Am I too touchy????

I am 48yo. And I am a GUY... (I think that really matters here).

As a kid - my big brother used to hit/punch/annoy/publicly embarrass me on a near-daily basis. He was a lot bigger and heavier than me - so I really could not possibly fight back. My mother would not help (she very much favored him) - she told me to "handle it myself"..... UMMM I am being beaten - HOW (outside of murder) do I handle it???

so - you get my past...... fast forward. I have BPD (bad with relationships), I have pretty much no friends. I am married - but she can be rather mentally abusive (loves to point out failures and bring them up often to kind of "knock me down"). She has also been physically abusive (yes - and I am the guy). Punched, slapped, kicked... all that crap. NOT daily by any means - but absolutely multiple times every year for the last 22 years of wedded bliss......

Last night she physically KICKED me out of bed (multiple kicks to my torso)......

Am I just being a wimp?

Of course you are not being a wimp! You are being abused. I suggest the book which saved my life: THe Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patrcia Evans and getting into some counseling for yourself. We frequently marry someone like a family member and try to fix the past...all unconsciously of course. ONE incident of physical abuse is too much.....You are repeating a pattern...NO ONE should ever be physically or verbally assaulted. I hope you will read the book, and also Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud and get into counseling. She isn't going to stop abusing you unless you take steps to stop it. ...I hope you will get some counseling...I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse....The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans was the catalyst that started me on my journey to escaping the nightmare.

There's no excuse for what she does to you. This is not about you being a wimp, no reason to blame yourself for her behaviours.

I've been there, yes I'm female, but it doesn't matter. You are being phsyically and emotionally abused. Either get her to seek counseling wth you are leave. Do not put up with this behavior. I took mental abuse for 24 years but when he got phsycal I told him to get out. You need to take care of yourself; you deserve better.

** Appreciate your comments... BUT - I am trapped. I have two daughters and they are my EVERYTHING.

I could never function without seeing them daily. AND I could never hurt them so much as to go through a divorce.

I have two options....
1) Sit there and take it
2) End my existence

Dear Useful Me (sorry...I can't call you by your name ),

I am sorry for all that you've been thru!! Maybe your mom was just a narcissist and your brother was her Golden Child (where does your father fit in?)

Why is there a notion that guys are strong and anyone who gets beaten by a "girl" is a wimp. I am pretty sure that you are a very strong guy and can hit your wife....but you don't want to - because you are a good person. NO ONE in the world has the right to hit anyone else.

Why are you tolerating this emotionally draining abusive relationship?

Have you tried a marriage counsellor?? Would your wife be open to that?? Maybe she'd just mend her ways with therapy?

You may say that you are sticking it out for your daughters but....many, many research says that tolerating abuse in a marriage (no matter how well you shield it) does affect children. They either become abusers or think that to make a marriage successful, they have to walk on eggshells.

They may speak all the right things about "respect in marriage"...blah blah, but they may still act out what they saw in their parent's marriage.

Nothing good can ever come out by tolerating abuse....no "Sit there and take it" is a very stupid suggestion. I think you should divorce your wife if she's not open for marriage counselling. If you don't want to go through divorce, perhaps, you can move out to some other house (small) closer to your current home, if you can afford it. That way you'd be separated from your wife and yet be close to your daughters. I think instead of teaching your daughters that it takes "tolerance" to keep your marriage running - teach them that one should stand up for themselves.

Your second option - "End my existence" is also very stupid.....you don't want to hurt your daughters......yes and seeing you gone forever would make them jump with joy??


Please write out all that you've gone thru, in your marriage and show it to your daughters - they may understand your reasons for your actions.

Just curious - how old are your daughters?

I do hope that you are working with your therapist.

Good luck!!

Yes, I stayed way too long with a very abusive 'partner' partly cos I believed that would be "better for the children". So after we'd finally escaped, on top of all the recovery and adjustments and learning of new skills there was to go through, I had to deal with the shame of finding out that they'd been too long traumatised by the experience of my being abused and having become a shell of a person because of the misery, pain and fear I'd been existing under. And of course they had been in pain and fear of their own as well as feeling mine.
ANd like copywriter1 said, your daughters are having it more and more imprinted into them that partnership means suffering, that it's acceptable to hurt and humiliate your partner and that it's right to allow yourself to be abused. Think about the legacy you'll be leaving them to live with.
You don't have to either "sit there and take it" or "end [your] existence" - you can rediscover and own your boundaries and insist that she learn to respect your person. She is being out-of-control abusive and it's damaging your daughters to be around that, as well as hurting and demoralising you. Please get yourselves to counselling and read those books recommended above.
And remember YOU are a worthwhile, loving and loved person!

You may not have thought of it, but I guarantee you if you end your life or even TRY and end your life, your daughters will also go down that path. Trust me, I know of what I speak. Parent emulation, it is what we do! Get some counseling, you don't deserve to be treated this way!

i had a girlfriend like that not the kicking but the hitting, you are not a wimp for not fighting back , i never did because i believe in not hitting women.
she used to cut herself as well and blame it on me when i took her to the hospital to get her sown up !
hey, i am sorry you are in that kind of relationship, but ending it all when you have daughters is not a good idea.
your daughters will feel abandoned for the rest of their lives.
take care

I'm in a similar situation however I am not bpd and my wife was only verbally abusive call out faults etc. I love my kids too much. We tried counseling that helped for a bit. What really made a difference is when I started calling her out too and pointing out how she is behaving. Of course some times it would end up in a argument but I would not back down. Eventually she understood I was not going to back down and basically she knew what to expect if she played her mind games. That worked out well for me. Now she calls me abusive but I really am not. I just remind her of my boundaries.

3) I suggest therapy or counseling either together or just yourself. Learn how to set up boundaries and stand your ground.

Quote: "You get the behaviour from people that you
put up with without protest. YOUR SILENCE IS
CONSENT!" Look at the example you show your
daughters--do you think they will grow up respecting their father? Like hell they will,they will
probably copy Mom and hit you too!

You are not "trapped." you only believe you are. Your children's lives are being forever changed, living with abuse. Abusers rarely change. If she won't go to counseling with you (I will bet she won't because she doesn't want anybody "seeing" her abusive behavior), PLEASE, PLEASE go into counseling for yourself. You owe that to your children. Nothing will change unless YOU take charge. Those two "options" are not logical or good. Dying will cause your children to believe they could have stopped you and will blame themselves for the rest of their lives. You thinking (understandably) is skewed, so I hope you will call a therapist. This cannot go on. What if (because of the abuse one of your children decide that suicide is an option?)

I thank you for your concern and your attempt to give me strength.

However - you are wrong on this one. Thank God my kids are very bright and very observant. Tie that fact to the concept that I have always been a loving and fair father - and I can assure you that my girls love me to no end and they SEE the injustice and have some bitter feelings towards mom regarding it.

Now that does not mean that they are free from some very confusing signals - but i know they would NEVER hurt me.

Follow up....................

Yesterday went to see shrink. Went over the whole fight. T asked my spouse if she was sorry for what she did. Answer "no". Asked to clarify - was defiant and repeated that she is not sorry - and is being truthful.

"would you want me to lie"? So, I guess I am supposed to be thankful that she is honestly unrepentant about her abuse.

Lucky me.

Personally, I think your suicide would be way harder on your daughters than a divorce. Kids do bounce back from a divorce, particularly if the parents are able to put the kids' interest first. Many jurisdiction require classes for the parents now on how to handle issues around the children and to help insure the children's well being.

Dear,

If your wife is unrepentent about it....I'd ask you again...what are you getting by staying in this relationship??

I'm glad that your kids can see the injustice.....but mind is weird. People give excellent advice, speak mature things as long as they are seeing it from third person perspective. But often, what kids live thru is what they see in their parents marriage....because it feels "normal" to them.

My mother had a very irresponsible father, she felt that too. But yet she married a man who was irresponsible and abusive and let him carry on with the abuse. I am scared of relationship, even if I am mature, because from what I saw in my mother's life - relationships implies endless compromises.

Your wife is not sorry, not repentful. It is not just a marriage that has no love in it - it has become a marriage that is emotionally draining. Start by moving out....closer to your home so that you can meet your daughters everyday. If your wife questions you - you can tell her that it's what you want and you are being "honest" about it.

It would be difficult initially, but you'd adjust overtime. It's better for you and your daughters.

Good luck!

WAIT, why should he move out without the kids, Blueredgrey? IF he wishes to separate from her, he needs to find an attorney and be first to file so he gets the house and custody of the kids. Men can get custody, even sole custody, particularly in situations like this one.

Dear My Kids are Cool,

I am not aware of American laws....but it's really up to UM on decision on whether or not to go for divorce.
I guess even in US, divorce is a long process, esp if it involves splitting assets and custody of kids. First UM needs to decide on whether to stay or separate - and only he can take that decision, with maybe a therapist. Attorney comes into the picture later.

I guess I said about moving out because, if he moves out immediately, the spousal abuse can stop and he can have peace of mind.

That is why I said "IF" he wants a divorce. I was just pointing out that HE does not necessarily have to move out for the abuse to stop and he certainly does not have to leave his children with this woman. Regardless of divorce or no divorce, it is my opinion that it is ALWAYS a bad idea to leave a child with an abuser, even if the abuser has not started abusing the child yet.

I recommend an immediate divorce. It ain't worth it.