[potterhead6]

Hi.
So it's taking a lot for me to post this in the first place. I really don't want anyone to find out who I am or anything. It's also really hard for me to relive this and bring it out into the open because it's so so hard to talk about. And I just feel uncomfortable, most of the time, talking in person about it.

Okay.
Here's my story. (Well, some of it..)

Basically, when I was younger, I was sexually molested by my brother. There were a few instances; I don't want to talk about them specifically, but I can recall at least two. I hid it from the rest of my family for about ten years. (I'm 16 now) Well, I guess I didn't really hide it as much as I just thought I was crazy for thinking something like that would ever happen. Right? It's something you'd only see in movies or those crime tv shows. Couldn't ever happen to real people, and yet it happened to me.

But let me tell you -- I love my grown up brother so much now. I like to believe that he's completely different - which he is. I guess it's more of me not wanting to think of how he was when he was 7 or 8. It's hard for me to look at pictures of him from then because it brings back memories that I try to keep from my mind all the time.

I only told my family my freshman year of high school. After struggling with self-esteem, social anxiety, anxiety in general, and slight depression problems back in middle school. I was never the popular kid. Heck, I didn't want to be. I just wanted to be a normal kid. Forget everything, y'know. I still want that now. To be a normal teenager.

I know, I know. Struggling will only make me stronger. I believe that more than anyone, but I'm at a point in my life where I just can't emotionally take it anymore. It's not just my past that's making me so upset - it's everything. From grades to friendships to drama club to my mom's depression to homework to major self-esteem problems to feeling immensely immature than everyone in my grade (because of those self-esteem problems and other stuff) to just finding it hard to be happy. I dunno. It's just all coming down on me right now. It usually happens in the Springtime. I work really hard in the fall in school, work as hard as I can in the winter, and then the first day of Spring comes and I suddenly lose all my motivation and feel like everything I did this year was not enough. I guess it's also just how different I am from everyone else in my grade. (I'm a junior now, if I didn't already say it before) I am so so so so so sensitive and rarely talk. Mostly because I feel like I'm gonna jumble up my words or say something stupid or get teased or something.
I'm also worrying a lot about my future, but I won't get into that right now. That's a whooooooolllllllleeeeee different story.

I guess right now, it's just hard for me to deal with everything. It's also especially hard because sometimes I feel like my whole life is a huge secret. Only my family and three other people in the world know about my past, and I hate that I feel like I have to hide the reason why I'm struggling from everyone. I feel like people just don't understand me because I don't understand them. On the outside looking in, it appears that my family is dysfunctional but loved. And we are.

But I see it as it is sometimes. (Probably look into it too much, but here's what I see anyways) My mother is depressed. She's been in and out of depression for as long as I can remember, and it really affects me. No teenage girl wants to see their mother upset. (Also another thing: because I'm having such a hard time, so is she... It's a back and forth thing.) And my dad is the best man in the whole world. He's smart and happy and athletic and loves me so so much. I'm thankful for him (and my family, of course) every single day. He teases me all the time. Gosh, I love that guy. It's just that... well, because of the way, he was raised up, he avoids talking about feelings and talking out problems. (Also, that may just be that he's a guy xD) And my sister is amazing. She has my dad's brains and my mom's beauty and compassion. She's studying at college right now. It's just hard because I don't get to see her very much, and I also don't want to worry her with all my problems. That's how I react to a lot of things. Someone out there in the world is struggling a lot more than me, only he is on her own. I feel like a failure because I have all this support - great family, a few great close friends. I just never, ever want to talk to them about all this. I feel like it's too much to dump on anyone.
Right. Back to my family. Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked XD

Oh, right. My brother. I love him so much. And I'm so angry and upset at him at the same time. (Of course, I keep those emotions inside. Another problem - bottled up emotions.) I'm angry because, obviously, of what he did to me. And how I have to live with the consequences of it - I'm the one who remembers it all. He said to both my mom and to me that he's blocked out/doesn't remember any of it. And that's ****ing tough. I'm going to sound like a child for a second, but since I'm already ranting - It's not fair! It's not fair that he did this to me, and now I'm the one who has to suffer. I'm the "weird, stupid girl" with few friends who tries way too hard in school (still getting D's,C's, and B's and feeling like I never do enough, again, in school) and in social situations especially. I can't help that I'm just uncomfortable with myself and my mind around other people. Ugh.
Wow. Okay. Sorry, getting a bit overdramatic here.

If you're still reading this, wow again. Thank you so much. Means a lot that you care enough to read to the end.

Basically, I'm just a sad, confused, grieving teenage girl who wants to make it through high school and do something I love in the future, while somehow managing to stay close to my family and friends. And I'm just tired. Tired of always having to fight myself to get out of bed in the morning, tired of going to class after class and struggling with everything because I feel too uncomfortable speaking to my teachers most of the time, and tired of being sad.

But, like I said, I'm a junior in high school. I'm constantly being asked about what I wanna do in college and when I grow up. And I have no clue. Can't I just say: (following the example of a character from my favorite show, "The Fosters"...)

What do I want to be when I grow up?
Stupid question. Happy.

Everyone tells me that it'll get better. And I know it will. I just can't wait for that moment in my life when "better" is now. I really can't wait.

~~~~~~
Please reply with any advice you have for me. At this moment in time, anything you say is 100% appreciated and going to help me in some way. I just really need to talk to someone about all of this; that's why I joined this website, I guess. Thank you again for reading this whole thing. Again, and I really mean this, it means a lot to me that you even clicked on this link and read my story.

[Stronger]

((((((Potterhead)))))) <- Those are hugs, btw

You are not alone, mija. You are loved. You are a beautiful and an amazingly strong young lady. I mean that. I'm not just saying it. So go back and read that last sentence again.

I can relate with so so much of what you're talking about!
Depressed mom on and off. Awesome dad, but he never wants to talk about problems or feelings. Sexual abuse from when you were younger, but you're just now opening up about it. Having a sister in college that you love to pieces but just don't want to bother with all you're problems. Struggling with self-esteem and worrying that whatever you say will sound stupid and your words will just get all jumbled up. So you are not anywhere near being alone in all of this, my dear.
I am SO proud of you for opening up about your past sexual abuse, though!! You are SO strong because that is SUCH a hard thing to do, but it is definitely freeing to some degree. You are so so strong for talking about it!


Family can be a drag. In fact I just had a therapy session a few hours ago and we spent the entire time talking about family.
If I can offer some advice my friend, you don't have to take it, but I'm going to offer it either way: talk about it with your sister. I more than understand that you don't want to be a drag and you don't want to weigh her down with your problems right now, but trust me. Sisters are amazing when it comes to this kind of stuff. After I first opened up to one of my sisters about some of my other problems, she became my go-to gal. And she still is

Mija, I am here for you absolutely anytime you ever need to talk. You can pm me whenever you want.

[potterhead6]

Wow, your reply just made my entire day. Thank you so, so much. You're amazing!!
And I'd love to talk to you anytime