[onepointsix]

Hi All,

This is my first post about my story. I'm a gay male, early 30s and I grew up youngest in a family of 6 siblings and generally went through a tirade of abuse from aged 12/13 onwards. From the outside I'm masculine yet was taunted with derogatory 'fag' name calling, threats, physical abuse (the odd face punch) all through my teenage years until I left home. All this came from a sociopathic brother (closest in age) who claims now that he was very sick back then (our family unit was quite dysfunctional - dad drank, mother prayed). As adults this brother is now 'attempting' peace so I let him in and yet when I do I note no remorse, I note only the same figure I feared, the same personality somewhat covered (as he can't just verbally abuse me). By giving him a bridge, am I hurting myself? Do you ever get over how a bully made you feel, moreso when the bully is a family member. I personally view this family member as a psychopath and feel awful about myself and highly self-aware/awkward in his company which he can clearly see and appears to enjoy.

Just floating this out there.

Thanks.

welcome.

sorry you are going through all this

hope this forum helps you

[Trippin2.0]

I believe that if having a relationship with your brother benefits you in no way whatsoever, and in turn actually just adds negativity instead, then there really is no point in having one with him is there?

We can forgive our abusers without subjecting ourselves to having to have tea with them once a week. Forgivemess is for our benefit anyway, not their's. My story is very different from yours although my older "brother" is also the sociopathic unremorseful character in my story, but he never even bothered to fake apologize. I have since cut him out of my life for good and I've never felt more liberated.

For me, having inner peace is way better than family peace.

[nicoleflynn]

The Verbally Abusive Relationship bu Patricia Evans saved my life. You may want to consider counseling also. No contact....is the best way to deal with abusers. Toxic People is also a good book, and Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.

[A Red Panda]

Has he changed in any way at all, besides the brief acknowledgement of what he did and the "restraint" he's showing by not verbally abusing you anymore?

Remorse isn't remorse without a change in how the person actually behaves.

My family would never, ever, even go as far as acknowledging their behaviours. (They live firmly in Denialand). I keep a no/low contact with them, because when I am around them I feel zero peace or comfort. I've found that I at least can't forgive someone who will actively continue with what they've always done. But I can move past it, and so that is what I have done.

I subject myself to family things if I am in that area. I do for the sake of appearance and because I am a good person and still try to be a good daughter. I'm never comfortable and in fact I am pretty much a totally different person when I'm with them. If you aren't comfortable with your brother, there is zero reason why you should have contact with him. You can still endure his presence at family gatherings, but you truly don't have to go out of your way to placate him because it's what he wants.

[skeksi]

My brother abused me. He is "different" now (although he has never addressed or apologized for the abuse). What I learned in T is that it doesn't matter if he has changed or would never hurt me again: what matters is how I feel when I am around him and what I feel comfortable doing.

[onepointsix]

Thank you for all of your replies. It's two days since his visit and I'm still feeling traumatised by it. I just don't get how someone could belittle you for years and then find a path back to show no real remorse and appear to revel in the reaction. Part of me feels bad/guilty for my autorejection of him and other family members (who acted similarly towards me) @red panda, I see no change from the bully I saw when I was younger - just an over inflated ego about himself and his accomplishments. Even when my talents are under discussion, he appears to react with a better story about himself etc - it's bizarre, I feel a level of competitiveness (I'm better looking, use wordplay better, speak languages) yet inside hate myself when I'm around him. I'm aware of my speech, my facial expressions, my walk, my tone, my gaze. God, this is all so messed up.

Should I just break off contact by ignoring and only seeing on family occasions? Or break off with a full account of why.

Life is too short to waste time on those who wasted nothing but abuse on you.

[BLUEDOVE]

I have 2 brothers 1 sister I would not give house room. THEY are as sick as our parents were,which
means they are ALL NARCISSISTIC,which I think
your B has.And in THAT CASE, he will NEVER
change--their whole life-purpose is me,me,me,me,
and to hell with anyone else.
Please don't give ' full
account of why' they are not interested,their only
interest is themselves. Have a look on this site at
narcissists forum,or google it, I bet you recognise B.
Your first responsibilty is YOU! Please do not put
this upon yourself- cut the ties!
Kind Regards,
BLUEDOVE.

[onepointsix]

Can anyone recommend any good books specifically on this topic? Sibling abuse etc?

Thanks y'all

[Trippin2.0]

I agree, just sever contact outside of family obligations.

Personally I don't even do that, I stay home when "he's" in the country. Spent last Christmas alone and would do it again this year if put in the same position.

Like BlueDove said, don't waste your explanations, if anything he will gloat because you've admtted he still gets to you even though he's "behaving"...

I know I'm strange,
But what are you?.....

[A Red Panda]

If he hasn't changed, and yet puts on a fake sort of apology or "change"... then he's doing it to make it appear to others like he's good and you're the "unforgiving" person - to make himself the victim if it ever comes up. Or he's doing it to try to win you back in so that things can continue.

My brother does things like that. I see through it and don't comply and then I get labelled as being a b**** and for exagerating and overreacting and whatnot.