Adjusting to Normal Life After an Abusive Past

Do any of you have trouble adjusting to normal nonabusive life/relationships after having dealt with abuse for so long? What made me think of this is an incident that happened to me last night. I am about four months out of a long term abusive relationship with a partner who was very controlling of me. Before him I had a family that treated me in a similar way so it's what I'm used to.
Anyway last night I was out with a couple of friends drinking downtown. I usually don't drink when I take xanax (I'm prescribed xanax as needed for panic disorder) but that day I had a lapse in judgment and I went ahead and had a few drinks and got quite drunk. We were about to go for the night and I had driven us there and my friends told me they wouldn't let me drive back home. They were drunk as well so they couldn't drive us either. I balked at it and got angry and walked off (I live within walking distance). Now that I'm sober I realize they were trying to help keep me safe and depending on what I said (I can't remember) I either acted like an asshole or a lunatic, possibly both.
They even told me they were willing to pay for parking tickets if I left my car downtown overnight and they called one of my friends and had her come check on me at 3am just to make sure I made it home alright. So I feel terrible. I've apologized over facebook (I don't have their phone numbers or I'd call to apologize) and I have plans to hang out with the friend who came by to check on me. I understand that I reacted that way because I've been with someone who was controlling for so long that my knee jerk reaction when someone (especially a guy) tells me to do something is to turn around and tell them to **** off- I'll do whatever I want and you can't stop me. Granted I'm not usually this dramatic about it (I was drunk) but I am generally very defensive these days. I'm always on my guard and I have trouble letting people in or accepting their help. Does this happen to any of you as well? Any tips on how to get over these hang ups? I want to live a normal healthy life, I just don't know how because I've never done it before.

I haven't had a romantic relationship yet. This is because of a lot of factors, one being that I am only 20 years old and I just haven't the right guy yet plus my struggles with my weight have made attracting men difficult. However, there is more to it. I'm terrified of relationships. I'm terrified of getting into an abusive relationship and I'm terrified of emotional or physical intimacy. I'm not really sure why this is because I didn't experience any CSA, but even just hugging a guy is very scary to me. I guess it is because of the PA and the fact my father ignored me my entire life making men very foreign to me. It's weird because I desperately want attention from men but I'm way too scared to do anything that could possibly result in that. I'm so scared of it that I've basically already given up on having a relationship. I don't like to admit that because I do want one, but I'm really not even trying and the emotional abuse I experienced trained me to believe that no man would ever want me. I have no evidence to prove that otherwise. The only times I've ever been hit on were all sarcastic pranks or the result of a dare. I feel like if a man were to hit on me and he meant it, I'd be so shocked I'd pass out.

I do have problems in my friendships and certainly with my T. I either remain too distant from them or I get wildly clingy. If anyone critiques me, I either get very submissive or I get quite aggressive depending on how they critiqued me.

I've got the same problem. I am still adjusting and I fail daily at something. I've been in my relationship for 4 years but we've been friends since we we're 9ish. Its hard to adjust but expect setbacks and accept them they are part of getting through the pain since they show you what needs work. As far as the friends go if you are comfortable explain it to them and apologize. If not just apologize and tell them that you can't discuss it right now. Just know you aren't alone.

I just apologized for anything rude I may have done while I was drunk. He hasn't responded yet which could mean he's mad or he just hasn't seen my apology yet.

I feel like this a lot too. I tend to give off mixed signals to guys. Like I'll be fun and flirty but then when they get too close I freeze up and want them to go away. It's been an issue in the beginning of every relationship I've had and the only guys I've dated were the ones who kept trying in spite of my mixed signals. It's also a problem for me because I'll act flirty without realizing it when I really don't want them to pursue me that way. It's like I can never really figure out what I want from men.

It can be hard learning to accept kindness and good treatment - but it is possible. I still struggle to accept my husband's good, loving treatment of me, but it's a process.

Just because you've never done it before certainly doesn't mean that you can't turn over a new leaf and start doing it now!

- Don't mix alcohol and drugs (prescription or otherwise).
- Take responsibility for your actions (without making any excuses).
- Remember that apologies are only good if a change in behavior occurs.
- Be patient, gentle & kind with yourself.
- Be patient, gentle & kind with others.

It's not really like that for me. I know what I want. I want a super nice and sensitive guy to just fall from the sky and love me and make it all easy. I don't act flirty, guys do not view me in a sexual way, I've never gotten close to a guy at all. Literally no flings, no mutual attraction, no hand holding, no dates, nothing. I have no history with anyone except for the guys I have asked out and said no.

I'm like that a lot. And when I want to flirt, I can't seem to, or if I WANT to respond to someone... I'll end up seeming cold or uninterested. It's when I'm very much NOT interested or wanting anything that I'll seem like I do. It's like I somehow have it backwards and it drives me nuts. And I'm terrible at picking up on signals, so guys who are interested in me....... well... I never notice. So I've been called a tease because I accidentally lead people on.

I've definitely learned that alcohol and me don't mix right now period and I haven't drank since. I enjoy drinking but until I'm more stable I don't think it's a good idea. I want to try and live my life differently period- I've always gone the whole romantic self destructive route but it's not pretty and romantic any more, however it's familiar so it's scary to try something new.

I totally can relate to what you said! I am trying to figure out what "normal" is as well. Having been abused by my father, my step dad, a LTR and having my mother still be with my step dad - I too have a lot of anger. It is like we don't know the balance between being totally scared and passive or the other extreme-totally combative in fear of being abused or taken advantage of again.

Thank GOD you have some good friends though. Don't F it up girly J/K but really you are blessed. I have an extremely hard time finding real friends. I attract total narcissists like my mother and have never had experience with "normal" people only totally self obsessed people.

I tend to attract the same kind of people and have a rough time making friends too. I just got back in touch with some of my old friends from high school who have been a major source of support for me. Unfortunately they all live in different states so I don't get to see them much and it gets quite lonely.

I can totally relate too with having trouble finding that balance. I'm either a total yes girl who will let anyone do anything to me or I'm on guard ready **** somebody up if they so much as look at me. Unfortunately I tend to be passive when I really do need to protect myself and aggressive when I'm actually safe. I don't know why this happens but it's hard to fix. I've been abused by pretty much everyone I've ever been close to- my parents, my exes, my exes family, as well as a few "friends" who turned out to be date rapists. It makes it hard for me because now normal social settings set off my PTSD like mad but how do you meet healthy people if you never talk to anyone? I never feel completely 100% safe wherever I am these days but I hope that changes.

Oh yeah and the guy never talked to me again which sucks but oh well. Win some lose some.