[bluebythewater]

I posted a similar question in the SI forum..but thought maybe I could get a little different perspective here on the same issue. I recently started dating a guy... I REALLY like him. He makes me smile and I trust him. All of these things are HUGE deal for me. Because of my history of sexual abuse... dating hasn't really been a part of my life. The one relationship I have had ended badly because physically I wasn't willing to go as far as he wanted. Anyways... this guy seems wonderful. However, we're coming to a point where questions might come up about scars I have...and things that make me uncomfortable or flashes that totally freak me out. I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to lie to him, I won't lie to him. However this could potentially really freak him out... How do I tell him? Have any of you been in a similar situation?? how did it turn out? I'm scared I might lose something that's making me happy right now.

[JustAPixie]

The worst thing about being a survivor is that we can't really have casual relationships... it always comes down to "do I tell or not?"

I think that trust is HUGE thing, and I know, I've been there. If you really love him, then you must decide if you want to take the plunge or not. If you don't tell him, you might lose him anyway, and if you do tell him, you risk the same outcome. It is a ig step of faith that we as survivors must take some time or another, but be sure it is the right person.

I would say it would be a good idea to talk to him before you go to far and he asks questions. Choose a time when you are comfortable and feel safe... being half naked might not be the best time to spill your guts...

Good luck on whatever you choose to do.... and remember that you are not alone in this...

[Tycoon]

Hi, i am not a survivor but i'm datingsomeone for the last seven years that is a survivor, and maybe some perspective from the other side would be nice.
When i started dating her i had a suspicion that something like that might have happened, so i confronted her. I was prepared for the worst but she lied that day and i believed her. I forgot about it completely and relaxed. Some time later she decided to tell me the truth or at lest part of it. It came as such a shock because i wasn't prepared and i think i made the damage worse.
I love this girl with all my hart so, i had to deal with it.
It's not always easy, i mean your partner have needs, but if he loves you he'll wait for you to come close. Not only will he wait but he'll find a way to make you feel safe aswell...

I know this is very hard for you but if you ever want to experince true love, there can be no secrets...

Good luck.

[Perna]

If a person is going to freak, they're going to freak. I don't think we can do anything about that. Not everyone will freak though and I think if you're matter-of-fact about your explanation, don't lie but don't emphasize/elaborate it will or will not be all right? It is part of "you" and goes with your "package." :-) If someone cannot deal with that it is too bad but I don't think that person is someone one could ever be comfortable with unless they grow on their own. Let him bring them up if he notices/asks and see what his "mood" is when he asks, whether he's tentative or seems freaked or what not. If he seems merely curious/accepting tell him more than if he seems angry/freaked where I would shut down and say something like, "they're just old scars of mine" and change the subject, my physical position/focus abruptly.