[TessaWinter]

I was abused by a family member from the time I was seven to the time I was fourteen. I was always too scared to tell anyone about it, because I always felt like I was the problem. I got out of the situation but it left me with a lot of scars and I had a tendency to date the wrong guys when I was younger.

At 18 I met a guy who I thought was different. He was kind and understanding. We dated for a year and a half when we got engaged, and set a wedding date for six months later since he was leaving for the military and we wanted to be married before he had to leave. During this stage I started to notice he had angry outbursts, but I dismissed them as stress over the wedding and his impending career.

Now, at 23 I realized that once again I have fallen for the wrong guy and his anger wasn't over stress. He was really good at hiding that from me until after the ring was on my finger. There was a time where he got angry at me, I started to cry and tried to leave but he took my keys to my car and told me if I tried to leave he would chase me down and run my car off of the road. We were in another state at his duty station and I had no where to go. I stayed, he just kept yelling. The next day he apologized and promised to change.

He hasn't kept that promise.

Because of my abuse as a child, I have emotional issues. He got angry over those so I try really hard to hide them from him and don't talk to him about it anymore. He sees it as my families fault and that he shouldn't have to deal with it. However, his anger that he promised to fix have just gotten worse. He feels he doesn't need to fix them anymore.

Since then he has beat our dog and sent him into shock. I told him that he needed to take him to the emergency vet and explained what happened when he told me that I needed to make sure he was okay (I have a medical background). He refused, and instead told me it would be my fault if he died. Then he has tried to tell me that he is so angry all the time because I do nothing to help him when he's upset. I do try to help him, but he shuts me down every time.

Somehow, his anger is usually always my fault according to him.

He tells me that if he can't yell or scream, that he'll end up redirecting his anger and beating me or the dog and it's my choice what happens...he's already beat the dog. That's one thing off the list of options he gave me.

He may have to get out of the military now, and is panicking about it. He told on multiple occasions that if it happens he's going to take his own life, or if I were to leave he would do it as well. It scares me, and he knows it bothers me but he continues to say it.

I still love him, he's my husband. I truly thought he was a different person though, and I'm beginning to worry that I may be in danger. Part of me though does think that it's my fault but I know from experience that that's part of the abuse...

I just don't know what to do, I need help.

[kaliope]

hi tessawinter
I think that you know you are in an abusive situation. as you said, he has already crossed one off the list, how long before he is beating you? do you want to wait that long? contact advocates to end domestic violence. make an escape plan. you may love him, but love yourself more. if you don't, get into counseling until you do. you need to get out before you become a statistic. there are shelters you can go to that will keep you safe until you can get on your feet. please take care of yourself. welcome to psych central. you will find that we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome.

[nicoleflynn]

Most abusers rarely change, so you have to advocate for yourself. Call the National Domestic Violence hotline, womens shelter; they can give you good advice. The abuse is NOT your fault. Abuse is a choice, always a CHOICE. He has issues you cannot help him with. Hurting animals is a HUGE red flag. you can google domestic violence on the net and get a lot of information. Please do not be a statistic. Thousands of women are murdered every year and when yo are in it, it always doesn't seem as dangerous as it really is. Abuse is literally brainwashing and that is why you feel so confused; abusers blame the victim always and take no responsibility for their behavior.

Abuse is about one thing and one thing only: CONTROL; he is using emotional blackmail to keep you with him (suicide threats, etc). I hope you will get help immediately and above all, don't let him know anything you are doing; you need a safety plan. The verbally abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. you cannot help him; he has issues he needs to deal with (and doubtful he ever will)so you must help/save yourself. 1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted in their lifetime and it all begins with verbal abuse. He is dangerous and you need to get help immediately.