she can't speak. You can't make choices for her but you can and it sounds like you already are her number one advocate. Stay strong.
~Sailaway

[(JD)]

Yes, this is a tough situation. I'm glad for you though, that you are beyond this stage... and can continue to heal and become even better. I agree, you can't change her, but you can be aware and stay in contact, keeping the door open to help her with information at least. TC

[dottie]

I am so sorry. It is torture watching something unfold and not be able to do anything about it.

I knew all three of my brothers would end up dead. One of the key factors in their deaths was in marrying positively evil women.

I was seen as a nut, negative,..etc. It ruined my relationships with my brothers and my little nieces.

So sad! Knowing the future and not being able to change the outcome. Like a runaway freight train-it is! Take good care! dottie

[almostangela]

Thank you Dottie, Sky and Sailaway for your replies and comfort. I'm going to do just that and leave my door open and be her unconditional safety net. Hopefully she won't need it.