[TessaWinter]

I made a plan to leave my abusive husband. To clarify he has never laid a hand on me though he has threatened it. However he has a lot of abusive tendencies that he doesn't see anything wrong with. His dad has an anger problem that he grew up around so he thinks its ok, and his mom was abused so I don't think she fully realizes what is going on. She thinks it all is normal and tells me to stay, when everyone else tells me it's wrong and to leave him.

I had made a plan to leave, but then he finally went to anger management after something happened that may get him fired from his job. That is the ONLY reason he's gone. Not for what he's done to me, for beating the dog, for breaking a lot of things around the house...I'm glad he's getting help but once again it worries me that he only went because his job is in jeopardy.

He is seeking help, but I don't know if that is going to fully change him. I'm beginning to feel like I'm crazy and that I'm blowing it out of proportion even though I know I'm not. I'm just so confused.

Help?

[nicoleflynn]

First of all, abusers rarely change unless the feel they do have a problem and spend a lot of time in therapy (by themselves) to work on their issues that cause their anger. A good idea is to go into therapy by yourself. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. It should be read by everyone on the planet, I believe. You are in danger, and when we are in it, we don't really see how dangerous it is. You need to plan for yourself. Usually anger management does not work and NEVER go into therapy with an abuser (long story why). you need to have a safety plan. Call the domestic violence hotline; they can give you a lot of important advice. You are confused because abuse is literally brainwashing'''"crazy-making' behavior. Use all of the resources at your disposal....therapist specifically knowledgable about abuse, National domestic abuse hotline; google verbal abuse, physical abuse, etc., there is a wealth of i nformation on the internet You must protect yourself and not become a statistic; 1 in 3 women are physically assaulted and it all begins with verbal abuse. Abusing animals is a HUGE red flag......not far away from attacking a person. More than likely is is nOW angry at being in anger management; abusers rarely think they are abusive and blame everything on someone else. Your LIFE could be in jeopardy, so PLEASE get help. Don't talk to him about anything he could argue/use against you. Do everything secretly (seeing therapist), making any plans to leave. He isn't interested in what you are feeling or thinking. Hugs, Nicole

[ShaggyChic_1201]

There's 2 very helpful books by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That? and Should I Stay or Go (something like that). They were written just for you (and me and everyone else who has been married to their abuser)

[nicoleflynn]

Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirschenbaum is another excellent resource.

[shabur]

Trust your gut; it's always right.

I suggest you take yourself and your dog and get out. Leave your husband a note explaining why you have left and you will not consider communicating with him until he undergoes individual therapy for his anger and turns his act around. Let him know you will be the one to contact him.

Work with your local Domestic Abuse organization on finding housing as well as a therapist. Find out if there is someone you can use as an intermediary between you and your husband.

Living with your husband and listening to his mother may have you questioning if it's really as bad as you think. ANY type of abuse, regardless of its severity, is inappropriate. Waiting until it progresses could be putting yourself in danger.

I would also suggest talking to your HR Manager in case he comes to your work. They can usually provide assistance when you are at work.

I'm a risk manager so I may be going over the top, but I've seen this happen and I know how scary it is. And as a risk manager I've written company policies on this topic. I believe in taking the steps you need to stay safe.

BE STRONG and take care of yourself.