[medicalfox]

When I was a child, I just had ADHD, OCD, and autism. I was hyper all the time and had so much energy. I also was super OCD about germs and I couldn't handle touching door knobs, people touching my food, etc. My autism caused me to not understand social roles. I didn't know how to interact with people, I didn't understand jokes, and I just wasn't a normal child. My mother beat the living day lights out me me because of it. I never knew I was doing something wrong until she beat me and yelled at me. She'd get down to my level, put her face next to mine, and screamed at me until her face was red and her voice gave out. She'd hit my across the face with her hands as hard as she could and beat me with objects, mostly belts. Words can not depict what I had endured for ten years (5-15) years of my life. She still was abusive, but verbally which was a trigger for my mania. She denies beating me and considering it abuse. She said it "builds character". I'm not abused anymore, but when people yell I get diarrhea and anxiety. I flinch and cry at sudden noises and movements. I don't know how to stop doing this. I don't want to forgive her, she burned hatred into my bones and it leaks out when I'm manic. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know.

[tinyrabbit]

I don't see any reason why you should forgive her. I am so, so sorry she hurt you like that.

[catsrhelm]

You don't always have to forgive. I am sorry that you went through all of that, but hopefully you are a better and wiser person than she will ever be. Would a hug help? HUG!

[growlithing]

Wow our stories are so similar. I have ADHD and my mother handled it just like yours. I have so much hate for her and everyone else who raises their voice. I'm not sure forgiveness is necessary. As soon as I can, I'm going to completely cut her out of my life.

[nicoleflynn]

What you are experiencing is called"hypervigilance"--it happens to me when anyone raises their voice; I instantly go on alert. Abuse doesn't build character it destroys your spirit and being able to feel safe in the world. Have you considered ttheapy? That would be a good place to begin. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. Most abusers rarely admit their abuse; they live in denial; they don't want to think of themselves as abusers. I like the term, "Restorative Justice"--this means.....this is what you did; this is how it made me feel So empowering for anyone abused; it kind of takes back your power that was stolen from you as a child. THe letter is for YOU, not the abuser.

[allme]

[lucky2001]

My story is similar to yours. I had a developmental disorder and my family, especially my mom, handled everything horribly. I have so much hatred for her. But at the same time i want to forgive her but i just don't know if i can.

[medicalfox]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Wow our stories are so similar. I have ADHD and my mother handled it just like yours. I have so much hate for her and everyone else who raises their voice. I'm not sure forgiveness is necessary. As soon as I can, I'm going to completely cut her out of my life.

I planned on doing that too until I went on medications. I need to keep somewhat in touch and on good terms so I'm allowed on her insurance. I hate it so much and I want nothing to do with her.

I'm in therapy and we are working on my PTSD from it among other things. My therapist says my little me is scared and hurt and that I need to protect her. She told me the little me needs to be comforted by the adult me and needs to be protected. She hasn't healed from her wounds and is still in a lot of pain. I'm not sure how to do all that though. I don't always think of the abuse, but my body remembers it. My body remembers being beaten and so I flinch unconsciously and I have diarrhea which I can't seem to control. My boyfriend and his family know not to be loud around me because this causes panic attacks, the runs, and so much more.

I don't want to forgive my mother because it seems like that means I have accepted what she has done. I don't accept it and I never will accept it. A few people ask what don't I forget about it and move on, but how could I? This fear is so instilled in me that's it subconsciously affects my body. I feel like if I was willing to forget it my body wouldn't allow it. Both my body and mind/soul are hurt and angry. I may not be hurting consciously all the time, but subconsciously I am.

I'm glad I got everyone's input on this. I was starting to feel that i was the bad one for not forgiving her, but now I see that i don't have to. I'm sorry this has happened to everyone too and I don't know how to solves this; I wish this never happened to us. I'd hug each and everyone one of you and buy you chocolate if I could.

(((medicalfox))) ...

I firmly believe that abusive people invented the word "forgive" to further torment their victims while absolving them (the abusers) of any culpability.

I ain't buyin' it ... I used to, but not anymore!

Let their gods forgive them!

They can all burn in hell as far as I'm concerned.

And their gods along with them too!



ps. Apologies if that was offensive ... Didn't realize I still felt this strongly about it.

[BLUEDOVE]

Hope this helps a little:"That which does not kill you,
makes you stronger."
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[gettingoverit]

You forgive people for cutting you off, hurting your feelings, or eating the last oreo cookie. You shouldn't have to forgive anyone for abuse. But you do have to find a way to move on for YOUR sake

I am so sorry that this happened to you I hope you are able to find comfort in this world.

**HUGS**

[sporster2k7]

Sounds like my life! but it was an alcaholic father on the other end.He has passed away to this day I have never forgiven him.I only wish my parents would have tried to help me out as a child ,try to find out what was wrong with me instead of grounding me and abusing me.

[JHABS]

My goodness, our stories are similar!
It's been over 40 years since my mother put her hands on me, but the verbal abuse continued well into my adulthood.
She never changed. She's now 93 years old, bedridden, and I'm her healthcare advocate and primary caregiver
I vacillate between being compassionate (Who/What made HER that way?), to absolutely not being able to stand the sight of her, wishing that he's hurry the hell up and die, so that I can be done with her, once and for all...when in reality, she'll be with me for the rest of my life: wounds become scars, then bruises, then memories.
There IS hope, however, my friend: WE CAN HEAL.