[Terraminator]

I just found out I was sexually abused today. Honestly, I don't feel like this is even real. I feel like this is something that could never happen to me, and I never would've known it until I found the drawings from when I was four or five. They were depictions of naked people doing inappropriate things that no child should know about at that age. There were pictures of me and a man engaging in sexual activities. I was mortified but still didn't immediate assume. Then I went back to when I had nightmares of my dad raping me, of men chasing me and doing things. (My dad was NOT the one who did this, it was just my fear of men in general) I now have this irrational fear of men that carries over to now. I'm fifteen going on sixteen, but I just feel...I don't know. Almost in shock. Certain things trigger certain memories. One song in particular makes me scared to death, and I picture a dark daycare room. I don't know who did it or what happened or when or where, but I know it happened. And I know that my parents have no idea and would not believe me, I'm sure, if I were to tell them. It's like...surreal, pretty much.

I still managed to laugh and smile a bit today, but it's sticking on my mind like glue. So many things make sense now. I'm really ashamed of some parts. Well for one, I believe I am asexual. Or at least, extremely opposed to sex. It scared me and makes me feel ill, but I can still get aroused, at very bad things though. Things I don't want to mention.

Does anyone know what this is like? Not knowing for most of your life and then suddenly discovering it. There is no doubt in my mind that this happened.

[Leah123]

When I was 15, I began to recall sexual abuse as well, somewhat like you describe, though not exactly. I was living with the person. I reported them when I was 16. It was a traumatic experience.

My advice to you, as someone who struggled terribly hard with disclosing, who lost my family over it and is dealing with some of it still, is to find someone trustworthy, who will not jump to conclusions.

What you have are drawings, nightmares, and a fear reaction to a song and the image of daycare. I know it is a very disturbing feeling to see drawings like that and have such dark, terrifying dreams. Take those things and do not try to add to them. Our minds can make mistakes when we try to force them to fill in blanks, because memories fade, blur, blend and sometimes warp over time.

Work on your fears, work on your nightmares, take them at face value, for what they are, fears, nightmares, pictures, until you feel better about them. Don't try and write a whole story when what you have now are sentences. This will help your healing and allow anything that *needs* to come up, to come up, without being corrupted by the urgings of other people to "figure out" all the details that may be lost in time, or to accidentally mash up or invent additional issues or memories, which can commonly happen when we go on mental witch hunts for abuse history.

I am very very sorry you're struggling.

I hope you will take it slow and gentle, and work with someone extraordinarily careful and caring to feel better.

Hi there.
I don't have much advice to give or anything. But I just wanted to let you know that I understand how you're feeling and I hope that you're able to find help to get some closure with this. I can relate to finding inappropriate drawings and having nightmares.

Have you spoken to a therapist about what happened? Or a counselor?
Even talking here about it could be helpful.

[Leah123]

P.S. Regarding feeling asexual and sometimes aroused by things that trouble you, I hope you will not worry about this, but accept yourself, be very gentle and caring toward yourself. As you get older, you'll learn that no fantasies are inherently harmful. It is ok to be turned on by anything, as long as you are not acting out fantasies in real life that hurt you or someone else. As you give yourself permission to have your thoughts (gently and over time) you will find it gets easier to change the things that turn you on to things you enjoy more.

There are people out there to help you work through these things. It can be hard to find them at 15, and hard to wait, but it does get much much better.

[Rosondo]

Yeah it's tough, I was abused for a number of years in a relationship I had. It's not that I was not aware, like memories of sexual abuse during early childhood. I was aware of the behavior. I just did not call it abuse. When a therapist did, I did not believe them. I felt mad. I thought the T was wrong. Like I had no problem with it, it was not the issue I was there to discuss (which was PTSD), but then this abuse stuff came up and was so annoying. I really did not want to deal with it. Because that was exactly when I needed the support of the person (the one abusing me) the most!

[pjgowtham]

I really feel bad this happened to u . Just fast forward 10 years from today. You will hardly remember any of these. Fast forward to 40 years. You probably will be busy with your family life. Time will heal things. My advice will be dont ever let such darkness consume you. Your e stronger than what you think you are. take care.

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[Terraminator]

Thanks everybody. That's kind of what I was thinking...to try and distract myself, so hopefully I can forget over time. It hardly seems real to me anyway. It's like if I found out my parents were aliens That would be extremely hard to believe, yet you might still sort of believe it cause the proof is in front of your eyes. It's kind of like that. But at the same time, if I try to forget it and pretend I was just a weird kid who drew weird pictures, no big deal, then I think the nightmares will go away and I won't be so concerned. My life has been okay anyway. I do have depression and PTSD, but it's because of another issue. I also got Dissociative amnesia, that was also due to the other incident. Maybe I am just paranoid and working myself up because of all these prior issues.

Sometimes what helps is that I can pretend like it was a movie I watched. With the other thing that gave me PTSD, I try to act like it was in a book I read or movie I watched. That's only when I do get flashbacks and stuff. Mostly, I don't remember what the exact details were.

Thank you to everybody. You're all really kind and understanding