[lunachild]

I just can't put anything together anymore. I have basically been letting my life live itself. I probably need to be admitted, but I am the only caretaker and I am not to sure if they would let me out anytime soon. I have been diagnosed bi-polar(Axis II), PTSD, social anxiety and I suspect ADD. I am finally getting into therapy in two weeks. I am unmedicated at the present.

My biggest problem seems to be the rage. Rage at myself for not leaving in the first place. I eat my rage which is causing a whole other host of problems. I look at my boy, who took the brunt of the physical abuse, everyday, I deal with what it has done to him, everyday, and I hate myself just a little bit more, everyday, if it is at all possible to hate myself anymore. The guilt and self hatred is overwhelming. I am slowly isolating myself, though I fight it everyday with the halp of friends who make me leave here. I ended up in the hospital last week for a week because of essentially not taking care of my diabetes. I worry this constant stress is going to kill me. I have a constant headache and tightness in my shoulders. I feel like I am in a fog and can't find my way through it. I can't even hear his voice let aline be anywhere in his vicinity. The kids have refused to see him for over a year now and I won't make them. They hate him. My oldest blames me for not saving him and I should have. I have different reasons, but there is no excuse whatsoever. He is in a constant state of rage and he is getting to the point of non-functional. He has counseling but it isn't enough. 1 hour week is not going to heal this. We are devastated and hanging on by a bare thread. Now my youngest son's girlfriends father is taking me back 10 years. I know her mother knows what he is doing to her(she divorced him!) but she isn't stepping up to help her daughter. It is making me sick. It is making him sick. I hope someone can talk to me just for a minute.

[wisewoman]

I am sorry for the horror that is happening. Please be kind to yourself because even if the kids are mad at you now you are all they have, also, you need to stay healthy for yourself. We do things because sometimes it feels like there is no other way. Chat?

[FaithisAlive]

Hi. Welcome... We get trapped in the fear too...we become helpless... and when we look back its easier to see what maybe we should have or could have done differently.. but we can't do that to ourselves...we can drive ourselves into a bad place trying to figure out the what ifs and if only's...

The fact is we can't always make the best choices.. we make mistakes.. we have weak moments.. we are human.. and if you love your children as much as it sounds like you do... then you know in your heart that you never wanted them to be hurting or suffering in any way.Hold on to that.Forgive yourself. They will learn to forgive you too.All you can do is admit your weaknesses.. acknowledge your faults...show your sadness over what they had to live through...and be there for them the best you can now...

Time heals... you MUST take care of yourself.. emotionally and physically so you can be there for your children. You have to earn their trust at this point... and taking care of yourself so you can be there for them is one way you can gain their trust.

Everything is going to be alright... you have survived this far.. and now that you are here where you can have some support of others who know what its like.. you will not have to do this alone...

How long were you with him? How old are your kids?How long since you left him?Tell us your story if you can.. it will help to talk.

Wishing you the best!Faith