[thissillygirl]

So I'm apologizing in advance, this is going to be long.
Day 1 I was born 3 1/2 months early so put in an incubat or drugged,and not held for months. (separation from the start)
when I was little I was always very shy and my heart jumped a lot b.c of anxiety.
My mom and dad split up when I was 3 & I remember a cop taking me from my father because my mom said he kidnapped me when he really didn't.
I missed my father forever b.c I didn't understand why I didn't get to have one. my mom was always angry. she is borderline disorder and actually diagnosed.
I have my father's last name but it was always an issue to my mom b.c she was bitter over him. I never knew am I West or Abbs? I knew legally I was Abbs but my mom made me say West. It was always an identity thing and a tie to my father that I held on to.
I'm pretty sure I was sexually abused by a doctor. whether in his practice or not I know that it was not right and I knew then at 3 years old what sex was and that it felt good to touch there. My uncle also spanked me so hard that I had bruises all over my butt and legs. I remember it all and seeing my brother and cousin scared and my aunt yelling "harder!" what I don't understand is why he was in the bed with me in the dark and I was crying for my mom before it all happened. and why I was in the shower with him. This happened around the time the doctor thing happened. I had yeast infections and the last time I went there my mom was told that I had faked it. All these things run through my head daily I can't stop the thoughts because I don't know how to move forward or how to cope.
My mom never talked about anything with me.
I was so shy that I talked like a toddler until I was 12 and so shy and felt so inferior to other kids. I often felt down on myself or stupid even when 6years old because other kids knew more than I did. I never really spoke much not even to teachers but sometimes I would act up and it's like I'm talking without really thinking first.
I used to hide under tables a lot which I believe is connected to being sexually abused. I masturbated at age 4 I remember doing it and having fantasies of being a "sex slave"
I cried over my father until I was 11 when my mom seen me and yelled for me to stop b.c he is never coming back. I did, I sucked it up and quit crying.
My mom was drunk pretty much every night and I always thought she hated me.
I was a sweet quiet kid but always very frustrated and it seemed that when I'd ask for something or asked for help that the answer was most often "no" & the only thing I knew to do was cry which my mom called throwing a fit or being a brat. I know that she shows her live in a different way but really I just needed some attention and to feel loved. my grandma has always been there for me and I called her a lot.
At 13 my mom was drinking pretty much every night and still no job so we were always living off gov assistance. I wouof tell her to please turn down the music because I had school and it always resulted in a screaming match. She'd call me a name and it hurt so I'd cry and run to my room. At this point I started to really hate myself and often would sit in my room for hours crying. Now I believe that to be anxiety I did not know how to cope with. At that age the self esteem wasn't great but I was so shy I didn't know anyone at school and felt alone all I knew was my mom and brother and I couldn't talk to them. we communicated through notes and my brother was starting to use drugs.
This went on for years and I had a friend named Stephanie. she was actually rather rude to me but also we were good buds. Her parents said they didn't like me at first b.c I talked like a baby and her friend really hated me. and was really mean. So I sat in my mirror and taught myself how to push more air out of my lungs so I could talk better. also the confidence was an issue. Stephanie's mom started realizing what kind of household I lived in so had her door open always for me. I could stay over at anytime and they bought me clothes sometimes just on weekends b.c Stephanie got to go shopping a lot. That was something I was very unused to so I'd pick the cheapest smallest thing I could find.
in high school I now noticed the symptoms of anxiety and bipolar relevant.
I used to SI b.c at first it was "cool"(I guess) to me. but honestly it felt terrible but at the same time. I hated a lot about myself. and would leave school saying I was sick but really b.c I felt like nobody wanted me around. I hated being at school I felt really stupid and sometimes in the halls with everyone around me I'd realize how alone I was. how uncool I felt. everyone seemed better than me. And Id burst into tears right there in the hall and run to the bathroom and sit there for so long. Stephanie didn't understand this and told me I was faking it. b.c I was happy I was faking the sadness said. At this point I walked to her house everyday to take her bus b.c I didn't want to take mine b.c I didn't know anyone. I also had most clothes at her house for years b.c I pretty much went home only a few nights a week. I even used their spare room and bed. I'd sometimes walk there at 3/4 a.m b.c my mom was being rude or I couldn't sleep or really just felt like doing something. I'd walk in the snow with only sneakers on I made myself. I was an "emo kid" all my stuff was stitched up. I drew a tear drop on my cheek every day..... as embarrassing as that is. I really wasn't faking the sadness..
Stephanie ended up just not talking to me at all one day. even though I still lived with her for a month! her mom had talked about possibly emancipation me if I could get a job. And Stephanie responded with "I don't want a sister"
I really had no idea what to do.... so I just stuck around until her mom said I probably should pack my things.
Soon after, I found out what vodka taste like. loved it. And nobody knew where I was for 3 days. I was 16. Not a bad girl but I did walk really far with a girl I thought was friend to a boys house and walked in a blizzard before getting drunk.
I really didn't care. They all smoked weed and I still didn't. just had a drink or so and I remember feeling like I had just woken up but everyone said I was sitting there the whole time!
that would be called blacked out lol
I drank a lot for long time. I'd down a fifth of vodka to myself... I'm 5foot 95lbs. there was no blood in my alcohol...
actually met my father a few weeks after turning 16 which was crazy b.c he found me on MySpace and gave me a phone in the mail (I never had a cell phone that wasn't always running out of barely any minutes) & he gave me $100 & took me to dinner. he bought a lot of things and gave me $20 every week which I openly told him I'd spend on booze or pot. that's kind of our relationship real open I can't not the guy things.
they seen me drunk a lot. picked me up at 3 a.m if I needed and fed me. like the parents I never had. literally.
anyway this is probably the longway life story anyone's read...
I'll be 21 Sunday the 29th and really I'm done drinking lol earlier this year I drank for in a long . whole fifth and we'll wrecked my car. I'm done doing stupid things.....
but now I am actually a stripper....yea my shy self conscious self! I recently started doing cocaine which I don't know if it's helping me or just costing me cash. or if it's really a bad thing. I think the dancing has helped mellow me. I don't like partying, I get an adrenaline rush on stage. great workout and helps reduce the anxiety a lot. although I know it's probably damaged my psyche there's pros and cons to it all.
and that's basically my life story. is it that ****ed . up?

[kaliope]

hi thissillygirl
it sounds like you have had a rough life and you are using substances to escape the pain. if you want something better for yourself, try counseling. perhaps your dad could help you. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome.

[Harley47]

Hi there.

I do have to agree with Kaliope, it does sound like you're turning to substances to escape the pain. The thing about doing that is it doesn't *really* help, you know? The pain is still there...it's just covered up. It's like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. It might cover it up and make you forget it's there for a bit, but the wound is still there. The best thing you can do would be to seek out a therapist, who, keeping with the analogy, could gradually help you treat the wound itself. You owe yourself that much.

I won't comment much on alcohol, as I feel like done in moderation and responsibly that isn't too much of a big deal. I would rely on the therapist to help you with moderation and making sure it's alcohol use instead of abuse. I would stress that it be done moderately and responsibly, and not as an escape, but it can be done without it being a mask. Same thing for the marijuana, in all honesty (is it legal in Washington state? Most of the Western states seem to be gradually getting warmed up to it, unlike the East). What concerns me, however, is the cocaine. Cocaine is an awful drug. The reason I don't call my father "dad" anymore is a result of his cocaine abuse. It tore my family apart. I don't want you to suffer what my father suffered through because of that damnable drug. And that's not even getting into the health detriments, such as a deviated septum. I can't stress enough how much I would, out of concern for you, like to see you off that.

It does sound like you may've experienced sexual abuse. I can't comment much on the doctor, but the incidents with the uncle raises a huge red flag to me. The memory gaps may be a result of your brain repressing the memories of what happened in an effort to protect itself. I won't lie and say it's going to be easy potentially unearthing those memories, but confronting the past and working through it with a professional is one of the best things you can do for yourself. It's a long road, but the road is worth it.

But your question still remains...is it that ****** up? Given all you've been through, I admire your courage. No, things aren't perfect...I do think you're masking the pain with substance abuse, and (and please, with all due respect. I have absolutely no intention to judge or criticize) I am fearful your profession might exacerbate your pain. But you have the self courage and determination to bear your problems to us, which in itself takes a lot of courage to talk about. You've proven, historically, that if you can identify a problem, you're willing to go to great lengths to fix it. You, at a young age, basically retraining yourself how to speak takes a hell of a lot of determination and commitment. That speaks a lot to your capacity for self improvement and your intellect (and wit. I'll confess I laughed out loud over the "blood in alcohol" quip ).

I think, ultimately, you've been a survivor of circumstances that no one should have to endure, and you've done the best you can in making the best of it. It's not a perfect process...very rarely is it. But you're trying, and that in and of itself is a lot. If you can just keep up that effort and extend it just a little further, I think you're capable of the healing you deserve, and for great things overall.

If I can be of any help, please don't hesitate to PM me. Until then, know you're in my prayers and that I wish you all of my best.

Hugs,
Harley