[Hopefull]

My step-father is in the hospital with a heart attack. I think he will get out soon. I am glad that he lived (they had to re-start his heart more than once). However, I find that I have been spending more time thinking about my relationship with him.
I sometimes wish he would apologize for some of the things that he said and did when I was a kid. He said that I am too stupid to be a doctor. He would yell at me for not following his orders quickly enough. Sometimes people remind me of him and I feel a strong sense of anger maybe even hatred. I was scared of him at times as a kid. A guy scared me real good at the store that I used to work at. He was mad at his son because he lost a gift certificate for a turkey. I couldn't understand why he had the son carrying the gift certificate. I could tell that he was very mad at his son for losing it and felt chills run down my spine. I was so relieved when they left. A co-worker ended up calling the police because she saw him yelling at his son about it out in the parking lot.
But, I kind of love him at the same time. He defended me at times when I wasn't there. He bragged to people about us behind our back. He cared about us in his own way.
But, my parents' standards were so high that I could never please them. I still wish I could make them proud of me at times.
He was willing to work for thirty years in a crappy car factory to support my mom and us. He could have chose to never marry her because of her kids. But, he married her and took us in.
But, he tried to teach us things by yelling at us. He made my brother stand in front of us and read the paper aloud. This was how he tried to teach my brother to read better ( I think I remember this. I have no memories before fourth grade. So I might be mistaken here. I might ask my brother if he was ever forced to read in front of us.) My step-father taught my sister to drive. He would punch her in the shoulder everytime she got too close to the side of the road. He prefered that a driver stay towards the middle of the road. My mom prefered to stay towards the side of the road. By the end of the practice, my sister's shoulder would be sore. I refused to let him teach me how to drive because I thought I would run us both off the side of the road in an attempt to kill us both. He stuck us in the twelve foot water side of a pool to try to teach us to swim. He just tended to scare you/yell at you/make you feel suicidal etc.
My mom was nicer but still anoying. She tended to slap you if she thought you were going to complain about how they treat you. I mean what kid doesn't complain sometimes when their mom/dad/step-parent says, "No?" I never felt like I could complain about any of how they treated us. I sometimes wonder if that is why I tend to deny things and not deal with things when they come up.

[FaithisAlive]

Its rough having love and hate for one person..... kinda like pingpong.. back and forth all the time... i know...

I am learning to love the person and hate the things they did.. and then too I have learned to accept that I had a bad father and a good one..

Your step dad probably did with you what was done with him... he didn't know any other way to raise up kids... not that its okay to do some of the things he did...

but if you could know how he was raised and how his parents treated him then it can help you understand his actions more.

I hope you find peace of mind... Faith