[00642]

Am I being unreasonable?
Like, honestly, what do you think?
I guess I should probably give a bit of background here.

For quite a few years, my older brother sexually abused me. When I finally told somebody, I was sixteen - very close to seventeen - and social services and the police got involved. He was made to leave the family home whilst the case was ongoing - basically, until I "decided" on whether or not I wanted to press charges, etc. My parents didn't want the police involved and at the time, I guess I didn't either. As soon as I turned seventeen, there was no more social services involvement and the police had no case either - seriously, I had a social worker for like three weeks - and he moved back in.
Since then, I've had nothing to do with him. I don't speak to him, look at him, even acknowledge his existence because he's not relevant to my life.

Lately, it's like he's been forced back into my life. I had to go to the doctors the other day and so did he - miraculously, the appointments were ten minutes apart so we ended up going in the car together with my parents. I can't stand the fact that we were in that close proximity, to be honest, but I didn't make a fuss. I just did what I always did and ignored him.
The next day it was my mum's birthday so on special occasions, I understand it's one of those things where I have to tolerate him, like I did last christmas. I had to sit around a table with him. Then today, I go to the shop with my mum to meet my sister and he suddenly shows up at Asda like "Oh, Dad said you were here." He NEVER goes shopping with us. Ever. So why he suddenly felt the need, I don't know. I felt so uncomfortable. I'd walk behind my mum, who was pushing the trolley and he was in front but he'd make it so he was behind her so I'd automatically move away from him and after five minutes I was getting so grumpy. Then I had to sit in the car with him home.

I understand that my mum wants to make it seem like we have a perfect family as well and that we're both her kids but sometimes, I get annoyed with her about things. Like saying, "Oh, go and ask ______ " and I just glare at her and sit down. And I've been entering this competition on a website lately where you enter four people's names to get a gift and she said "Oh, put ______ name down for one of them" and I'd already done the competition twice that day so I went "I'm bored of it, you do one." and she went "Just cause I said put _______" and I was like "....." because to be honest, that wasn't really the reason. The reason was that she wasn't understanding that the name's mean nothing even though I'd told her three times and she knows I can't stand HIM anyway so why even bring him up? It's like she wants me to talk to him and I'm sorry but I'm not.

If she wants us all to live in this house, it's this way because although I wouldn't say the abuse is as much an issue for me now as it once was, I still haven't forgotten and he's not sorry for it. To forgive someone, I think they have to be sorry or at least understand they were wrong but he just walks around all smug, as if it's his right. There are other things that have made me feel like this but I'm getting lazy typing.

Am I being unreasonable to just want to be left in peace away from him? Do you think I should be all "pally-pally" with him? I'm not hostile towards him - I just can't bring myself to speak to him. Admittedly, if I'm kicking up a fuss about not being able to find something and he passes it in my direction, I'll mumble the tiniest thanks but that's it.

Also, I do love my mum and my dad. It's just some things get to me so..

I don't even really need an answer for this, to be honest. I think I just needed a rant about it, sorry :L

How old are you now? Is there any opportunity for you to move out? Share a flat with a friend, etc?

I find it sad that just because you are 17 no one seems to think you deserve any assistance? Are you in therapy?

[00642]

I'm nineteen now so it all came out quite a while ago but I'm just sick of being made out to be the bad guy for not wanting to engage in any sort of conversation or interaction with him.

I wouldn't say I was financially able to move out just yet, to be honest. Maybe one day in the next few years, I'll be in a better position. Overall, life at home doesn't bother me; it's just him really but I suppose you gotta take the bad with the good.

I'm not in therapy anymore. My sixth form were really good when it came out and I got put in counselling there and when they realised that I could do with more help, they helped set up doctor's appointments and an appointment with the mental health team - my head of sixth form even came with me to the first one; she was great but when I finished sixth form, I wasn't in counselling anymore and my sixteen weeks with the psychologist I was with at the point finished and I haven't been back in therapy since. God knows, I think I should've been a few times but I guess it's hard to pick up the phone to try and admit you need help again.

[skeksi]

I'm sorry you have to go through that. I can relate, some--my brother was violent with me and I tried to address it once with my parents as an adult and I was completely dismissed. I said how much I hate seeing my brother and it was treated like I was the unreasonable one--from their perspective it's much easier for me to keep my mouth shut so we can look the happy family.

I do think you should gather your courage to call for therapy again. A therapist could help you find a way to try to address it again with your parents, if you wish, or could also help you make a plan to become more independent so that you do not have to live with him.

I well remember my last few years living with my brother, when I wanted out so bad and couldn't go. It was very painful. I'm sorry you are stuck in that situation. You WILL get out and feel better again.

[blueredgrey]

Dear 00642,

I'm so sorry your brother sexually abused you. But I am really mad at your parents........I don't think they are getting the gravity of the situation .

You were sexually abused and they expect you to live in the same house as your abuser???? I guess like all dysfunctional families - they are more bothered about coming across as "normal" family to the society. It's like they are turning a blind eye.

How old was your brother when he abused you?? When a child does something wrong, then an adult is responsible. Is there any way your brother was sexually abused himself and he took out all his frustrations on you??

You really, really need some family therapy....and a therapist needs to figure out why your brother abused you and why your family is trying to take it so lightly and turning a blind eye to your sufferings.

Is there a chance your brother can be forced to move out ....or can you move out (with your parents paying for it.....till you can afford your own place)

For you to heal and have healthy emotional development, it's essential that you are in a safe happy environment and your parents need to create that environment for you.

Please talk to your family about family therapy, if you cannot move out on your own. Your brother also needs some serious therapy.

You've gone thru something traumatic and what you are going thru right now can be very distressful. There is nothing wrong in seeking help if you need it. Somehow society, media have created a certain image that people who seek help from mental health professional are weak

Pls seek therapy without delay, preferably a family therapy.

Wishing you good luck and all my love!