[desirae]

and is it weak and pathetic if you allow it?

[tallison]

a friend doesn't want to abuse you.... you aren't pathetic, they are sick!!! you deserve better than that!! i hope that one day you believe it!!! please know that i'm thinking of you!!

[FaithisAlive]

I agree.. you deserve better...but you aren't weak and pathetic...the "friend" who abuses you is....

Faith

[nothemama8]

you are neither weak or pathetic, no friends do not abuse, this person is not your friend, run from them.

[jlove973]

((((((((((((((((((((((((desirae)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I had a friend that did just that. Verbally and Mentally abuse me. I stayed friends with her for many years. It felt like I was in an abusive relationship and I didn't have the strength to get out. It's like you try, but then you get sucked back in.
Then she moved away and begged me to move with her because I was all she had. I had all my family here and honestly that was my ticket out. Out of leaving and Out of that relationship. I thank God everyday. If she didn't move I would still be in the vicious cycle of abuse with her. It probably just would have gotten worse.
I hope telling you what happened to me may help you decide what you would like to do.

If you would like or are able to you can share with us what happened?
PM me anytime.

Jlove

[Perna]

I don't think as an adult a friend can abuse you. You can talk back and walk away, etc. They certainly can try to abuse you, say ugly things but pushing triggers that are already there I don't think constitutes abuse. I think friends can betray you and hurt you but if they hit you or say ugly things then they're not friends. But abuse is a power thing; friends are "equal" to you so don't have any power. A spouse can have power or a parent, therapist/doctor, etc. but there's nothing to "hold" you to a friend in a forceful way so they can get in a position to have power over you, you don't have to "stay" like you might in a family situation where you're physically and emotionally dependent on someone. Any "power" a friend has is 100% given by you so can be taken away by your will alone.

It's hard though when you love and trust a friend well and they hurt you or tell your secrets, etc. We do "invest" some of ourselves in friends so having to decide to leave and/or dealing with their behavior that has hurt us can be difficult. All intimate relationships are very complex and untangling can take a lot of work and I don't think it's "weak" to take time getting untangled/figuring it all out and what to do about it. But it's very much an individual thing.

I think some "abuse" is very clearcut but I also think we all have "soft spots"/triggers but just because we get hurt there, the other person isn't always responsible for that hurt, may not even know we have a problem there that they should treat "gently." An alcoholic might think it's "abuse" if they buy liquor and a friend pours it down the drain; it's certainly a boundary violation. Drunks who have friends confiscate their car keys can get really angry. Lots of family members have fights and cease speaking to one another for one thing or another. But anger and hurt are not always the result of "abuse."

If I thought I were being abused by a friend though, I'd have a hard time figuring out why I wanted to stay with that "friend"? Unless I were sharing an apartment and needed time to get money together or a job, etc. I can't see why I'd stick with them. Or, if I did stick with them, I'd reframe the "abuse" in some way.

My husband once smacked me hard and it took all my willpower to not kill him on the spot :-) thanks to my stepmother's abuse growing up, but I have enormous willpower so was able to stop and ask him "why" he'd hit me. He explained how I had almost seriously injured us both. He was right and I'm very honest so could let go of my anger and apologize for doing something stupid causing him to have to hit me. I'm keeping him as a good friend.

[SeptemberMorn]

Yes, I believe that anyone can abuse another if that person is still in "victim" mode. I know I've been abused and didn't realize it till after it was over.

When I do realize it now, I go back and explain to that person why it won't happen again... or if it's not worth it, I just don't speak to that person again. I move away from them.

[silver_queen]

No real friend would ever abuse you ... and you're not weak and pathetic for allowing it... it's hard to fight back if that's all you're used to. What do you think the reaction will be if you stand up to him/ her?

((((((((((( desirae ))))))))))))

I just went thru this with a long term friend of mine - 28 yr friendship - she knows all my triggers and sometimes she was just plain mean - using what I had told her and my triggers to hurt me. I was so used to it I didn't even realize it was happening. I just knew that I felt bad.

A true friend DOESN"T do that to you.

Well after discussing it a full year in therapy - I gradually confronted my friend - our relationship has changed. She became aware of what she was doing and I kept pointing out that I would tolerated it.

We still have our friendship - the dynamics are very different.

Because we were more sisters than friends - it was worth the effort on both of our parts to salvage the friendship. -- She having no immediate family (other than her husband) and me either.

I wouldn't recommed the "working it out" part for every friendship - believe me.... so if one of your friends is abusing you - I would basically say run the other way!