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#1
Apr 30, 2014, 08:15 PM
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Please excuse the following if I am not making total sense the details of some are very sketchy and its hard to make it all coherent. So thanks for your patients.
So then recently I came across this and it really upset me but was also gave me hope because I might have a reason for why I am the way I am. Have You Ever Wondered If You Were Sexually Abused? talentdevelop.com/articles/HYEWIYWSA[dot]html Think back to your childhood do you have any of the following memories? a sudden fear of specific things, people, places (bathroom or i.e. the room where the abuse took place)? act out inappropriate sexual activity or display unusual interest in sexual matters temper tantrums, especially coinciding with visits to places or interaction with certain people? violent behavior such as: kicking, hitting, bitingsurvivors feel extreme frustration and anger. mood swings, hitting, withdrawal (abused children often feel alone, helpless and withdraw into a shell), culminating into depression. difficulties with bed wetting or soiling after 4 years of age? nightmares (monsters, being chased or bogey men), fear of going to bed or sleepwalking? physical symptoms of sexual abuse such as: vaginal/rectal pain, itching, vaginal/rectal bleeding (bloodstains in underwear or pajamas), discharge, redness in genital area, or bladder/kidney infections difficulty walking or sitting stomach and digestive problems complain of flu-like symptoms or not feeling well frequently listlessness (robot-like, sitting quietly and unemotional staring into space until someone or something prompted you to act.) self-inflicted pain (head banging, hair pulling, nil biting, body cutting/carving, frequent accidents (accident prone) regressive behavior: baby talk, sudden clinging behavior unexplained aggressiveness or rebellion inserting objects into genitals/rectumact out sexual behavior on dolls, toys or other children aches and pains, headaches and other psychosomatic ailments unusual knowledge and interest in sex beyond developmental level panic attacks or anxiety beginning stage of eating disorders displaying adult or sexualized behavior (walking seductively, flirting, acting and talking like an adult). drop in grades, difficulty concentrating serious depression inability to trust others acting out self-destructive behaviors: alcohol and/or drug use, eating disorders bathe excessively feeling the need to be secretive sense of carrying a deep dark secret develop strategies forprotection such as: layering, wearing baggy or safety-pinning clothes; sleping on the floor; in the closet, under the bed or blocking your bedroom door acting out pseudo maturity sexually transmitted diseases a dramatic inrease in the frequency of masturbation or masturbation to the point of injury acting out promiscuously serious confusion regarding sexual identity an aversion toward opposite sex sexual interest in younger children As an adult have you experienced, but not limited to the following complaints? Little or no memory of childhoodage 3 to 12 Anxiety or Panic Attacks Gastrointestinal disorders Gynecological disorders Vaginal/uterine cancer-women, Testicular/prostate cancer-men Frequent Headaches (migraines) Arthritis (especially hands,legs) Joint pain Back painL3, L4 and/or L5 region Eating disorders Alcohol or drug abuse Phobias Depression Low self-esteem ADD or ADHD Suicidal thoughts/attempts Reoccuring Dreams of threat or entrapment Reoccuring Dreams of rats or snakes, being chasted by a man/men or dogs Inability to trust or trusting indiscriminately If you have experienced one or more of these symptoms the chances of your being a sexual abuse survivor or a physical trauma survivor which transended into sexual abuse aftereffects is exceedingly high. It has a list of all the behaviours and feelings you would go thorugh as a kid and adult if you had potentially been abused. I have nearly everything on this list! Is it right???? What do I do now? I have a dark side to me I dont show to anyone or try not to show myself? I dont want it anymore Right now I am in month 4 of a depression that started at christmas last year(bad time for me) and i havent been able to lift it. Also this is not me doing some kind of self-pitying exercise! Everyone's lives are tough, its what happens to us and how those events change us that make them hard for ourselves. I have just had enough, I want to be fixed/cured/reborn/found/anything but this! Firstly, I am so tired of living like my life and being me. I have had enough sadness to last 10 life times. I am sick of constantly causing myself and others worry and making my own life miserable. One of my nicknames my friends call me is Mr. Self-Destruct. For the record, I of course have dark, macabre thoughts but I really would never act on them. I guess you could say that's a little cruel joke in my psyche or just who I am! I just could never bring myself to end my life so ill just have to suffer til I kick it whenever its time. Secondly, I would just like to say that I am not entirely sure if I should be in this particular forum but I am certain the way I am is the result of 1 of 3 things. 1. I may or not have been sexually abused as a child. 2. My extremely chaotic childhood/life made me the way I am. 3. Both my parents are bi-polar and from what I can see and according to doctors, shrinks etc. I have been lucky enough to escape this. I have my highs and lows but I thinks that's just down to my life. Right here we go, fasten your seat belts (apologies if some find my use of humour throughout a bit out of taste but humour is probably the one thing that has kept me going all these years,a dark, black, horrible, irish humour  I am a 33 year old fella and those 33 years have been so hard hard hard hard hard and at times completely hopeless, worthless, darkest and saddest and they have been so primarily due to my behaviour/decision/choices over the years. I am the master of putting things to the back of my mind or out of it entirely just so I don't have to confront whatever it is. Man this is tough. I don't know where to begin.. I was born in 1980, I grew up in a small town in Ireland during a very bad recession, born into a family with my mom and dad, and my 2 older step-brothers from my moms first marriage(which was so physically abusive it completely destroyed my mothers life), my dad (i found out in my teens) also was married before and had a daughter (my step-sister). So as soon as I was born I was brought into this hyper-dysfunctional environment. Don't get my wrong my family actually come from good stock, my parents just happened to be the black-sheep of their own families! Especially my bad, he really could have been anything he wanted but he was/is crippled by a fear of failure/anger and running away is whole life which is why he now lives in a jungle in Asia(a story for another forum perhaps). Mom and Dad tried to make it work but two people with bi-polar trying to make ends meet and raise a family does not mix well. So by the time I was 4 my parents split, I actually dont have a problem with that, sometimes it really is for the best but that definitely had an effect on 4 year-old me. Something a shrink made sense of only in the past year or so. So that was it my old man was gone to another part of the country and for the next 20 old years we saw him a few times a year and while he worked and what money he could back to my mom. So 4 yr old me was left with my (step)brothers and my bi-polar, broken mother. It was hard. We moved a lot. Just to cut it down in size between 1984 and lets say til I 'finished' school in 1998. I had moved over 10 times to different parts of the country and had been to a different school everywhere I went but wherever we moved to my moms plans always failed and we moved everything back to our 'home town'. My brothers were 4 & 5 years older than me so by 1992 the eldest had gone to university, middle brother was in final year of secondary(high)school and I was starting my first year of secondary school. For about 3 years prior to that I was constantly bullied, I was chunky, looked different, wore glasses and basically I would of beat me up as a kid! All jokes aside, it went on for 5 years pretty much the same guys. I started in 92 in one high school but by 94 and by 96 I had shot to 6ft2in and wasn't fat anymore and the bullies backed away which was nice. I had moved to another where my friends were, probably one of the only good things to happen my school life. My middle bro had left for uni, so it was just me and my manic mother at home, who was in bed pretty much all the time. That was tough. I was cook, cleaner, shoulder to cry on, trying to be a kid, go to school, figure life out for myself. By 1997, a year before I was supposed to finish high school I had enough of my mother and in a very self serving, making it appear im doing her a favour, to move out to her cottage in the country that she loved so much. It genuinely did do her so much good to go there. Because our town home was basically in the Irish version of a project. So I just played on that and knew how to work my mom. So she became a visitor every now and then to what was now 'my' home at 17 years old and still over a year to finish high school! What could go wrong. Right thats the situational background I suppose, if you read above youre probably wondering whats so bad. Now comes, me, the madness of me. I knew from my mid teens that there was something very different about me. All of the following are basically my character traits and behaviours. I was always a hyper, pretty happy kid till about 6/7 I guess they really started to manifest themselves from about 6/7 onwards I suppose. 1. Rage, uncontrollable. I would lose my ****. Bust doors, slam them over and over and over again, screaming til I burnt myself out. 2. I lost interest in the world periodicaly, lose myself in tv/video games(theres is no problem with either, and they can be very benefical to development etc its. how you use them is key). 3. For a year or so when I was about 8, I would lose my ****, rage beast, and I would walk right up to whatever family member/relative was in my line of sight or all of them, and scream, "IIIIII WIIIISSSHH IIIIII WAASSS DDDEEAAADDD", over and over and over. Noone ever knew what to do with me. 4. I started stealing from my relatives from about 8/9, almost a klepto. **** I didnt want or need, but I always stole money too. And I ALWAYS got caught. 5. I stated acting out sexually a small bit doing things with boys and girls my age about 9yr but when I was about 10/11. Maybe that's normal but I was always the instigator and some stuff I dont think I should've known at that age and no internet porn back then. 6. About 12/13yrs old I killed a load of birds just because and was always a little bit cruel to my pet dog Sally but I love animals and haven't hurt any since 7. The further into my teens I got the darker my sexual brain worked, I would think things , things I havent told anyone ever because its impossible to talk to anyone about them. I don't know how they got in there. It really confuses me, because I grew up in a tiny town in Ireland with limited exposure to media. I just dont know. The closer I got to 19 I had constant anxiety in my, I was totally neurotic, I felt disconnected from every human and still do for the most part. I was so wild by 16 my mom couldnt handle me so she shipped me off to my Dad, new town, new school, new friends. He couldnt handle me, I pushed him to his limit after almost only 10 months. Result. Parents meet me in hotel to talk about me. They tell me this and that. I stand up give them both the middle finger, storm out of the hotel, spent then next while walking and hitching back to my home town and break into the my home and refuse to leave. Things calm down, mom cant take anymore again. Moves me into lodgings in a ****ing weird house, with a strange family who turn out to be total alcoholics. That last 6 months. I break into my home again, mom comes back. I turn 17 and move my mom out, like I mentioned above. Some traits I am happy my ****ed up life gave me, I am not talking myself up here, but I have a cut-throat razor sharp humour, got me out of more fights then my fists. I can make friends easily, although I cant do small talk or relate to people, my humour is my mask and my only social tool. The following I do not see a problem with, except maybe cigarettes and certain drugs. When used correctly they can give you amazing experiences. Unfortunately, I have a hyper-addictive personality especially when it comes to anything related to escapism. 7. Started drinking when I was 14, smoking weed 17. 17-19- Got high with my friends, lived on pop tarts and ceral with water. Flunked high school. Expected. 19 - 24 - Move another 10 or so times, whenever I leave I always end up back with my friends. I was a DJ in a lap dancing club, trainee chef(this is the one I regret not sticking with but I am a wicked cook now), worked umpteen jobs, never lasted more than a few months at a time. Started multiple courses trying to get some kind of education. Always money trouble, never enough, scrounging here there and everywhere. countless calls to my mom, pleading for rent money, same to my dad, brothers, anyone. Money is my weakness, I do not know how to manage it. I am always broke and whenever i get some it all goes in a flash. This was also the time when between 2001 - 2004, I was dropped off the planet as far as my family was concerned and spent 3 years partying solidly. 3-4 days a week. Ecstasy, cocaine, speed, lsdEcstasy, cocaine, speed, lsdEcstasy, cocaine, speed, lsdEcstasy, cocaine, speed, lsdEcstasy, cocaine, speed, lsdEcstasy, cocaine, speed, lsdEcstasy, cocaine, speed, lsdEcstasy, cocaine, speed, lsdEcstasy, cocaine, speed, lsdEcstasy, cocaine, speed, lsdEcstasy, cocaine, speed, lsdEcstasy, cocaine, speed, lsdEcstasy, cocaine, speed, lsdEcstasy, cocaine, speed, lsdEcstasy, cocaine, speed, lsd Ecstasy, cocaine, speed, lsd, alcoholalcoholalcoholalcoholalcoholalcoholalcoholalcoholalcoholalcohol alcoholalcoholalcoholalcoholalcoholalcoholalcohol everything pretty much except hard ones like heroin etc. no needles thanks. It was so tough, always owing money, no security, living with friends, living with strangers, constantly choosing partying over myself/food/rent/bills. I developed a really bad habit, my friends would say about me" Ya hes the nicest guy in the world but its only a matter of time before he ****s you over", i would get myself into rediculous situtaions, usually over money with all my friends over and over and over, id owe them money and avoid them when all it would take was a straight up conversation and all would be well. That is because I have a chronic fear of confrontation/arguements, it has caused me so much trouble over the years. Im a big guy but im so afraid. Eldest brother stops speaking to my mother forever blames her for all his lifes problems. Now i know what you are thinking, oh yeah, its all the partying has fried your head. It probably didnt help any but I have always felt like this. 25 - 30 - Turning point - I had enough!!!!! If i stay in my home town I would probably be dead now, no joke. That was the only time I came close to ending it all. Time to get ones **** together. I got to university, get my Bachelors Degree in 2010, go straight into a Masters degree. Finished college 2011 for good and since then ive been trying to make a living. During my BA - I actually ace my first year, despite so much craziness. Then I decend into my usual pattern. Things go well - im doing well. Things go bad - im doing bad. Just about pass 2nd year. 2007/8 - Anxiety goes critical - I **** up royaly. Insomnia for a year. Panic attacks, blackouts. First full on panic attack I had, I thought I was actually dead. horrible. Nightmares, fear. Please note my dreams have always been extremely, messed up vivid and lucid ad ive learned to enjoy there craziness. I wake up laughing sometimes. This was something else. AND THIS IS WHERE MY UNCONFIRMED IDEA I WAS ABUSED COMES INTO BEING and i know listening to other peoples dreams is boring crap but this has haunted me and opened this idea in my head since. I will remember this nightmare for the rest of my life. Long story short there is a big house/castle/fort, ive seen this a few times over the years in my dreams but never paid it any attention. Its so scary. Anyway it ends with me running into this sealed off room, like noone wants to to be found. And when I get in there, this bald man's head turns around and I never forget this bit. When he turns I have never felt so much fear in my life before, its so hard to explain. I tried to scream but nothing comes out. I knew that man, i ****ing knew him. If i could script it it would be one of the most horrifying horror scenes ever made. I woke up paralysed with it. I couldnt move and then burst into tear. Thinking about it ever since, Ive been trying to figure out who that guy is, I also genuinly sometimes tell myself before I got to sleep at night please do not dream of him tonight. Ive been back in the house/castle/fort many times since and come close to that room but I dont think ive seen him since but the image is burnt into my brain. When I was 6/7, my best friend at the time was another weird kid from my neighbourhood. Everyone knew there was something odd about the family but particularly the his dad. I have flashes of him leading us upstairs but I could be creating them myself. I stopped being friends with that kid dont remember why but it was kinda sudden i think but when I was a teenager i remeber rumors going around parts of town the my ex-friends dad used to touch kids. Whether thats just small town gossip about an odd with a wig comes in. Oh yes, the wig, thats where his big bald head comes in from my 09 back to uni 10 Fin Uni - Start Masters 11 Fin Master There is so much I have left out of course but thats it and of course there were various relationships along the way all of them didnt work out. And I have left a wake of broken bridges, bad credit, bad blood, all the bads, all entirely unintentionally. Maybe its just my ****ed up life that made me this way. I dont know! PLEASE HELP |
 blueredgrey, doctorwho737, FacingMyPast, kindachaotic, ShiningLight, SkyWhite
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 ShiningLight
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#2
May 01, 2014, 07:09 AM
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You've been through so much and come so far! Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are starting to act instead of react. How did it feel to write all that down?
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#3
May 01, 2014, 09:53 AM
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Dear,
A scientist once conducted an experiment where he let some children in an open but secluded ground. He built a fence to mark a boundary. The children played all over the ground. In another experiment, the psychologist just removed the boundaries. The children somehow played closer to each other and did not spread out, even though lots of empty ground was available. Children like boundaries. Children like security. Children often request to listen or read the same story over and over again, because they find a comfort in the familiarity of the story. Clearly, the constant moving and uncertainty of a stable home has affected you a lot. You did not have parents who could provide you with unconditional love. Your recurring dream of bald men and memories of being led by your friend's father may indicate sexual abuse. Your childhood sounds really unstable and traumatic. But the good news is, you know your problems. That's half the battle won. Now, it's time to get help for it. Please start seeing a therapist. It takes a few tries to find the right therapist. Don't see therapy as a luxury but rather a necessity, a person who would help you heal your wounds and help you live your life to the fullest. We're here to help you in any way we can! But consulting a therapist is necessary. We all here have been wounded some way or another. A sick mind cannot cure a sick mind. Honestly, given all the chaos in your life, you deserve a pat on your back for completing Masters. Hope you are in a happy job and hope you are no longer doing drugs. good luck! |
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#4
May 03, 2014, 07:35 AM
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Quote:
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#5
May 03, 2014, 07:38 AM
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Quote:
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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