[here today]

An uncle-in-law who molested me when I was 13 passed away recently. I’m 66 now, so the incident occurred a long time ago. I’m a little uncertain about my reactions and would appreciate some feedback, including criticism if anybody feels that way.

I developed an eating disorder about a year after the incident. I’ve been in and out of therapy for 50 years, so I’ve talked about the incident plenty of times.

I believe it was an impulsive, not a planned, molestation on his part. I had “forgiven” him and understood how it might have happened, given the “golden child” message he had from his mother, supported by the “we’ve all go to support our men” attitude of my family of origin.

I handled my feelings at the time by “shutting down.” Eventually in therapy I had dealt with the fact that one of the problems was that I had been aroused by what he did, and had found that pleasant.

The first day after I heard the news, I woke up feeling free. The next day I was somewhat surprised when I realized that in addition to feeling aroused, I had also loved him.

Good g****. Eventually, I fell in love with a man at work and we had a good marriage and two children before he died 14 years ago. I certainly loved him. But he was the only man I had dated seriously and my only “boyfriend”. Except for the uncle.

I shut my feelings for him down at the time because . . . lots of reasons. It would hurt my family, and hurt me. My feelings weren’t something that I had “wanted” and would not have “gone after” on my own. But once the incident happened, they were there. I had the ability to “shut down” (dissociate) from earlier experiences in my life, so that’s the way things went. No amount of therapy could unlock that door. I was a “loyal” family member at that time. Those were the cultural values back then.

Now, after my mother died last year, I have no more contact with my extended family of origin. When I was a kid, I loved them. I still love them. But . . . I stayed away because I felt uncomfortable at family gatherings and now. . . my cousins and I have no history.

[blueredgrey]

Sorry you had faced so much. Life is tough!

Family are the people you are supposed to trust and when they back stab you, it really hurts.

We cannot choose our family, but we can choose our friends. I hope you have or can make a good circle of friends. Join some activities, look out for people willing to travel!

Never stop living your life to the fullest, until God puts a full stop to it.

Good luck!!

[nicoleflynn]

I am 67 and was molested by a drunken neighbor. Long story. I love the words, "Restorative Justice"--Meaning, this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. Even though the criminal is dead (the one that molested me is dead also) you could still write that letter. Love and hugs, Nicole

[Skywoulf]

I am a male, and it was my dad that "molested" (is that a strong enough descriptive word?) me, I am now 51, and my dad is still alive. my mother knew about it, and turned a blind eye. (that was only half of her betrayal) so you guys can imagine how I feel. I asked him about it, and he admitted to having been molested by a female when he was young and that he "enjoyed the he** out of it" (without batting an eye, as if he was proud of it.) when I asked him why he thought I might enjoy it, he changed the subject very quickly. never was I answered.