[Sailaway]

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I'm at the point in therapy where it's becoming more difficult not to talk than it is to just be honest. Whenever she asks about what he did to me, I just look away in silence. Then she pokes a little more and I get quieter. There is so much I remember, so much pain and I don't think that actually saying it out loud is going to make it any better. What he did was bad, I was bad. But I was just a kid, I swear I didn't know. He said he would hurt my family. Week after week she just laid there on the floor and let him do awful things to her. "Her" is me and it hurts now just like it did then. I can't run away from it. The harder I try to stay silent the more it hurts. I woke up yesterday on my stomach and I hurt in places I shouldn't hurt. Was it real? It felt real. I don't know how to talk about this story. There are bad words, dirty words that I can't say. I just wish I could save her now. I could never save her back then not even one time. I would just wait for him to come.
I don't know where I was going with all this but sorry for going a little all over the place. I have an appointment tomorrow and don't want to waste her or my time anymore. I don't know why this is so hard. I take risks with my job and in my normal life everyday (I'm in the military). I don't much care about putting my life life aside for others I guess. This is the first time I have ever tried to fight for anything with me.

Is your T moving to fast? My T lets me wait to talk about things when im ready. Maybe you can ask if your T to give you some time, so she wont be revictimizing you by forcing you to talk about things that you are not ready for.

[Sailaway]

she isn't moving to fast and i don't think of it as revictimizing. i know the details hold tremendous power over me and the fact that i often fight her so much with silence whenever she asks is why she pushes sometimes. but she always makes sure i'm ok. so it's good, it's just hard. thanks for the reply.

[OneAndMany]

Twice now I've needed to share something with my T that was just too much. I wrote it down ahead of time and when I couldn't say it out loud, she was fine with reading it herself. It did help me to get it out.

Wish I could make it less hard for us all...



Elizabeth

((( hugs if ok )))

Maybe you should just print this out and leave it with her.

She will see exactly what's going on without you having to go into detail.

sailaway, to speak of abuse is bound to be hard. dealing with it will probably be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. so just take time. the first time i told my therapist about it was 3 years into my therapy. i found it so hard, almost like i was trying to break my way through a thick, brick wall. i started shaking, sweating, had an awful headache etc. i found it so hard but i had to tell her, for my own good. so i forced my way through the wall and emerged a better person for it.

i really can sympathise with what you are going through, i know just how hard it can be. if only it can be easier.

you were a child when it happened, how could you control what was going on, we have no control over our lives as children, so what happens to us isnt our fault, it also isnt our responsibilty to save that child (us). but we can save ourselves now we are adults.

its the initial opening up that will be the hardest for you sailaway, getting past this will help so much. your therapist knows this, thats why she seems to "push" you to tell her. its about inner strength, you do have it, whether you know it or not. you just need to gather all of it and just tell her, and allow any emotion to folow. try telling her at the start of the session so she can help with any emotion that follows.

waking up feeling in pain is natural, its your body and mind recounting what happened, this could well continue, it probably wont happen often. its just your body dealing with it. dont tell yourself these feelings are bad, they seem bad for you but they are all part of the healing process.

i wish i could help more. if you want to, you can pm me to talk about it. im here if you need me ok and i know what you are going through, completely.

sorry if i dont seem to be speaking much sense, today i just cant seem to express exactly what im thinking. ive given it my best effort so i hope it helps.

take care of yourself and go at your own pace with everything, only do things when your inner self is ready. it could do more damage by doing it at the wrong time. you seem ready to conquer these feelings, but you need to break through the wall in order to do so.

simon

[FaithisAlive]

When the time is right.. it will happen.. you will find yourself talking.. and talking... and talking...the more you talk.. the easier it gets.. and the more free you become.. free of the pain.. the shame.. the guilt..all of it.. when the time is right for you...

Be easy with yourself... don't try to force it... it took me several months in therapy before I could talk about the abuse.. talking about it seems to make it real for me.. where as if i kept silent I could still try to pretend it wasn't real.

Through it all. try to remember you already survived the abuse....now it is time to heal..

Take It Easy.. Faith

[Evangelista]

((((Sailaway))))

Hope your appt went ok with your T. It's very hard to express emotions concerning abuse...hope that you are ok..and being patient with yourself during the therapy process...

Eva

[JustAPixie]

(((((((((((Sailaway)))))))))))

I cab honestly say that I know exactly how you feel. My T suggested to me at the beginning that I should write a story about it... in the third person, like you. The goal was to write the story with as much emotion as possible, even if I didn't feel the emotion... even if it is how someone else might feel. This was the most difficult thing I had to do... it took me forever, writing about one line at a time... but I did it eventually.

The next step was that I should read the story to him, and after that I must rewrite it in the first person. It was horrible, and then I had to read it to him again.

It has helped me so much and I can talk about it now with him, discussing certain aspects etc. It gave me a sense of freedom, like my emotions was on paper and not inside me so I don't have to deal with them right away. Certain parts I did not even write what happened, but only the emotions, abstract stuff etc.
Either way, spilling your guts for the first time is one of the hardest things you'll have to do.

And please don't blame yourself... think of what you would say to someone else if they had gone through or done the things you have, you would also tell them it's not their fault. No one can expect a child to make decisions about things they are not supposed to know off, let alone experience!

[biplol]

I know how you feel about not letting the words get out of your head. it is the same for me. It's really hard to hear aloud what we have been hearing all along, but I think, if you want the nightmare to go away, you should try small steps first. Something that really works for me is see my thought on paper. I even destroyed the pages after I'm done, just in case.
I hope you can start feeling better!

[mylife4him]

* ....keeping you all in my prayers *

Patti

mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance *

[Sailaway]

thank you for all of your replies. i went to my appointment last week and still couldn't break through that wall of the details. i feel like giving up right now on a lot of things. this isn't getting better. other means of control are becoming out of control and no one can make the choice to stop other than me. i'm sorry to be so down.
i started to write a little last night with every line beggining with "i remember..." i don't like the way i felt during most of that and still could not completely be honest with the real words still tried to bypass them with something a little more politically correct. i wish sometimes someone could just take me away from me but then i'd be on the local psych ward and that wouldn't be good. thanks again for replying.

~Sailaway

dont expect it to be so easy so quick. it will be hard for you, but you need to keep at it. try letting it out slowly, write one or two lines a day perhaps.

it will be hard to finally open up and admit to what happened, but you will get there eventually. i promise you. just try to be patient with yourself and allow yourself these alien emotions, they are all positive natural elements of the grieving process. they will fade once the emotions start flowing.

only open up to your therapist when you are comfortable with it. you need to be ready, to me it looks like you are ready but you are scared. its never possible to say what exactly you are scared of, i didnt know when i was in your situation, but it is fear and you need to find a way to overcome it. there is a way.

take it a day at a time. you have plenty of time to work on this, it wont happen overnight. you're not far from it now, just a little further to go.

take it easy and i hope things ease up for you soon.

simon

[JustAPixie]

Simon is right, take it as slow as you want to, the more you push yourself to go faster, the more pressure there will be and the less you are going to do it...

Remember the saying "life is a journey, not a destination" so is healing, don't focus on being better instantaneously, but focus on being a little better than yesterday, etc.