[athena.agathon]

And how do you manage relationships with them? Or how did you disengage if you don't manage relationships with them? At this point, I don't feel like I have real justification for cutting them off; I would really be the bad guy if I did that. I think I really, really need to disengage emotionally from my parents but can't shake the feeling I need to try and have a good relationship with them and that I am a failed daughter if things don't work or if I decide to throw in the towel. (I'm 26 and not financially dependent on them; occasionally my mom gives me some money and this is part of why I feel guilty and ungrateful.) I always walk away from talking to them feeling like ****, which my therapist points out is probably a sign that our relationship is not that good for me. At the same time, I feel pretty guilty/ungrateful because I know I had it way better than a lot of people and that I'm lucky to have my parents. I know they love me (they are just dysfunctional). No one prostituted me/tried to stab me/locked me in a closet/got me hooked on drugs. It was all very middle class, run of the mill physical abuse and telling me what a hateful/selfish/worthless little slut I was.

I keep making the mistake of trying to get validation from my parents and IT IS POINTLESS and I have to stop. It's like this never ending hamster wheel of me practically begging them to be supportive, act proud of me or even like they are the least bit interested in my life and even though I know that I'm going to feel hurt, I just keep trying. Every time I so much as talk to my dad, I get triggered as hell and then feel like a huge @sshole.

My dad: "Anybody who can't find a job after x number of weeks is lazy and not trying."
me: "I've spent six months applying for anything and everything and interviewing and I still haven't found a full time job."
my dad: (instead of answering me, because he really was insinuating that I'm lazy, like he has been my entire life) "Unemployment is your generation's fault for electing Barack Obama."

This is the way most of our conversations go...I try to avoid hotspots and steer the conversation towards movies, food and household projects and my dad brings in how stupid liberals are with a side of "and you are, too, because you disagree with me." No topic is safe. Fried chicken? Black people like fried chicken! Black people are often entitled liberals! (let's not even start to address the racism happening there...) Refugees from Vietnam? Communists! Barack Obama! It is exhausting...this is a man who "accidentally" broke my nose, gave me black eyes and left hand-shaped bruises on my arms, overlooked it while my uncle molested me because he and my mom were so busy screaming at each other and I am STILL more bothered by his constant attempts to bate me in conversation!

[HazelGirl]

You need to get out of that house ASAP. You may feel like a failure for separating from them, but you aren't. You are in both physical and emotional danger while there. Do you have a therapist to talk to? They can help you through dealing with your family.

[athena.agathon]

hey Hazel, thanks! Yeah, I didn't make this clear at all in my post because I'm just triggered and ranting but I'm 26, have an apartment w/ roomate and an assortment of part-time jobs, and a very nice, helpful therapist who has told me a couple of times recently that he's delighted I'm applying to grad school far away from my parents. I'm trying to figure out if I can keep them in my life in a way that doesn't make me feel like sh&t.

[HazelGirl]

The best way I can see is don't tell them anything about your life that you don't ABSOLUTELY need to share. Think of them as annoying coworkers and not parents. They don't need to see you struggle or see your hurt. They don't need to know how you are doing financially, in school, or in life. They don't need to know anything except the absolute basics. That's how I deal with my own family. I go to other people for support, comfort, advice, or to vent.

[athena.agathon]

Thanks, Hazel. That's really good advice. I think I need to spend my energy on building up the other supportive relationships in my life rather than on them.

[blue_eyes23]

oh man do i agree!!! my family is my main trigger! and i live with them, it is a hard time, but i distance my self as much as possible, to get away from them.

[beauflow]

It doesn't matter if "they see you as the bad guy" what matters is you being happier and healthier.
I have went though my early twenties feeling at times like "the bad daughter" but every time my sisters mention our mom in life nothing has changed with her abusive ways.
There isn't any good or bad child with it. It's what I know I can cope with well and what I can't do very well.
One sister is easier effected by my mom than the other.. Doesn't make one stronger than the other.

And there were a lot of people that I know in real life, in their 50s and 60s that voted for Obama. One could blame corporations off shoring employment for the unemployment in America .. But where does it get one?

Kudos to you for having your own home with a room mate. Part time jobs and trying or thinking about further education.

(In agreement with limiting info too.. Your dad sounds stubborn with the way that it is... So why give him ammo?)

Best wishes your way