[tacoqueen1993]

as much as I try to black it out it still always seem to slip back into my memory. Lately it has been bad. Constant flash blacks, anger, and depression. I was in the classroom the first time it ever happened to me. I must have been in 4th grade, and boy in my class put his hands between my thighs while my teacher was reading us a story. I remember feeling extremely uncomfortable. The 2nd time I had unwanted touching was on the back of the bus on the way back. I was still a little girl and a boy who was much older put his hands once again on my inner thighs, sometime afterwards we were at the park he took me near the trees and touched my breasts. I still remember till this day... I was wearing a red training bra with a cherry symbol in the middle, with matching red and pink panties. He touched me in places that have never been touched before. I never mentioned it to anyone.

The next time it happened It was with a family member. He was my uncle. I was wearing a denim jean dress with pink flowers stitched in. He tried to perform a-n-a-l sex on me, He made a game out of it. He called it "The Monster Game" It was a game where I would go under the blankets and he would go in after me., and ended up with him sexually abusing me. Sometimes my little brother would even be in the room playing video games. He knew about It. and when me and my little brother would get into arguments he would hold it against me. " IF YOU TELL MOM THAT I DID THIS, I'LL TELL MOM WHAT YOU GUYS DID UNDER THE BLANKETS" It was victim blaming coming from someone who was too young to understand victim blaming, i felt guilty like it was somehow my fault. My uncle was much older than me, and knew what he was doing because years later when we would go over there for family dinners he wouldn't make eye contact, he would walk right out of room when I walked In. Maybe he didn't want to see the hurt in my eyes. My mom eventually found out . She sat me down on the couch after my brother finally confessed. I didn't say much, and she kept it a secret in the family. I never got counselling, and It was never talked about again.

He babysat me a lot, I can't even remember how many times he has does this to me, but I know It was one too many. After I realized what he did was wrong, and he asked me when I over at his place and I went down to the basement he was sitting on the chair and I remember him asking "Do you want to play the monster game" I remember feeling scared to speak up, but I basically told him to **** off.

IT STILL ANGERS ME THAT I HAD NO HELP, NO NOTHING FROM MY FAMILY.
it pains me that I never pressed charges. that everything was left unsaid.
almost a year ago I did a bunch of speed and drank a bunch of vodka, and I sent him an angry message with a friend of mine at the time, he never replied.

the next time I got sexually abused was at a party. I was drinking a lot at this point of my life, and going through a lot. I chugged a glass of jack daniels drank malt liquor and completely blacked out. One of my bestfriends was dying in the hospital from cancer and I didn't know how to handle anything besides getting messed up on booze. I was hooking up with some douche bag sad excuse for a friend at the time, After rolling around on the floor and leaning up against everyone drunk on the couch he took me downstairs to have sex with me. I passed out. A friend of his who was dating a girl who was away in a different city and was over drinking went downstairs to "check up on me" he ended up performing o-r-a-l/vaginal intercourse on me when I was black out drunk, almost unconscious. I could barely tell what was going on. He went back downstairs, and I came up naked puking and crying. A flaky backstabbing " friend" of mine put me in the bathtub so I wouldn't puke everywhere. the guy I was hooking up with and his friend who raped me pissed on me while I could barely talk or keep my head up in the tub. I woke up the guy who raped me apartment on his couch smelling like pee.

When I asked what happened he tried to play it off like he was the hero of the night and checked up on me, and I was coming on to him, and I was too drunk to go to my parents house when they tried to walk me home, so he let me crash at his place. I was 15 at the time, he was in his 20s. After everyone found out about what happened people started saying I was a s-l-u-t and telling me i was basically asking for it. they twisted around the story, i was mocked, and they eventually started giving me nicknames. some people still use it till this day. It hurts. I felt so alone, so confused, so disgusting. Nobody defended me, or had my back, and i had such low self esteem at the time I didn't know how to stand up for myself.

Over the years I've tried to recover. It's been really hard for me to let things go. I discovered feminism, and educated myself on Rape Culture. It has made me a stronger women. Never again will I let a man use me, rape me, disrespect me, and throw me to the curb like a piece of trash. Right now I'm in a committed supportive relationship with someone who loves me for who I am. He deals with all of my baggage as frustrating as it is for him at times, In the end he's always there for me at the end of the day. and that's all that matters. He respects me, and treats me like no man has ever treated me. I know what happened to be is ****ed up. but i also know it has made me strong. as cliche as it is to say this what doesn't kill you DOES make you stronger.

I think It's sad that we live in a world where women/men are too scared to speak up about being victims, where they blame themselves, and other people blame them. Where men feel like they won't be taken seriously and that " how can you not enjoy that your a male you must have liked it you had a boner" or "you were drunk, you were flirting, you were asking for it, mentality exists. I've been called a liar, a drunk s-l-u-t, attention seeking,it's been ignored or backfired in my face every time I've spoken up about it.

Hopefully within time I can move on, I know I will never forget, but I hope I can one day cope with this all.

[Daeva]

I wish I could just hold you, I feel such empathy towards you. You're such a strong person and I hope you can heal and cope with this all too. Opening up like you have is a good thing to do. -hugs-

[Onward2wards]

((( tacoqueen ))) this was a very hard post for me to read, but I'm glad I did because at least I can reply and offer support for whatever that is worth.

I see a HUGE problem with the way normal, healthy sexuality is either mixed up with the idiotic idea that it is somehow inherently shameful, or the equally corrosive idea that it is a means to express power, control or status - and things get REALLY bad when these two concepts converge. Women and men alike suffer needlessly because of all these warped ideas about sexual expression.

[Silent_Tears_17]

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for everything that happened to you, and I cannot imagine the pain you felt then or sharing with us now. But your message gives me hope for the future that eventually I can recover and find someone who loves me.