My ex-husband abused me for about 12 years - it's been at least 20 years after the fact. When I say abuse it was severe physical abuse and emotional abuse.
We share a son that is 22 - I did much better when my son was younger. I had Christmas and Birthdays and holidays, having my ex and his current girlfriend over to my house to share the holidays. We were divorced following the birth of my son.

In the last few years - pretty much since my son turned 18, my EX no longer wants to contribute to the holiday - I do understand. My son has been dating the same girl since he was 18.

My son's girlfriends Mom and my son's girlfriend are good friends with my ex-husband so 5 years later, I am no longer welcome.

With the except of this year. I am spending Christmas day over to my son's girlfriend's Mom - along with my ex husband and my son's girlfriend and of course her family.

A PART of me wants to scream and scream....

Saying HOW can you want me to spend time in the same room with some one that gave me bruise upon bruise who raped me when my son was born - so badly that I needed stiches.

I know that I spent time on holidays with my ex, but it was in my home and my son was a minor and I was trying to do what was best for him.

I want to scream - DON"T YOU CARE ABOUT ME????
I am the person that raised you, scracficed for you, was always there of you. Thru medical surgeries, I took you fishing, bought your first car, took you to drivers training.... Where was you DAD?????

It is making a wreck out of me. I don't have a logic thought process to it.

I think the most painful part of it is that my son and his girlfriend chooses my EX everytime. I never put that choice to them my EX has.

It seems so oddly strange to "break bread" with someone that routinely called me a "worthless piece of s**t", "not worth the air I breath", "dirt has more value than you", "I would kill you but your not worth it".

Am I the only one that feels that it is like stepping into the "twilight zone" with spending time with my EX.

My inside core of my heart hurts soooooo bad. I understand that I'm to forgive and forget but I don't think I'm there yet.

I guess with this post I'm looking for support that my feelings are vaild.... if they are not it is really OK to tell me so... either way it will help me to move off dead center.

[(JD)]

(((safe hugs)))) Of course your feelings are valid! I wouldn't go. Sorry, I would ask that they plan another dinner or time or event where you can get together with them "alone." You have every right to be upset. It's their problem that they don't see a problem with this..and IMO that totally discounts what he put you through! (not in my eyes, but in theirs) If they don't understand, they never will, and you will be resigned to putting up with it the rest of your life.

Just say, "No. Thank you."

[FaithisAlive]

Maybe you raised such a loving son that he can embrace you both....
and then too maybe he knows you love him but he is trying to win his dad's love by choosing him over you....which would mean he doesn't know his dad loves him.. how sad is that?
It sounds to me like you did a wonderful job of raising your son despite difficult circumstances.Be proud.

I know its painful and scary to be with the one who violated and hurt you so badly.. but I hear strength in your words.... you have already risen above your abuser...

Be strong.. if you decide to go...Good Luck....Faith

for you, mom...........i know you're really hurting.......

faithisalive.......

[Perna]

Yes, I think you were too good at raising your son "evenly" so he has no clue how you feel or what his father did specifically, etc. (since you got divorced when he was so small and all the interactions took place in your home and were "controlled" by you). Since the other players don't have a clue how bad it actually got it being "before their time," I would either keep it that way and see your son when/how it's easy for him (and sounds like he's letting his girlfriend dictate that which is even further removed) and keep pretending or decline the invitations to be with your abusive ex- now that you don't need to. But twenty years and other people's relationships with your ex- stand in the way of it being "the same" or understandable by anyone coming along "now."

Perna,

You are so right..... I kept it in the "dark" because I wanted to give my son a "balanced" life. My Ex was always abusive to the women in his life, not to his children - he has 2 daughters by another marriage. His daughters - in their 30's turned completely away from their mother - which is sad..... They also turned away from me.... which is also sad.
But there are just some things in life that can't be changed.
Thanks...

[nothemama8]

freewill, the day is almost over and you will survive again
Peace and Love
Angie