[Jeanie]

By my description of her to my pdoc, he figured that she had a mood disorder of some sort- likely BPD. Her cruelty was bizzare (well isn't it all) and her punishments went way beyond the 'wrongs" that I had commited. Other times she was fiercely loving, in a crushing kind of way, and it was confusing and traumatising and I hated her but wanted her to be my Mom.

When I was 7, she developed MS and went down fast with that terrible disease. I felt so guilty for my anger and still wanted her love, but could never talk to her.

She died at the age of 50, when I was 24, and I was trying to include her in my own babies' births before she went, but it couldn't happen.

When she died I felt nothing - no grief - but relief that her suffering was over. I still feel numb, even though I know in my mind that I was invalidated, abused, and motherless. I know I need therapy and my T has started with that, but it feels hopeless.

I don't know how much this has contributed to my Bipolar disorder, but my pdoc says that my illness goes back to childhood. Genetic plus stress maybe.

[mlyn]

(((((((((((((Jeanie)))))))))))))))))) Know what it is to long for mothers and even fathers love.
glad you are here!!!!!!

[FaithisAlive]

I'm sorry your mom wasn't able to be the mom you needed her to be;I know that feeling.

I felt relief when my father passed away cuz I thought my suffering was over. I guess it would be safe to say that I feel numb too... i have never felt grief over his death.

I hope you know it wasn't about you... you deserved to be loved and nurtured and protected by your mom, and it was never your fault that she couldn't do that.

Stay strong...Faith