[cloudchaser_21]

How successful do you think two people who were abused as children could be at having and raising children together? You always hear stories about the "cycle of abuse" and how people who were abused continue the pattern onto their own children. Have any of you heard of or have a "successful" story?

I don't know if any background in our situation will help but it might just help me a little to get it out there. Here's our story:

My husband and I have been married for six months and we are already talking about having children after our one-year anniversary. I'm terrified of having children though after what I went through in my "childhood" and don't know what kind of parent I will be.

My husband was sexually abused by his mother for three years. She was an alcoholic and his father was in prison during that time. He has since been through therapy, his mother is still in AA and she is also going to school to become a couselor. He has forgiven her and they have a decent relationship now.

Mine was no worse but a little more complicated. The only person I have ever told is my husband so it might feel good to get some of this out, pardon me if I start to ramble. If I just stick to the facts I should be able to do it. I don't know about when it started for me, I think I must have been about four years old. My mother was also an alcoholic and she was promiscuous. When she would have her "boyfriends" over and when they were "finished" and my mom passed out, I would usually be next. I don't know how many times it happened, I don't know how many different men. I never told my mom or anyone else at the time, that young you believe the threats you're told and the main one told to me is that they would kill my mom if I said anything.

This lasted for about two years before my mom married, but the abuse didn't stop. My stepfather picked right up were the others left off. My mother also cheated on him and didn't have anything better to do with me than take me along. This also lasted for about another two years before I finally went to live with my grandparents.

I've never been to a counselor or talked to anyone else about this besides my husband. If I go to a couselor I would have to talk about everything and I can't relive it all again. My husband knows what happened to me in general but I can't speak in specifics. I guess I have lived by the policy "ignore it and it'll go away" but just thinking about having children brings it all back to me. I love children and would love nothing more than to have one of our own but I'm scared to death. Any child of mine would probably be irreversibly screwed up.

Any feedback on this? I'm not looking for permission to have children, I'm just wondering if people who come from the kind of backgrounds as my husband and I have a chance at raising an emtionally healthy, stable child. I have thought about marriage counseling to get a professional opinion but my husband says he's had enough counseling to last a lifetime and we'll be fine without it.

Any thoughts, opinions, advice? Anyone been or is in this situation? Any feedback welcome, thank you for reading.

[Lexicon78]

I think victims of abuse CAN be successful as parents. It's your decision if you want to raise children in a healthy way. You have control over how you want to parent the children. If you are determined to change that cycle of abuse, then it will happen for you. Remember, it's all in the effort you put forth.

[texasclown]

cloudchaser--i understand your questions. let me be clear from the start. i am a survivor of sexual abuse and i am a mental health therapist. those two things will color my response. yes, we hear over and over again about the cycle of abuse. but, like most cycles, it can be broken if you are diligent and concerned enough to do so. i would, however, suggest that you consider therapy. it's no fun, but it is so important. at the very least, i would suggest that you look into a support group for survivors or even alanon (though i think the former is a better choice). you would not necessarily have to talk about "everything." find a therapist skilled in emdr if you can. they are wonderful at helping you process abuse quickly and sometimes completely. another choice would be to seek out a therapist who specializes in short-term, solution focused therapy.

ok, say you don't think these are good ideas. that's your choice. then i would ask you to consider this. if you decide to have children, make a pact with your husband that if either of you even shows signs of acting out abuse, you will get thee to therapy immediately. there's no reason, if you both can handle it, to not allow yourselves the gift of a child or children. but there's even less reason for another child to experience abuse.

i don't know if any of this will be helpful, but it's what i have to offer.

good luck and i hope you let us know what you decide.

btw, you can pm me if you'd like to discuss anything personally.