[Quarter life]

I've suffered from severe PTSD & debilitating Depression for 25 years. brought on by 'Torture trauma'. It took me 10 years to tell my story to a therapist, and after I told her she treated me differently, she spoke to me differently, she looked at me differently.....I felt like she could see inside me. After a few more sessions, I just couldn't go back, as I felt that the trust had been broken between us.

I think that she felt out of her depth, and would get frustrated with me often. I opened up to a man I had been seeing after being together for 2 years...I had to, as parts of our relationship were dysfunctional. A week later he told me that it was best we stopped seeing each other, as (in his words) 'I didn’t sign up for this' It's not that he was insensitive, it's just that he couldn’t look at me the same way ever again. And I totally get that; I mean how could he not see me differently.

And so after unspeakable trauma, what you’re left with is a mess. Something that sort of resembles a person, but smashed into a million pieces. See, what happened to me is not the kind of trauma that elicits the response 'You poor girl' more like "Get as far away from me as possible'. So I can’t talk to anyone about it, I just can't. I tried writing it all down in a journal, but tore it up out of fear that someone else may read it.

I have been in and out of therapy, on umpteen different medications, ostracised by family, friends and colleagues, and shunned by society in the search for an answer, just an inkling of how to get myself ‘well’. 14 months ago I said ….ENOUGH!….I mean, really, what’s the point of living a ‘quarter life’. A life with constraints put in place by all those that said throughout those 25 years ‘To hell with you, you’re not one of us’. All those lost years of being afraid to live my life because I was told over and over that I didn’t fit in, that I was damaged and therefore not quite good enough.

So all I can do is just endeavour to become someone else, someone that didn’t have this dreadful experience. That's exactly what I've been doing for the past year or so..... reinventing myself, I've even changed my name. I’m wondering, is there anyone else out there that has had success using this strategy as a coping mechanism? I feel quite liberated so far, but what if I’m doing more harm than good? Either way, something has to give because I’ve lost 25 years of my life, and I’ve got to start living again.

[blueredgrey]

I am so sorry for all that you went through.

I think it was very unprofessional of your therapist to just break it off like that. You also need to understand, therapists are like ppl in any other field - some are amazing, some are just okay.

Maybe you should try online counselling. The therapist is anonymous (sort of), you can be more free in opening up....tomorrow if it doesn't work out for any reason, you can always take the email transcripts to a new therapist and carry on from there, instead of starting all over again.

I'd also add that sometimes wounded ppl understand pain better than what any training can train therapists. A Therapist once wrote that abused people may be hurt a lot, but silver lining of the abuse is the gift of empathy. We feel for others when others feel nothing. Only ppl who have been abused can really understand the language of pain. 6 or so months in PC forums have been more healing than 2 yrs of therapy.

But, you cannot rule out the importance of therapists. A sick mind cannot cure another sick mind....we can just understand the pains.

I hope you do find another good therapist and move on in life.
You should also start writing again....this time, start a blog which only you or selected few can read. Writing is healing.

Make the rest of your life the best of your life. good luck.