[growlithing]

I feel myself completely shutting down. I had a bad dream the other day and ever since, I've been having these weird memories of something that could be CSA. I don't even know what to do with it though because they are so fuzzy and unclear. I'm not even sure if they are real memories or just thoughts. Like I could just be imagining all of this and I really don't know.

I have some spotty images of my father coming into my room at night and other spotty images of him wiping me at some age over 4 years old in the middle of the family room and it hurt. I remember being very scared of being left alone with men throughout my entire life because I was afraid they would SA me.

I just don't know what do to with this. I'm not even sure if they are real memories or not and I feel so guilty to even think that this might have happened. I'm accusing someone in my head who could be totally innocent. Well, innocent of SA. I know he PAed me. And emotional. And he was neglectful. But these memories are haunting me 24/7 and I just have this overwhelming bad feeling that maybe something happened. I've always had this feeling it's just now that I'm thinking about it.

My therapists think it's definitely a real possibility that something happened just based on my history of other types of abuse and my behavior but they obviously won't tell me that they think it happened or not. I just feel so disgusting and frustrated. Why is this happening?

[kaliope]

it is so hard when we have fragments of memories and symptoms that lead us to believe something happened but no concrete evidence that something happened. what I did was just accept that something happened to me without knowing what, knowing that my mind is doing its best to protect me from the trauma I felt I didn't need to remember the details. I just needed to deal with the symptoms I am experiencing today as a result of my past traumas. I gave up a long time ago trying to remember what happened to me. I wasted so many years searching for my past and it made me miserable. I didn't need that in my life any more. I got better when I let go of trying to remember. take care.

[Purple Heart]

Hi growlithing

Time will reveal the truth. You have to be patient so the memories can arise to the surface. It's like driving through fog, you have to keep going until youu see the picture clearly. Allow yourself to experience the emotions and in time you will find the truth.